Last month marked 6 years since my last relapse. I can hardly believe it!
In those 2200+ days, I have:
The list could go on.
Gee, thanks Sathiya… you wrote this post to brag about how great your life is now that you’re free of porn?
Not at all. But I STILL remember what it was like to be addicted. To be afraid of getting caught and losing my job. To enter into marriage with hidden baggage that could destroy our intimacy.
The sense of worthlessness and shame lingering every single day, especially after slips. And the pure frustration that my relationship with God was suffering as a result.
I’m often asked, “what’s the best thing about being free?” and the answer always comes back to the same thing: security. To be...
About 11 years ago, I was in a season of personal renewal. I had committed my life to Jesus, surrendered my psychiatry dreams to pursue ministry, and was devouring ANYTHING in sight that would help me further my relationship with God.
My greatest fear in this season was that God would call me to be a local church pastor like my Dad. I love and respect my Dad, but I wanted to do something different if I was going to be in ministry.
This led me to an evening meeting at our church where a prophetic leader was brought in to minister. You may have different beliefs about modern prophecy than myself, I’m hoping you can put that aside so that you learn from this important story.
Below is the word that I was given…pay attention to the emphasized parts…
Whether you believe in prophecy or not, what I want you to see is that something was spoken over my life about what I could do and accomplish…11 years ago! And here we are today – nearly everything...
You may have heard of the abbreviation HALT, which is used to describe 4 conditions that impair your decision-making abilities (HALT = Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired). I have heard this term used in an addiction environment, but found it to be only partially useful. In the DeepClean community, we use the expression BLT, which seems to address the three most common conditions for relapse. If you understand BLT, then you can begin to prevent relapses from happening.
I should start by saying that BLT really is about articulating a STATE that you may find yourself in which leaves you vulnerable for porn consumption. While accounting for your environment is very important, it is likely not a complete solution in of itself. In addition to guarding against BLT, I highly recommend that you are doing the inner work necessary to resolve the roots of your addiction.
When we say avoid BLTS, we are specifically referring to situations where you are Bored, Lonely or Tired. These seem to be the...
It's well understood that drug addicts and alcoholics can experience nasty withdrawal symptoms when they start to get clean – shakes, shivers, agitation, cravings, etc. These are classic symptoms of substance addictions. What about behavioral addictions like porn? These kinds of addictions have their own set of withdrawals, and the better you understand them, the better you can prepare.
As we explore 5 of the most common withdrawal symptoms porn addicts experience, you must remember that these will not last forever. In fact, often after the first few weeks they subside and the positive effects of sobriety begin to sink in.
1) Mood – One of the most common withdrawal symptoms in any addiction is the impact on mood. Irritability, mood swings and depression are commonly experienced shortly after. If you were watching porn daily, you'll start to notice the mood swings even after a few days. If your consumption is weekly or a couple of times a month, it may take longer to...
I got completely caught off guard while interviewing on Frank’s Rich “The Superhuman Life” podcast recently.
I was sharing about The Last Relapse, observations about the recovery space at large, and some of the most effective tools/principles that have helped our guys recover over the years. It was more or less a smooth and clean interview.
Then at the end, Frank asked me, “So what’s something you never talk about on podcasts that you know would help my audience?”
I replied immediately by talking about what a great question that was and how nobody ever asked me that, etc. — all of it a covert way to buy me some time while I thought about my answer!
Somewhere in my ramblings, I had a moment of clarity – and I knew that what I was about to share was going to have some major ripples.
When I was studying medicine, there was a mantra that most of the students held: work hard, play hard. That meant studying day and night during the...
At the time of writing this, 5 different men that I know of in the DeepClean community and elsewhere have had a disclosure conversation with their significant other in the last week. That’s a pretty big deal when you think about it.
Most of them chose to disclose because I asked them the question.
In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, disclosure is the term used to describe the process of informing another individual of your struggle and or/addiction. These are scary conversations to have, but they are paramount for recovery, and when they’re done appropriately, they are also very impactful.
Something I’ve observed over the years is that most men choose not to tell their wife/fiancée/girlfriend about their struggle out of fear – fear of rejection, fear of causing pain, fear of divorce/disconnection.
One gentleman in particular was adamant that if he told his wife, she would leave him. Plus, she was already struggling with her...
So you're struggling with porn, but your loved one doesn't know. You've wanted to tell them, but you know that it could create a mess. Or worse...they could leave you. This subject of disclosure has been a hot topic in the DeepClean world lately, so today's article is going to provide you a comprehensive guide for handling the process in an effective and appropriate way.
For starters, it's important to understand that "loved one" could mean a variety of things. In another article, we will address how to tell parents, friends, etc., but this article is primarily focused on how to tell a romantic partner about your addiction. I also would like to mention that it is 1000x better to confess than to get caught. What many men fear about disclosing their struggle (loss of relationship, extreme disappointment, causing anger/depression in spouse, etc) rarely happens when they choose to come clean. However, these worst-case scenarios become more likely when they are caught.
If you're in a...
One of my favorite parts about the work I get to do at DeepClean is the group coaching calls. I often feel like I am watching men literally transform before my very eyes as they grow in vulnerability, experience breakthroughs, and form relationships with each other. It is a beautiful thing. We always leave room in these calls for questions, and one was asked recently that created quite a stir. Should you be dating if you are struggling with porn?
There are basically two camps here. One camp says: Get clean first, then date. You don't want to bring your sexual struggles into a relationship, it's going to complicate things, especially if it gets serious. If opportunities come along, check with God and make sure, but as a rule of thumb, say no for the time being until you get your stuff sorted out.
The other camp says: Look, we all have our struggles. No one is expecting you to be perfect. If you struggle with porn and an opportunity comes up, you shouldn't back down. But you have to...
This is not the first (nor last) picture of Grandpa Sam that I have included in one of these newsletters. From 2015-2017, when I was really starting to break free of pornography and sexual sin, I began to take a huge interest in my Grandpa and Grandma’s life. I would visit them regularly, ask questions about their childhoods, and try to understand our family story in more detail.
Unfortunately, my Grandma passed away in July 2017, but I am very grateful for the stories and wisdom she shared with me before her death. I would take notes profusely when we spent time together and I review them periodically now.
When I reflected on this season of deep searching into my grandparent’s lives, and truthfully – my family history, I began to wonder why? Why was it so important I understand these parts of our family’s history?
It took some time to reflect, contemplate and get the bottom of it. But eventually, I had a pretty stark realization – by better...
Anytime something becomes commonplace, society tends to accept it as being "normal." Whether it's pursuing an education, the consumption of fast-food, or viewing pornography, the more the masses are engaging with it, the more it becomes culturally acceptable. With porn consumption continually on the rise, both by men and women individually, AND couples together, it begs the question – what is the impact? The stats and studies are very revealing.
There are two different situations to explore here. The first is when only one party is watching pornography and presumably, the other is not. The second situation is when both parties are watching pornography together with the intent of enhancing their sex life.
One Party Watching
Drs. John & Julie Gottam put it best: Use of pornography by one partner leads the couple to have far less sex and ultimately reduces relationship satisfaction...We are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious...