There are four magnifiers in life - time, authority, money and marriage. What do they magnify?
If you want to see what you’re really made of, endure any or a combination of those four things.
When I was in my early 20s, at the peak of my porn addiction (or trough depending on how you look at it), a mentor taught me this principle. It instantly clicked. I realized how wrong I was to think that marriage would cure my issues with p0rn and masturbation. If anything, it would make them worse.
So I went to work. First, will power. Then, internet filters. Then, accountability partners. Then an internet filter with a built-in accountability partner. They were all good, just incomplete. Several binge-purge cycles later, I had enough. I needed something that was going to help me stay free long-term.
All the while, I prayed that God would keep my spouse on hold. I was dying to meet her, but I needed to fix this p0rn thing first.
Many programs, counseling appointments, personal...
This month we already tackled the average size of male genitalia, so I thought we might as well tackle another biggy (or average-y, depending on your endowment): sex duration. Porn has notoriously conditioned humanity to believe that the average escapade should last at least 15-20 minutes. I read somewhere that the average full-length porn video is 22 minutes long, although I haven't found a confirmation on that one yet. Regardless, the question remains – what's actually normal?
So here's the thing. When you're calculating duration, there are several factors. Foreplay, physical preparations, intercourse itself, afterplay (things don't end when you're done). For our purposes, we are talking solely about intercourse itself. So what's your guess... any idea how long intercourse lasts on average? Do you think you measure up? Are you in the appropriate range?
Let's really boil this down. Let's say in the average porn video, intercourse lasts 15 minutes. That's enough for a few...
Lately, there has been a flurry of questions around ex's and former partners. Sure, you can cut the cord relationally, but what about the memories? Fantasies? Thoughts? This is a complex subject, but rest assured, whether you deal with the occasional memory, recurring fantasies, or something in between, it doesn't have to stay this way forever.
Let's start with this – your brain enjoy sexual experiences. Anything your brain enjoys, it wants to remember. Why? For one reason, and one reason alone. Repetition. Your brain essentially thinks, "I like this. We should do this again. Where's my hippocampus at?" (The hippocampus is the part of the brain responsible for memory, in case that was confusing).
So if you had sexual experiences with an ex, in the moment, your brain enjoyed that moment and likely formed a memory. Memory is multi-sensory. Smells, tastes, touch, sights and sounds all contribute to its formation. All it takes is a scent, a certain phrase, sometimes even just a...
Feast your eyes on this bacon-wrapped, cheese-stuffed, grilled-to-perfection homemade burger topped with caramelized onions and mushrooms. This monstrosity of a meal was made for yours truly as I celebrated my 31st birthday in May.
You’ll notice that the burger occupies about 80% of the plate and there is just a handful of greens which are occupying about 10%. I decided the remaining 10% was better left empty than filled with more greens. It was my birthday, after all.
I don’t know about you, but if I had things my way, I would portion every meal to be 100% meat, cheese, and other delicious, decadent foods. Why eat the greens?
Well, aside from the fact that “your mom told you they’re good for you” it turns out that eating greens is actually good for your meat (I’m not talking about the burger). In fact, loading up in the produce aisle will work wonders for your sausage (hopefully you get the innuendo by now).
This photo was taken recently as my brother tied the knot to his stunning bride on a day that was nothing short of perfect. In the 80+ weddings I’ve attended (yes, you read that right), few have been more impactful for me than this one.
Sure, this is my one and only brother, and watching him cement his manhood was incredibly moving for me (I cried multiple times throughout the day). And yes, I had the chance to give a speech where I absolutely roasted (and toasted) him in front of his friends and family, bringing me great joy in the process. But there was a subplot to this story that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about.
A few years ago, my brother was dating a different girl. She was kind, fun-loving, beautiful, and clearly loved him with all her heart. As the relationship developed, it was becoming clear that there was an issue they were likely to face for the rest of their lives: religion.
