I will be honest with you – my favorite part about DeepClean is the opportunities it creates to talk with other guys about faith, sexuality, and of course...women. Whether it’s at conferences, group coaching calls, or social media, I relish each chance I get to hear someone’s story and discuss the realities of maintaining sexual integrity in a hypersexualized culture.
If the conversation goes long enough, usually the subject of respecting women comes up. It is common for men struggling with a sexual issue (porn, masturbation, lust, prostitution, etc) to voice how disgusted they are with the way they view women. I’ll often hear something to the effect of, “I want to see women the way God does.”
With this in mind, you would think that doing a Bible study and forming friendships with other women would change your heart enough to stop looking at porn. Right?
That’s a start, for sure. But there is more work to be done.
Specifically, the work of listening. Any time you are dealing with a group of people that have experienced prejudice, injustice, or oppression, the best thing you can offer them is a listening ear.
This photo taken above was after interviewing for a nationally-televised program called See, Hear, Love. As you can probably tell, the show is geared primarily towards women. Two shows were recorded that day – one on the subject of forgiveness and the other on shame. I was privileged to be a part of the show on shame and how to deal with it in the context of a porn addiction.
I initially felt brave for sharing about my struggle with porn, but honestly, it paled in comparison. My heart broke as I heard some of the stories these brave women were sharing. Stories of abuse, harassment, defacing, infidelity, etc. And best of all… these lovely ladies were sharing about how they forgave, how they healed, how they found respite in the unconditional love of the Father. It was really eye-opening, and equally beautiful.
And honestly, it changed me. It gave me a better understanding of what happens behind the scenes (and often, behind the screens) in many people’s lives. It doesn’t suddenly dissipate lust – the impact isn’t necessarily that direct. Instead, listening to the women around you changes your value system. It helps you identify what matters to them and what they long for.
If you really want to start seeing women the way God does, start listening. Listen to their stories, listen to their pain points, listen to their longings. The more you can humanize and identify with women, the better you will treat them. Period.
Cheering you on,
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