Same-sex attraction is becoming a more common subject in our community. What we are finding is that many Christian men experience same-sex attraction, and much like their experience with porn addiction, have no valuable resources or people in their life to help them work through it. Today's blog is designed to provide a starting point if you are a Christian man that has same-sex attraction.
Let me start by saying that there is nothing wrong with you. You are not fatally flawed, and I am so sorry for any ways that the church and society may have sent an opposing message. Working through our sexuality is hard enough in this world, when you factor in the complexities of same-sex attraction, the challenges feel impossible to overcome.
Attraction is a complex subject – we don't fully understand what drives it or shapes it, but there are a few things we DO know.
-Attraction and identity are not the same thing. Be careful that the way you identify as a person is not too strongly linked with your attraction. Having same-sex attraction and identifying as gay are different in my opinion. I hope you can see the difference.
-Attraction is not cured, but it does adjust as you heal. For Christian men who want to be rid of same sex attraction, or at the very least long to reach a place where they can manage it and engage in a romantic heterosexual relationship, the BEST thing you can do for yourself is heal. Start digging into the roots. Get professional help. Join a program. The better you understand yourself, the more manageable it will be.
-Speaking of which, it is worth noting that some (not all) men with same-sex attraction were abused by men in their childhood. It is a misnomer to think that if someone is gay/has same sex-attraction they must have been abused, however there are some surveys that at least indicate a link between the two. If abuse is part of your past, you will need to go through a healing process if you want to see improvements in this area.
As a case study, a gentleman in our community joined with piles of shame not only for struggling with porn, but with gay porn specifically. He felt like the world's biggest hypocrite and wondered if anyone would be able to help him. We did not "go after" the same-sex attraction he was experiencing. Instead, we focused on him forming meaningful connections with other community members and helping him heal from wounds of the past. While he did not have abuse in his history, he did have a very tumultuous relationship with his father growing up.
After following our process for resolving root issues (past traumas, fault beliefs, etc.), he found himself in a much better place – feeling more comfortable in his own skin, little to no hard feelings towards his Dad, and a much better hold on his attraction. He reached a place where he was comfortable pursuing a romantic relationship with a woman by the time he had made it through! Same-sex attraction was still in the mix at times, but it was a minor issue at this point because the roots were taken care of.
The worst thing you can do as someone experiencing same-sex attraction is write yourself off. Many men in this situation assume they can never get married and often try to compensate in other areas of their life. This is not necessary and only fuels the shame. God still has a plan for you. He hasn't changed His mind about you. And if you let him into the deeper parts of your heart, and of your past, you will find that tremendous healing is available to you that will bring clarity, confidence, and ultimately – freedom.
Cheering you on,
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