FAQ: How Do I Deal With Fantasies Of My Ex?

Lately, there has been a flurry of questions around ex's and former partners. Sure, you can cut the cord relationally, but what about the memories? Fantasies? Thoughts? This is a complex subject, but rest assured, whether you deal with the occasional memory, recurring fantasies, or something in between, it doesn't have to stay this way forever.

Let's start with this – your brain enjoy sexual experiences. Anything your brain enjoys, it wants to remember. Why? For one reason, and one reason alone. Repetition. Your brain essentially thinks, "I like this. We should do this again. Where's my hippocampus at?" (The hippocampus is the part of the brain responsible for memory, in case that was confusing).

So if you had sexual experiences with an ex, in the moment, your brain enjoyed that moment and likely formed a memory. Memory is multi-sensory. Smells, tastes, touch, sights and sounds all contribute to its formation. All it takes is a scent, a certain phrase, sometimes even just a thought, and before you know it the memory has been retrieved involuntarily. I will be honest, I still deal with this on a semi-regular basis. I was only sexually active with one other person before I married my wife. Sometimes the memories of old come back.

Now what? For starters, it is really important you guard how you ascribe meaning. You might be tempted to think, "If I was really over my ex, these memories wouldn't come up." False. Your mind and heart have moved on, your brain is catching up. If you can understand that those memories are simply the work of your brain and not your heart, it goes a long way. Two, give thanks. That's right - give thanks that God has given you a wonderfully functioning brain that is wired to remember meaningful experiences. Most times, this functionality of your brain works in your favor.

Lastly, and most importantly. Find out why the association is there. This requires deeper work, ideally with a professional. Is it simply just a neural association? Are there soul ties at play? Perhaps there's an unresolved part of your heart that needs some attending to. Digging deeper will go a long way to helping you understand the association and ultimately, breaking it. For me, when the memories come up, I know it's because I am seeking a sense of feeling powerful/in control. It has nothing to do with my ex, and everything to do with me. It's very empowering to know this and it takes the sting from the moment. I often smirk, sometimes chuckle a bit, and then redirect my attention to the things in my life that I can control.

It takes time to get to these places, but when you do, it is a beautiful thing.

Cheering you on,
Sathiya