About Coaching Books Podcast Speaking Success Stories Blog Start Here

FAQ: Do I Have To Ask For Forgiveness Every Time I Slip?

Uncategorized Jul 07, 2021

I don't know about you, but when I was struggling with pornography I spent a lot of time asking God to forgive me after a slip. I felt dirty and unclean, so asking for forgiveness was my way of ensuring that God and I were on good terms again. It also gave me the feeling of a 'clean slate' so that I could start fresh again.

Was it right?

Well...that depends on a few things. There is a theological component to this question that we should address first. Some believe that you must ask for forgiveness every time you commit a sin. Or that you ask for forgiveness at the end of the day to clear any debts you may have incurred. The basic premise is that we sin regularly and it needs to be covered in forgiveness regularly to ensure our right standing with God is protected. I am personally in a different camp. I believe that God has forgiven us of our sins and that forgiveness was afforded to us even before we've asked. We are forgiven.

I'm not against asking for forgiveness at all, but I have...

Continue Reading...

"You Need An Outlet Like This To Stay Free"

Uncategorized Jul 07, 2021

Feast your eyes on this decadent 5-layer brownie cake featuring a chocolate chip brownie base, double stuff oreo layer, buttercream filling, covered in a semi-sweet chocolate glaze and topped with whip cream. This beauty was made by yours truly for my wife on her birthday. You might call this a lovely gesture, I call it foreplay. More on that in a future newsletter, but the point is – these kind acts go a long way for intimacy in a marriage.

So am I the best baker this planet has ever seen? Likely.

I kid. But for real, I take serious pride in my baking. It’s become a bit of a passion point over the years. I first stumbled upon this hobby several years ago when I began pastoring. Since Sunday was a workday, I took Mondays off. Without fail, I would wake up Mondays with something on my mind that I wanted to bake.

Cheesecake, banana bread, muffins, you name it. If it came to mind, I would find a recipe and give it a go. I had my share of failures along the way (baking...

Continue Reading...

"Exciting Announcement: Life Transition For Sathiya"

Uncategorized Jun 30, 2021

Some of you who follow us closely know that this has been a milestone month. If you don’t know, here’s the scoop. In November 2018, I started DeepClean as a side hustle. I had no clue what I was doing and no confidence that my program would actually work. But I had to try. There were too many men whose lives were in shambles.

 My first client was desperate but barely had any money. That was fine by me, I just wanted to help. And to be honest, I didn’t know if my program was worth anything at that point. The less he invested, the less pressure!

His life was dramatically affected. He broke through several layers of shame and stopped engaging with porn and masturbation as frequently. It wasn’t a smashing success, but the indicators were there. The program worked.

 I wanted to reach more guys, but my biggest obstacle was time. I was working a full-time job and newly married, so I only had a few hours to dedicate. While I loved working 1-on-1 with...

Continue Reading...

FAQ: How Do I Recover From A Slip?

Uncategorized Jun 30, 2021

In addiction forums, you will often hear that "relapse is a part of recovery." This is a true statement, but without the right context and training it can cause more harm than good. Many have this pie-in-the-sky idea of freedom, thinking that one day things magically shift and porn is no longer a problem. It rarely happens that way. The recovery journey is sort of like expanding a really tough elastic band. Lots of work in the early stages, but with time you are able to have longer and longer stretches of freedom. What enables you to have longer bouts of freedom is predicated primarily on how you handle the slips that happen along the way. Your response is make or break.

So how do you recover from a slip? A few things...

1) Kill Condemnation. This is arguably the most important step, especially early on. After a slip we tend to beat ourselves up for being a failure, not making progress, etc. It can become a downward spiral very quickly, but it doesn't have to be this way. In my...

Continue Reading...

"How To Handle Wet Dreams"

Uncategorized Jun 23, 2021

I want to address the other part of nightlife that is often not discussed in recovery.

Wet dreams.

Let’s not kid ourselves, these are weird experiences. You wake up with that immediate sense of “What the heck?” Not a nice way to start your day. For the guy who is recovering from pornography, you may have a wet dream and then wonder, “does this count as a slip?” These kinds of experiences certainly bring up some interesting questions.

The best way I have found to explain it is simply that when you have engaged in PMO (Porn-Masturbation-Orgasm) consistently over a long period of time, your brain gets used to it. If you suddenly stop doing it (congrats on that by the way), your brain gets confused.

Sexual experiences hit the most primal parts of our brain, so you can’t really fool it. The same way that if you go on a diet and trash all of the junk food in your house, for the first few days you’ll feel great but eventually your brain will start...

