Note: This is a 3 part email sequence, all the 3 parts have been compiled in this blog post. Each email is separately labeled.
We're all set for another epic monthly sequence focusing on bedroom heat, aka. S-E-X.
I know what you're thinking – "Bedroom fire, where does this guy come up with this stuff?"
I'd like to say it's the Holy Spirit, but honestly, my brain has always been a little whack. I'm just glad God helped me find a way to make use of it.
Here's the deal, I turned 33 recently and even though the jump from 32 to 33 seems insignificant, I've noticed that a lot of my friends are starting to talk about different problems now.
Sure, there's still some worry about finances. I think most men go through that.
And yes, there's some chatter about "kids these days" and how "times are changing so quickly".
And of course – we will talk about how bad all of our favorite sports teams here in Toronto are and how much better the teams would perform if we were running the organizations.
But a new topic has emerged recently, not just among my friends but also among colleagues and clients...
Turns out this is a pretty common phenomenon and as I've dug more into the stories of my colleagues, friends, etc., one thing has become abundantly clear...
The solutions are usually pretty simple.
So that's the good news.
The bad news is that the solutions may require stretching beyond your comfort zone.
You'll see what I mean in a moment, but let me tell you a story about my own marriage first.
When my wife and I were engaged, she got super sick.
Some of you probably know the story already – bedridden, no energy, doctors absolutely clueless about the cause.
I went from being on top of the world, ready to marry an incredible woman who was traveling to sing and lead worship, a full life ahead of her to...
Possibly becoming a caregiver the rest of my life, being the sole provider financially start to finish, and also being a major provider at home for cooking, cleaning, etc.
At this time – I was (kind of) a virgin. My ex and I had gotten pretty frisky but we never had intercourse.
I remember when things were heating up in that relationship and I was concerned about the lines I was crossing from a spiritual perspective – some friends of mine convinced me that if you do everything else but the actual thing, it doesn't count and you're still a virgin.
My wife thinks that's dumb. I think there's some legitimacy to it (because let's be real – all the other jobs you could get don't compare to the real thing).
However you want to slice it, the point is...
I was really looking forward to having sex when Shaloma and I got married.
So when the doctor reports kept getting more gloomy....
Was I concerned about her well-being? Of course.
Was I willing to do whatever it took for her to get better? You bet.
And did I start to think "Oh crap what does this mean for our sex life when we get married?!!"
Of course not! I would never. I am far too holy and righteou——
Okay fine, you got me. Yes. I thought about it all. The. Freaking. Time.
Part of that was purity culture shenanigans...
"Wait until marriage and then your wedding night will be spectacular!"
It was starting to look like my youth pastor lied to me...
But I learned something in this process, and it's the major takeaway for today's email (by the way, tomorrow's takeaway will literally make your wife's toes curl if you execute it correctly).
The bottom line here was that I loved my wife (fiancée at the time) and wanted to marry her. If that meant a low-sex to sexless marriage due to physical restraints, I'd just have to deal with it.
And I did. By setting more realistic expectations for how often we'd be having sex.
Most men go into marriage thinking they're gonna do it 5x/week and it's going to be wild all the time.
I went in hoping to do it 2x/month.
We've been together 3.5 years and real talk – I can't think of a single time that I've felt dissatisfied with our sex life.
It's not because we have wild, crazy porn-star sex.
It's because we do it about 1-2x/week which is significantly more than I was anticipating.
So if you're in a sexless marriage, here's lesson 1: Stop setting unrealistic expectations.
There's a reason your wife doesn't want to have sex.
The issue here is not the lack of sex. The issue is the reason that the marriage has become sexless.
You're not going to do some magic trick and make her want to have sex with you.
Surrender the expectation to suddenly get things back to the way they were.
Instead, make it your job to figure out what is really going on – the insecurities, fears, concerns, hurt, pain, etc., that is behind her choice to not have sex.
THEN you can start coming up with solutions.
I'll show you some specifics tomorrow.
In the meantime, check out this interview I did with Andrew Bauman – let's just say, the guy gets sexuality through a male lens and has some really useful concepts for taking a Biblical approach to sex.
What up bro,
In yesterday's email, we opened up a major can of worms (pun intended) – sexless marriages.
It's a real thing, and as you're going to find out, the solutions are not always that complicated.
Media would like you to think that there's some magic move or a perfect phrase that will make her want you like politicians want to raise taxes.
What you're going to discover today is that you don't need to be eloquent in speech or super smooth.
You just need to ask the right questions.
If you ask the right questions, your wife will be ready for beddy. Real talk.
And if you can ask the right questions consistently – you will be a god amongst men (in a non-sacrilegious way of course).
Let me use some male math to break this down.
Most men think that to get their wife in the mood goes something like this:
🔨 ✚ 💋 = 💥
🔨 = Fixing problems, doing things around the house, etc.
💋 = Putting on the "moves" – mood music, light caressing, etc.
💥 = If you weren't able to decode what this represents then you're probably too young to be reading this
Now one quick note about 💥 ... If you have been watching porn for longer than 2 years, your idea of what is "normal" might be a bit messed up.
In tomorrow's email we're going to straighten things out - stay tuned.
Back to our formula...
In reality, getting your wife in the mood is more like this...
❓ ✚ ❤️ ✚ 🔨 ✚ 💋 = 💥💥💥
❓ = Asking generative questions
❤️ = Experiencing a "heart" connection
All of those good things you do for her...providing financially, fixing things around the house, driving the kids around, etc. (🔨)
They all matter. And they all help.
