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FAQ: Is It OK To Date While Working Through Porn Addiction?

Uncategorized Feb 23, 2022

One of my favorite parts about the work I get to do at DeepClean is the group coaching calls. I often feel like I am watching men literally transform before my very eyes as they grow in vulnerability, experience breakthroughs, and form relationships with each other. It is a beautiful thing. We always leave room in these calls for questions, and one was asked recently that created quite a stir. Should you be dating if you are struggling with porn?

There are basically two camps here. One camp says: Get clean first, then date. You don't want to bring your sexual struggles into a relationship, it's going to complicate things, especially if it gets serious. If opportunities come along, check with God and make sure, but as a rule of thumb, say no for the time being until you get your stuff sorted out.

The other camp says: Look, we all have our struggles. No one is expecting you to be perfect. If you struggle with porn and an opportunity comes up, you shouldn't back down. But you have to be willing to be honest with them about your issues when the time comes. That's what people are really looking for anyway – vulnerability, transparency, honesty, etc.

Let's be honest – both camps make compelling points and I can totally understand each point of view.

In last week's newsletter, we looked at the impacts of pornography on marriage. The research shows that porn clearly decreases relationship satisfaction and correlates a higher divorce rate. So we know that generally speaking, you do not want porn to be in your relationship long-term. But should that really disqualify you from dating at all? Isn't that a bit extreme?

Well – I'd like to propose to you a third option. This is the advice that I give to the men in my community who are wrestling with this question. The question is not, "do you struggle?" nor is it "are you totally free?" The real question is, "What are you doing about the struggle right now?"

If you struggle with porn and you aren't doing anything notable – getting professional help, joining a program, etc. – I would caution against dating. Having the issue is one thing, but if you don't know how to work at it/resolve it, that's another thing, especially when you consider the long term impacts of one party viewing porn in a committed relationship.

You don't have to have it all figured out, but you do need some indicators that you are working on it diligently and that you have a path to recovery. Without this, getting into a relationship is dangerous. If you aren't sure whether or not what you're doing is enough, ask two questions:
1) Am I regularly making an investment into my recovery? This could be time, money, etc. It should be costing you something to get free. People who invest tend to stay more committed to the plan and process long-term.
2) Am I progressing? Are you noticing an improvement? What are some of the wins you've had lately? The better you can answer these questions, the more likely it is that you're on the right track and in a place to handle a relationship if the opportunity comes along.

One of our recent podcast interviews was with Hayden & Savannah Paul, who shared openly about how Hayden struggled with porn during their dating relationship. But he was in a program, had a mentor, and was actively making improvements to his life. And his wife (girlfriend at the time) loved that. She felt like she could trust him because he was honest about his problems but was clearly making changes in his life to reach a resolution. He got free while they were engaged. They've been married a couple years now and he hasn't turned back.

This is a great example of what it looks like to get into a relationship without being fully clean, but having a clear path towards freedom to give your partner confidence that if things get serious, the problem will be looked after before the marriage begins. Based on academic findings, and what we witness in the lives of our clients, this is the best case scenario for a single person working through their issues with porn.

Cheering you on,
Sathiya

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