I got completely caught off guard while interviewing on Frank’s Rich “The Superhuman Life” podcast recently.
I was sharing about The Last Relapse, observations about the recovery space at large, and some of the most effective tools/principles that have helped our guys recover over the years. It was more or less a smooth and clean interview.
Then at the end, Frank asked me, “So what’s something you never talk about on podcasts that you know would help my audience?”
I replied immediately by talking about what a great question that was and how nobody ever asked me that, etc. — all of it a covert way to buy me some time while I thought about my answer!
Somewhere in my ramblings, I had a moment of clarity – and I knew that what I was about to share was going to have some major ripples.
When I was studying medicine, there was a mantra that most of the students held: work hard, play hard. That meant studying day and night during the...
It's well understood that drug addicts and alcoholics can experience nasty withdrawal symptoms when they start to get clean – shakes, shivers, agitation, cravings, etc. These are classic symptoms of substance addictions. What about behavioral addictions like porn? These kinds of addictions have their own set of withdrawals, and the better you understand them, the better you can prepare.
As we explore 5 of the most common withdrawal symptoms porn addicts experience, you must remember that these will not last forever. In fact, often after the first few weeks they subside and the positive effects of sobriety begin to sink in.
1) Mood – One of the most common withdrawal symptoms in any addiction is the impact on mood. Irritability, mood swings and depression are commonly experienced shortly after. If you were watching porn daily, you'll start to notice the mood swings even after a few days. If your consumption is weekly or a couple of times a month, it may take longer to...
So you're struggling with porn, but your loved one doesn't know. You've wanted to tell them, but you know that it could create a mess. Or worse...they could leave you. This subject of disclosure has been a hot topic in the DeepClean world lately, so today's article is going to provide you a comprehensive guide for handling the process in an effective and appropriate way.
For starters, it's important to understand that "loved one" could mean a variety of things. In another article, we will address how to tell parents, friends, etc., but this article is primarily focused on how to tell a romantic partner about your addiction. I also would like to mention that it is 1000x better to confess than to get caught. What many men fear about disclosing their struggle (loss of relationship, extreme disappointment, causing anger/depression in spouse, etc) rarely happens when they choose to come clean. However, these worst-case scenarios become more likely when they are caught.
If you're in a...
At the time of writing this, 5 different men that I know of in the DeepClean community and elsewhere have had a disclosure conversation with their significant other in the last week. That’s a pretty big deal when you think about it.
Most of them chose to disclose because I asked them the question.
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, disclosure is the term used to describe the process of informing another individual of your struggle and or/addiction. These are scary conversations to have, but they are paramount for recovery, and when they’re done appropriately, they are also very impactful.
Something I’ve observed over the years is that most men choose not to tell their wife/fiancée/girlfriend about their struggle out of fear – fear of rejection, fear of causing pain, fear of divorce/disconnection.
One gentleman in particular was adamant that if he told his wife, she would leave him. Plus, she was already struggling with her...
One of my favorite parts about the work I get to do at DeepClean is the group coaching calls. I often feel like I am watching men literally transform before my very eyes as they grow in vulnerability, experience breakthroughs, and form relationships with each other. It is a beautiful thing. We always leave room in these calls for questions, and one was asked recently that created quite a stir. Should you be dating if you are struggling with porn?
There are basically two camps here. One camp says: Get clean first, then date. You don't want to bring your sexual struggles into a relationship, it's going to complicate things, especially if it gets serious. If opportunities come along, check with God and make sure, but as a rule of thumb, say no for the time being until you get your stuff sorted out.
The other camp says: Look, we all have our struggles. No one is expecting you to be perfect. If you struggle with porn and an opportunity comes up, you shouldn't back down. But you have to...
This is not the first (nor last) picture of Grandpa Sam that I have included in one of these newsletters. From 2015-2017, when I was really starting to break free of pornography and sexual sin, I began to take a huge interest in my Grandpa and Grandma’s life. I would visit them regularly, ask questions about their childhoods, and try to understand our family story in more detail.
Unfortunately, my Grandma passed away in July 2017, but I am very grateful for the stories and wisdom she shared with me before her death. I would take notes profusely when we spent time together and I review them periodically now.
When I reflected on this season of deep searching into my grandparent’s lives, and truthfully – my family history, I began to wonder why? Why was it so important I understand these parts of our family’s history?
It took some time to reflect, contemplate and get the bottom of it. But eventually, I had a pretty stark realization – by better...
Christmas Day, 2021. Sathiya’s first Christmas in Jamaica. It was +30 degrees. The sun was shining. Birds were singing. I was wearing my new shirt that my in-laws bought me (lovely choice if I do say so myself). And I was COMPLETELY MISERABLE.
You may not be able to tell, but the smile in that picture was pretty much forced. I was a grumpy Gus Christmas day and it was for one simple reason.
I was sick. There was a bug going around and I happened to get it just before Christmas Day. Nothing in me wanted to show up for Christmas dinner, but I didn’t move all the way to Jamaica for the winter only to spend Christmas Day in bed!
So I got dressed, put on my best smile, and had a fantastic evening. The food was delicious and the company was even better. By the end of the evening, I was already starting to feel better. A couple days later I was back to normal.
The experience reminded me of an adage I picked up a few years ago from someone I deeply admire and...
Anytime something becomes commonplace, society tends to accept it as being "normal." Whether it's pursuing an education, the consumption of fast-food, or viewing pornography, the more the masses are engaging with it, the more it becomes culturally acceptable. With porn consumption continually on the rise, both by men and women individually, AND couples together, it begs the question – what is the impact? The stats and studies are very revealing.
There are two different situations to explore here. The first is when only one party is watching pornography and presumably, the other is not. The second situation is when both parties are watching pornography together with the intent of enhancing their sex life.
One Party Watching
Drs. John & Julie Gottam put it best: Use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction...We are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious...
So you've probably seen recovery systems that count streaks – 3 days free, 4 weeks free, 6 months free, etc. And you've probably seen other camps that are against streak counting because it's a superficial metric (I tend to be more in this camp). That's all well and good, but it begs the question – if you don't have external metrics, how do you measure success? Well, we've actually come up with a metric at DeepClean that answers this question head on.
The metric is called the trendline. If you go back to grade 8 math, you learned how to create a graph. You learned that there is an independent variable on the x-axis and a dependent variable on the y-axis and you learned how to plot points based on their coordinates (sorry if all the math language just brought back grade school trauma).
As an example, let's say you were trying to figure out if playing more video games led to better grades (to use a completely hypothetical example that definitely in no way reflects my...
Beauty is best found in simplicity.
My wife and I got away with family and friends to a beautiful resort in Negril, Jamaica for Christmas. We were privy to sunsets like these pretty much every single day. A very different experience for a born-and-raised Canadian like myself!
This photo was taken without a filter or any editing, except one small tweak. Light exposure. As I reduced the light exposure, the elements of the sunset became more pronounced.
I don’t know about you, but I have this way of complicating things unnecessarily. I add spices to food that shouldn’t be added. I create new projects that don’t need to be created. I design spreadsheets and checklists to keep track of the simplest things. The list goes on.
I am regularly reminding myself of the brilliant acronym KISS – Keep It Simple, Sathiya (if you don’t know the actual acronym, look it up. You’ll appreciate the hilarity). Sometimes when you remove the complexities and color...