I will be honest with you – my favorite part about DeepClean is the opportunities it creates to talk with other guys about faith, sexuality, and of course...women. Whether it’s at conferences, group coaching calls, or social media, I relish each chance I get to hear someone’s story and discuss the realities of maintaining sexual integrity in a hypersexualized culture.
If the conversation goes long enough, usually the subject of respecting women comes up. It is common for men struggling with a sexual issue (porn, masturbation, lust, prostitution, etc) to voice how disgusted they are with the way they view women. I’ll often hear something to the effect of, “I want to see women the way God does.”
With this in mind, you would think that doing a Bible study and forming friendships with other women would change your heart enough to stop looking at porn. Right?
That’s a start, for sure. But there is more work to be done.
Imagine working a full time job while having two businesses on the side. That's THREE jobs altogether.
Then throw in a 20+ year struggle with porn.
Then throw in a new relationship that was getting serious quick.
And you get...
Lowell joined the DeepClean community with one goal in mind: To resolve the roots issues of his porn addiction. And that's exactly what he did.
We did a deep dive into his internal world. Identified limiting beliefs. Resolved a few wounds from the past. And restructured his God time.
And just a few short months later, Lowell has made MAJOR progress. He has noticed a high correlation between sobriety and God time. The more consistent he is with his God time, the fewer the slips. Funny how that works!
He has also gotten more in touch with his inner life – identifying common triggers and learning to process his emotions.
Best of all – he is ENGAGED! His girlfriend was so pleased with his progress, she felt ready to take it to the next...
Let me just say that my wife and I have had our share of festivities recently. I quit my job to do DeepClean full-time. We are getting ready to move to Jamaica for 6 months (more on that soon), so we were looking for someone to rent out our house. We also need to find a place to live in Jamaica. My brother got married and I was the best man. And to boot – our car was written off in a highway accident.
The good news is, no one was hurt, which in of itself was miraculous considering the accident happened at over 60 mph (that’s 100km/h for my metric readers). But it was yet ANOTHER thing.
To complicate the matter, the accident took place about 2 months prior to the move… so we received an insurance payout, but it made no sense to buy a new car since we were about to leave the country. We started asking around to see if anyone had a car we could borrow for a bit.
By God’s grace we had friends who kindly lent us their vehicle until we moved. So nice! EXCEPT one...
Almost every guy I know wants to get free of porn so they can help other guys. Some guys have big ambitions like starting a ministry/business of their own one day, others simply want to make a difference in their small group or family.
No matter the scale or environment, it is extremely noble. In fact, I myself had the same ambitions when I was addicted. I wanted to get free so I could help others get free too.
So the question is when? When are you able to help others? Do you have to be free for a certain number of days/weeks/months/years?
The answer is – no.
The reality is that you can help people right now. You may not be ready to start your own ministry/business, but that doesn't mean you can't offer help.
"Woah woah Sathiya are you sure? Don't I have to go to school first or at least have a few years of freedom under my belt?"
You may need to do that if you want to start something official. But the truth is that you have something to offer the guys around you right now....
The year is 1997 and it’s an ordinary day in the Sam household. My older sister is blasting Spice Girls and running around the house. I am watching TV, eating popcorn. My younger brother is doing both – running around with my sister at times, watching TV with me at others – to appease his big sister and big brother. Having two older siblings is exhausting, I’m sure.
Eventually, the three of us wind up in the TV room. The movie is finished. We have collectively decimated the popcorn and are now left with unpopped popcorn seeds. While many would consider these unhatched kernels to signal the end of the festivities, we were just getting started.
It is amazing how many different places in your own body you can fit a popcorn seed. Nose, belly buttons, fingers, toes, hairs, the list goes on and on. Most of the places we experimented with were safe bets. They could be easily removed. Until we got to the ears.
Knowing that sticking the seed in her ears would be...
Imagine this. I am 16 years old flipping burgers at Wendy’s to make some cash for the summer. My hair is shaggy and long, spilling out of my hat. It’s an unassuming Wednesday afternoon and there are hardly any customers to serve. Mary, myself, and a few other coworkers are in the back, eating coffee cake muffins with vanilla frosty.
Did we pay for it? No.
Were we supposed to be working? Yes.
Who is Mary? You’ll find out shortly.
While the day itself was unassuming, there was nothing ordinary about this particular Wednesday at Wendy’s. Management was attending a corporate retreat, which meant Mary was in charge. While Mary was responsible, and quite a bit older than the rest of us, she was a peer in our eyes.
As they say… when the cat’s away, the mice will play. That’s exactly what we did. We asked Mary if we could do all the things that we weren’t normally allowed to do. Initially, she was reluctant, but slowly we broke her down...
Most addictions have withdrawal symptoms – emotional, physical or psychological reactions to the absence of the substance/behavior. Hard drug users often experience shakes, twitches, and food cravings. These aspects are well researched, but what about pornography users? Well, the research is still catching up. On the streets, here's what we're observing.
1) Mental – The initial withdrawal symptom typically is brain fog. The inability to focus. You might be wondering if something is wrong with you or if porn has made things worse. It does, INITIALLY. Then, things will get much better. Another common psychological symptom is anxiety. If porn/masturbation have been sources of comfort and security, their absence can often cause panic in the nervous system. This too will subside as long as you do not replace porn with another addictive substance/behavior (this is more common than you would think). Find healthy ways to deal with the initial surge of anxiety and eventually...
From time-to-time, we'll share success stories in these newsletters to keep you encouraged on your journey to freedom. Sometimes it is helpful to see that others are accomplishing your pursuit. It helps you realize that it is possible and that you can do it too.
Johnathon is a military reservist. He is a young man, but he has had plenty of life experience already. When Johnathon joined DeepClean, he "tried everything in the book." He was frustrated, sick of struggling for over a decade with porn and masturbation, and feeling too ashamed to go to God. One day, he sent me an email that coaches like me dream about receiving. Rather than trying to paraphrase his story and experience, I’ve decided to include the email in its fullness. No edits.
“Sathiya, I just wanted to send a bit of encouragement and let you know how much I appreciate DeepClean. Not only have I not looked at pornography in over 6 months, but I have seen SO much healing in so many areas of my life as a...
After a pretty strong response to the nighttime email recently, I’ve decided to follow it up.
Previously, our focus was on routines and rhythms. Important components of long-term success. But I want to address the other part of nightlife that is often not discussed in recovery.
Let’s not kid ourselves, these are weird experiences. You wake up with that immediate sense of “What the heck?” Not a nice way to start your day. For the guy who is recovering from pornography, you may have a wet dream and then wonder, “does this count as a slip?” These kinds of experiences certainly bring up some interesting questions.
The best way I have found to explain it is simply that when you have engaged in PMO (Porn-Masturbation-Orgasm) consistently over a long period of time, your brain gets used to it. If you suddenly stop doing it (congrats on that by the way), your brain gets confused.
Sexual experiences hit the most primal parts of our brain, so...