Continue Reading...

Testimonial: Johnathon Willey

Uncategorized Jun 23, 2021

From time-to-time, we'll share success stories in these newsletters to keep you encouraged on your journey to freedom. Sometimes it is helpful to see that others are accomplishing your pursuit. It helps you realize that it is possible and that you can do it too. Johnathon is a military reservist. He is a young man, but he has had plenty of life experience already. When Johnathon joined DeepClean, he "tried everything in the book." He was frustrated, sick of struggling for over a decade with porn and masturbation, and feeling too ashamed to go to God. One day, he sent me an email that coaches like me dream about receiving. Rather than trying to paraphrase his story and experience, I’ve decided to include the email in its fullness. No edits. “Sathiya, I just wanted to send a bit of encouragement and let you know how much I appreciate DeepClean. Not only have I not looked at pornography in over 6 months, but I have seen SO much healing in so many areas of my life as a...

Continue Reading...

"How To Win The Night"

Uncategorized Jun 16, 2021

Some of the biggest battles against pornography and masturbation are fought at night. It could just be that you’re up a little later than usual, scrolling on your phone. Or maybe you woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t fall back asleep so your mind starts to wander.

There are a lot of scenarios at night that can really hamper our journey to recovery. So here’s the deal...the main goal usually in tackling this subject is to get into a good sleep rhythm. That solves most of the problems. Then there is a small percentage of this problem devoted to wet dreams and other physiological phenomena that are of equal importance (more on that one next week). 

There are two things I can tell you for sure:

  1. You need a night-time routine
  2. The battle of the night is won during the day

Night-Time Routine

A night-time routine goes a very long way in the journey to recovery. I consistently do the same thing every night before I go to bed. I stop looking at screens 1...

Continue Reading...

FAQ: Do Accountability Partners Work?

Uncategorized Jun 16, 2021

If you know any of my story, you know that I tried several accountability systems with little to no success. That alone does not mean they were unhelpful, sometimes one thing can work for better for some than others. What I'm finding in my clients is that almost all of them have tried some form of accountability with little to no longer-term success. Either they are both struggling and cannot help each other or eventually they stop keeping in touch. There has to be a better way. Personally, I do not believe we need to throw the baby out with the bathwater. The concept of an accountability partner is valuable for the recovery process, but I believe the systems we have provided men over the years are broken. At DeepClean, we have spotters. Coined from the guy who gives you a hand at the gym (if you haven't worked out - it's the guy who stands behind you while you do bench press and ensures that bar doesn't fall on you because you're trying to lift too much weight), a spotter is meant...

Continue Reading...

"How To Avoid Self-Condemnation"

Uncategorized Jun 09, 2021

I’ve always been deeply impacted by Romans 8:1 - “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

You’ve probably heard this verse before, I know I had several times. But when I was deeply struggling with porn, this verse hit me like a ton of bricks for one simple reason…

I was violating it in every sense!

When you struggle with porn, it is hard to not condemn yourself. You feel guilty on the regular. Ashamed of your poor decisions. And fearful that you will get caught and lose your job, friends, community. When that is what your life looks like… how could you not condemn yourself?

But this scripture says otherwise. It says that the only requirement to avoid condemnation is to be in Christ Jesus. And though I have many imperfections and despite my 15-year struggle with pornography, I was always and will always continue to be in Christ Jesus.

So if that’s the case, what the heck am I doing condemning myself? And...

Continue Reading...

CLINICAL BREAKDOWN: Edging

Uncategorized Jun 09, 2021

Thanks to many modern scientists, most people today know about dopamine and dopamine cycles. Science is exploring the myriad functions of dopamine in the brain, but the one thing we can be sure of is that our brain loves dopamine. When you are recovering, this is good to be aware of. Many recovering addicts, in their brain's voracious appetite for dopamine, fall into the trap of edging. The best way to explain edging is using a numerical system. Imagine that watching pornography is a level 5 dopamine hit and let's say most activities in the day, your brain operates at a level 2. Your brain rarely goes from 2 to 5. Instead, it edges. It will seek something that is a level 3. Maybe it's a social media feed or a few videos online. Nothing that is actually inappropriate, but simply a bit more stimulating than the mundane tasks of work/life. After a while that level 3 starts to get old, so then your brain looks for a level 4. Eventually, you end up at a level 5 – engaging in...

Continue Reading...
Close

Receive Weekly Recovery Tips, Insights & Inspiration