And when you caress her and try to put on some moves (💋) – that's actually a good thing!
The problem is that you're doing it prematurely.
You gotta till the land first.
And the way you do that is with a little thing I like to call Generative Questions (kudos to my guy Larry Hagner for teaching me this one).
Generative questions are simple questions that enable your woman to share more openly and transparently.
When you ask these questions, she feels cared for, prioritized, and connected.
That's why ❓ (asking generative questions) leads to ❤️ (heart connection) which eventually leads to 💥 (bow chicka bow wow).
Or to put it in the words of my friend Dr. Joe Martin: "Connection leads to erection."
Let's put that in math terms...
❤️ ➡️ 🍆
(I know that was unnecessary but communicating via emojis is so fun!).
Now here's the tricky part...
You cannot just ask generative questions. You must be willing to answer them as well.
Your wife wants to know what's going on in your world – not just the things you're doing. But the feelings you're feeling and the thoughts you're thinking.
This is a two way street.
But remember what lies at the end of it...
Here are some generative questions for you to ask your loved one at your next date night, bedtime chat, etc.
These are literally just starters, but they are fantastic! If you want more, check out my interview with Larry Hagner (he's the king of this stuff).
Now, all of this comes with a CATCH.
You must eliminate all bedroom toxins.
There are 2 in particular that could ruin the work of generative questions – I'm going to talk about them in tomorrow's email.
In the meantime – remember, we need to take a slow and steady approach to this.
It may take a conversation or two of generative questions before things start to heat up.
But trust me, if you play this the way I've laid it out, you will get laid out.
We're talking about how to turn up the heat in your bedroom.
And if things haven't gotten fiery yet – just you wait. They're about to.
Now let's do a quick recap of the last 2 emails.
First – sexless marriages happen. Our job is to set realistic expectations as we get things hot and spicy again.
Second – generative questions are the EASIEST way to turn things up with the wife.
Thirdly – we must eliminate bedroom toxins: the invisible 'critters' that erode intimacy.
There are 2 toxins in particular that must be eliminated.
Let me illustrate the first with a story...
A dear friend of mine - we'll call him Pete - called me up one day out of the blue (this was back in the day when I had time to take calls out of the blue).
It was all small talk at first, which is to be expected. But then the small talk kept going.
I was hoping eventually he'd get around to the reason he called, but he didn't so I broke the ice.
"So what's up man? What made you reach out?"
Then he dropped the question that I should've seen coming a mile away...
"Oh well, umm...can you tell me more about your program?"
I never go right into program details. I want to understand the individual's situation first – the challenges, desired outcome, etc.
When we got talking about the challenges he was facing, he kept giving wishy-washy answers – something we don't tolerate here.
So I kept poking around and FINALLY got an honest answer...
"I just feel bad for myself because I've never had a blow job in my life because my wife isn't willing to do it"
There was a silence...
"Why does that matter to you?" I replied.
"Because I feel like porn has taught me that this is normal and my wife won't work through her trauma and I feel so #$%* argh this is so hard dude what do I do?!!!"
Pete was dealing with the toxin of comparison.
Whether you compare to porn, stories you hear, or experiences of your friends/colleagues/buddies at basketball – it will never be useful.
Not only that, comparison will destroy intimacy.
Remember our first email in this sequence? We talked about how important expectation setting is for a healthy sex life.
Comparison rots your expectations and leaves you terribly unsatisfied both in the relationship itself and your overall sexual satisfaction.
You need to eliminate comparison ASAP if you want a strong sex life.
Let's run with Pete's story to illustrate the second toxin as well by reviewing his honest statement with me...
"I just feel bad for myself because I've never had..."
I'm not sure about you but I totally empathized with Pete's statement. I've had those thoughts and sentiments myself.
Here's the thing...
Those thoughts are incredibly selfish. They are awful by-products from years of watching porn.
We use porn for our gain.
And when you do this regularly over long periods of time, you start to think about yourself and your own needs/desires above everything else.
If you get NOTHING from this sequence of emails, get this:
A servant heart is at the core of a good sex life.
It doesn't mean we neglect our own desires or wants. Rather, it means that we understand their importance.
They are second.
Put her desires and wants are first.
When you approach sex with the heart of a servant, a couple things happen:
Here's the crazy awesome part...
God wants you to have a thriving sex life.
It is not a luxury or a bonus. It's supposed to be a part of marriage.
But it doesn't just happen automatically – you and I have to do our part.
That includes a couple of things:
Now here's the deal...
If you did the first two things on that list masterfully – set expectations, generative questions – but you didn't eliminate bedroom toxins...
Your work will have a FRACTION of the effect.
You gotta get the toxins out. The most impactful way to do that by far is quitting pornography.
Think about it – if you quit porn, you will be far less prone to compare (toxin 1).
And if you don't watch porn, you won't be conditioned to be so selfish (toxin 2).
We set aside time every week to speak with men who are serious about quitting porn properly – by resolving the ROOT issues (that's our specialty).
If you know you need help quitting porn so you can have a:
-Stronger connection with your wife
-Active sex life
-Greater overall sexual satisfaction
Then here is your chance to book a time with my team right now.
We would love to speak with you and see if my program is a fit for you.
In the meantime, take some action from this.
Schedule a date with your wife and pick out a few generative questions.
Have a journaling session about your expectations around sex and ask the Holy Spirit to refine them.
Or maybe it's time you explore a program and get to the root of all of this once and for all.
Whatever you do, don't just click to the next email. Take action.
Here's the link to speak with someone from my team. See you soon!
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