My brother is a devout Christian and one of the most godly men I know....
In a society that reduces value for marriage by the day, you may have wondered – what's the point? Why can't I just shack up with my girlfriend? Why can't we get married later? Why even get married at all when the divorce rate is so high? These are GREAT questions to ask.
For starters, we know that marriage was created by God for man and woman. It was meant to symbolize the covenant that Christ (groom) has to his church (the Bride). Marriage is not simply the 'next step in a relationship,' it is a covenant between two people that is both spiritually and legally. Even if you pushed the spiritual facets aside, the legal component illustrates that humanity has had a value for marriage for a long time. When laws were instated concerning marriage, they were not simply because the church was in power.
Much more importantly, there are really two fundamental reasons to get maried apart from the spiritual aspects: Commitment and safety, both of with interplay with one another....
In 2015, I began working full-time as a pastor – my first salaried job! I was so excited to be part of a local church and facilitate what God was doing both in the area, and in the hearts of those I was serving.
In ministry school, we were taught to always take a day off for self-care and relaxation every week. No exceptions. Didn’t have to tell me twice! While most would take Saturday as their day off, Mondays felt more natural to me at the time (that has changed since). I wanted to rest after Sunday, rather than before.
So every Sunday night, after a full day of ministry, I would turn off the alarm clock and plan the same thing for Monday every single time: nothing. There was no schedule. No agenda. No priorities. No tasks. Nothing. This is pretty hard for anyone to pull off these days in our overstimulated and overworked society, but it is nothing short of a miracle when you are a high-strung Type A like myself!
For reasons that span far beyond my understanding, on...
Be real, you've asked yourself at some point whether you 'measure up.' You know what I'm talking about. Whether you took a peek in a locker room or did some research online, I can pretty much bet that at some point you've wondered how your package measures up to the average. If you've had any questions along these lines, this post is for you.
Rather than dance around the subject, let me tell it to you straight. The average length of the human male penis is 4-6 inches (usually it's around 5.1-5.4"). A FAR cry from what is portrayed in pornography, with captions that often flaunt lengths double the average. We frequently discuss the effects of porn on our capacity for connection, ability to experience intimacy, and our overall expectations around sex. Sometimes, we forget to talk about the expectations it creates for our physical bodies.
Between six pack abs, toned muscles, and inhumanely large genitalia, porn often creates a completely false standard of a healthy male body. In...
A while back, I interviewed on Real Men Connect, a podcast that helps Christian men become better fathers, husbands, and ultimately, disciples of Christ. The host of the show, Dr. Joe Martin, brought up my family at one point, using a term I had never really heard before.
“You come from good stock,” he said. Good stock. What a fascinating concept. Sure, my parents provided a pretty stable home for us to grow up in and we lived a modest middle-class life, but does that really qualify them as good stock?
It wasn’t until I interviewed him on my podcast that I realized what he was talking about. He grew up in the hood of Miami, like a scene out of Grand Theft Auto. No fathers in sight, no degrees or education. Just a community of people struggling financially, mentally, and spiritually. Eventually, Dr. Joe Martin got out, although his story had several more twists and turns before he found stability in his life.
The point is that you have to give credit where credit is...
Here's the deal. The recovery rates for porn addiction, like every other addiction, are not great. We don't have exact figures because porn addiction is so poorly researched compared to other addictions, but suffice to say – the recovery rate is low.
Many of my clients are guys who tried other programs and were frustrated with the results. So they looked for something different.
But there are many more guys out there who have tried a bunch of solutions and none of them worked. They feel hopeless, stuck forever.
"Come on, Sathiya, give us some good news here. What are you trying to say?"
We'll get there :) ...
The question, of course, is why do some solutions work and others don't? Is it the program or the person? The practitioner or the client? Or is it the methodology? Well, there are several possible explanations. For example...
-Once an addict, always an addict. An understandable thought, and in some ways it does explain why the recovery rates would be low. The problem with...