A lot can change in 5 years.
In April 2017, when this photo was taken, my wife and I had been together for a few short months.
We were just getting to know each other.
Had zero conflict in the relationship.
And I was pretty sure I was going to marry her.
But all good things take time…
It was another 2.5 years of dating and engagement before we finally tied the knot on September 8, 2019.
Shaloma and I have moved multiple times, I’ve changed careers, we’ve endured health challenges, deaths in our families, and yes several conflicts as well.
I wouldn’t trade a minute of it for the world.
It was Bill Gates who said that people overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can do in 5 years.
That quote feels very real as my wife and I recently celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary.
When our relationship hit hard times - sickness especially - my initial response was to figure out how to fix the situation asap.
When Shaloma and I had some of...
My parents decided to get married in 1983 after knowing each other for a grand total of 15 minutes!
My Dad lived in Canada at the time, my Mom was living in India.
So what do you talk about when you only have 15 minutes to decide if the person in front of you will become your life partner?
The weather, obviously.
My Dad’s main questions to my Mom were:
-Can you cook? (As my Mom likes to say… she lied and said “yes”)
-Can you handle living in cold Canada? (As my Mom likes to say…she lied and said “yes”)
Ten days later they were married.
Three kids, one retirement, several moves, and many memories later, my parents just celebrated a whopping 39 years together!
Not only have they set a quality example for me and my siblings to follow in our own marriages, they help other couples strengthen their marriages through their coaching practice (and newly released book called The Unbreakable Marriage).
While we were celebrating their anniversary,...
My wife: “My husband does so much…He runs his business, and he uh...um…hmm…hey what else do you do anyway?”
(No word of a lie that’s what she had just said when this photo was taken)
She’s not wrong…I’ve been super dialed in the last 12 months refining our program, extending our reach, and building a team to help me do it all.
But by far the BEST part of what has been happening is that we are helping men step into their callings, including:
Jason quitting his job to start a business
Piero feeling confident to finally become a father
Chris marrying the girl of his dreams after almost losing her
Henry overcoming 4 decades of addiction as a local church pastor and helping others get free now
Stuart finally getting...
Those of you that have followed us for a while know that I am a recovering control freak.
Control is something we all strive for to find security in our lives. For some, the pursuit of control is more overt. I happen to be in that category.
When I am in control, I feel secure, happy, and often hopeful.
While being a control freak insinuates that at times I try to control things that I shouldn’t…there is a good side to this as well.
Concepts of autonomy, personal responsibility, ownership, etc., have marked the DeepClean philosophy (see chapter 2 of The Last Relapse if you want to learn more).
Because the more control we are willing to take in our situation, the more influence we can have on the final outcome.
All of this is true, but it is also incomplete.
It was just a few short years ago in the fall of 2018 that I found myself in one of the hardest seasons of my life. My fiancée was sick and the doctors didn’t know why. And I had no money to...
When Shaloma and I first started dating, we lived a couple of hours apart, which meant usually we would hang out on the weekends only (and then FaceTime like crazy during the week).
Because we barely saw each other those first 8 months, we had little to no conflict in the relationship.
So we would joke that we must be a match made in heaven.
But in reality, we knew that it was a matter of time before our first fight.
Personally, I couldn’t wait.
I truly believe that the way a couple handles conflict early in the relationship is a good indicator of what lies ahead for them.
I was curious to see if we’d pass the test…
We often tell our guys in the DeepClean community that it doesn’t matter how long your streak is.
I don’t care how many of your routines and rituals you were able to do every morning and evening.
My primary interest is how you handle the adversities of life – stress, temptations, overwhelm, relational conflict, etc.
The best recovery...
Elephants are some of the most intelligent creatures God has graced on the planet.
Boasting an unusually large brain, strong cortical structures within that large brain, and a well-developed hippocampus (the part of your brain that is responsible for memory), elephants have remarkable cognitive capacities.
In the world of neuroscience, elephants have become renowned for having very good memory – they can recall previous injuries/points of pain, and have even been shown to hold grudges!
Absolutely remarkable if you ask me.
Elephants aren’t the only creature in the animal kingdom that we can learn from…
Goldfish are known for having horrible memories - with some studies showing a memory span of less than 10 seconds!
While the concept has become exaggerated over the years (the memory span of a goldfish can be months and years depending on the situation), there is a lesson here for us as well.
Steph Curry is known to be greatest shooter of all-time in the...
I am amazed at how quickly we are to blame the devil for our own issues sometimes.
Recovery is hard work - there are highs and there are lows.
The road to full freedom (and sustaining it afterwards) is marked with temptation.
Some of my greatest breakthroughs came because I persevered. And some of yours will come that way too.
While it is easy to simply rebuke a temptation or blame Satan, it may not be your best option in every situation.
Take Jesus as an example. After fasting for 40 days, he’s tempted by the enemy to turn stones into bread.
Jesus didn’t rebuke the devil and he was literally right in front of him!
Instead, he kept his cool, and used the TRUTH to fight the temptation and move forward.
He was tempted two more times, on one of those occasions he did actually rebuke the devil (his words in the NKJV were “get behind me Satan”).
…But he didn’t rebuke the temptation. Warding off the attacks of the enemy is part of this, but it’s...
Without a shadow of a doubt, the greatest cause of misbehavior (sexual or otherwise) in our society today is stress.
The reality is that we deal with unprecedented levels of stress in our society.
Between work, relationships, paying bills, pandemics, recessions, and doing our best to live by Biblical standards in a world that mocks the idea, there are plenty of stressors to be experienced on the daily.
Admittedly – I am still figuring out how to navigate this. I often find myself every few months needing a few days to unwind and unplug.
At the time of writing this, my wife and I just returned from a fantastic getaway for a few nights. We hung out at the beach, soaked in some sun, kayaked, had long chats, and laughed a ton.
Suddenly in a matter of a couple days, my marriage feels vibrant, I feel excited about the future, and life feels settled again.
The stressors haven’t gone anywhere, and I am working hard to do a better job at managing them (and taking fewer...
Recovery does not have to be a long, drawn out process. It is really a matter of finding the FEW things that work and going ALL IN on them. These few things will vary from person to person, but I guarantee that they will include these three things I'm about to share.
My aim with DeepClean (our system for helping guys resolve the root issues of porn), Unleash The Man Within (our daily podcast that reaches thousands around the world every week), and my bestselling book The Last Relapse (which has been featured on national television and endorsed by some of the world's leading experts in porn addiction), is to help you AVOID the rookie mistakes I made so that you can essentially hit the "recovery fast-track" asap.
We teach our men to do these three regularly and we literally watch their lives change before our very eyes.
1) Find Someone You Can OPENLY Share With On A Regular Basis. We call this a "spotter". NOT an accountability partner. We're interested in forming meaningful...
When I used to watch porn, I remember feeling jealous of the men in the videos. They got paid to have sex with attractive women regularly... they were "living the dream". And the girls always seemed so happy in the videos – I figured they had great lives too. Having friended two former porn stars the last couple of years, I've discovered just how mistaken I really was.
Brittni De La Mora was one of the top-ranked adult actresses in the world. Her videos literally had millions of views. She wasn't just a porn actress, she was a star. Brittni explained to me that between the lying, manipulation, and coercion - the porn industry slowly eats away at your soul.
She was more or less tricked into performing in her first video - a VERY common story in the porn industry. But after that first video, she stuck around... why?
Between the money, attention, and grandiose promises, you feel like there are no other options to make a living. Everyone outside of porn will see you as...