Ep 765 - Q&A w Sathiya, Shawn, & Oskar
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[00:00:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:00:05] [00:00:10] [00:00:15] [00:00:20] [00:00:25] [00:00:30] All right. What's up, everybody? It's Sathya Sam here. Welcome to Unleash the Man Within. Thank you [00:00:35] guys so much for listening. And here we are, our fourth round of, uh, [00:00:40] Sean Bonoteau and I, uh, hashing out some recovery stuff, doing some Q and A. [00:00:45] Sean, it's been fun, man.
[00:00:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I'm enjoying this so
[00:00:46] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. It's great to be here. It's been some great [00:00:50] questions. Keeps us on our toes, man. It's good stuff.
[00:00:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I know. I actually love it. I'm [00:00:55] really, really enjoying this. Um, all right, I'm going to kick this off with a bit of a punchy statement. I [00:01:00] think porn viewership numbers would plummet. If the local [00:01:05] church did a better job talking about the subject, what do you think?
[00:01:09] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:01:10] Yeah. I talk about often. Um, just in [00:01:15] regards to the nervous system conversation, you and I had that, I think you in the first episode we did [00:01:20] together, it's like if pastors could just slip in a small understanding of the [00:01:25] nervous system before they tell people to read their Bible and pray more, people would have [00:01:30] incredible results with addiction.
[00:01:31] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: They would feel closer to Jesus. And I think that have better families, [00:01:35] better marriages. So I completely agree. Um, and it's [00:01:40] supposed to be a hospital. So the fact that we're not experiencing the support [00:01:45] that we are to get in the hospital and we have to go find it elsewhere. That's exhausting enough. So I [00:01:50] think guys are experiencing the friction of finding it on their own.
[00:01:53] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: There's embarrassment because it [00:01:55] hasn't been a hospital over a lot of years. It's been a lot of shame and more of a museum [00:02:00] and there's so much opportunities. It's easy to say all the church, all these bad things, but there's so many good things [00:02:05] happening. But I think yeah, That's a powerful statement that I would totally agree with.
[00:02:09] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:02:10] Yeah, what's the stat? Like 93 percent of local churches don't have a [00:02:15] program or curriculum for people struggling with porn?
[00:02:18] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. I think that was from the [00:02:20] Barna group. I, I think it's quite a few years back, but that was North. [00:02:25] Yeah, that was North American, but still, like, that's staggering. Even if it's, [00:02:30] even if it's a bit better today, it's not going to be that tremendous.
[00:02:32] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah, no, and to [00:02:35] be honest, it's possible it's even gone in the wrong direction.
[00:02:37] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah.
[00:02:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: yeah. I'm [00:02:40] really passionate about this. I get asked this question a lot on podcasts when I interview because [00:02:45] Especially obviously Christian podcasts, because I think people, they like having you and I on their podcast [00:02:50] because they can't find people to talk about this stuff because, right, not even pastors are talking about it.
[00:02:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And [00:02:55] so people always ask, like, what does this church need to do? What, I [00:03:00] mean, and this is where, like, I, I feel like I have at least maybe a leg to stand on [00:03:05] having been in pastoral ministry for 10 years before doing this full time and [00:03:10] being a pastor's kid and a grand pastor's kid and, you know, my great grandpa was a pastor as [00:03:15] well.
[00:03:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: It's all rich in the family. Um, I, I think pastors are actually a [00:03:20] huge part of this, you know, cause pastors typically don't want to bring someone in and talk about [00:03:25] pornography because number one, it's going to be uncomfortable. Um, it's not going to be [00:03:30] the, you know, super awe inspiring feeling, feel good, Joel Osteen kind of message [00:03:35] on a Sunday or number two, the pastor himself is [00:03:40] struggling.
[00:03:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So he doesn't want to feel like a hypocrite, you know, to talk about pornography when he [00:03:45] himself is struggling. And, and I think that component I really empathize with because I was struggling [00:03:50] with pornography when I was a pastor. Didn't ever really figure out how to [00:03:55] navigate it as a pastor like I guess I did to an extent And I was very [00:04:00] fortunate my my last job full time as a pastor I was under the leadership that was really understanding so [00:04:05] I could talk to them about it but Some people can't, [00:04:10] right?
[00:04:10] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Some people, if they tell their leadership, it's over. You know, they, they lose their job. [00:04:15] So I feel it for pastors. So like on one hand, I'm like, man, I want to see pastors do [00:04:20] better in this area. And on the other hand, I get it. What, what are, what do you say when someone on a [00:04:25] podcast is like, Hey, what should the church be doing?
[00:04:26] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. I do agree with you. I think [00:04:30] there's a challenge with. Pastors being put on a pedestal, which is [00:04:35] very unfair. I think that's really, really hard. They then become [00:04:40] a idol to the church in many ways. And, you know, if, if they have a wrong, then it's almost [00:04:45] like, you know, the church is God. I think that's a huge problem in North America, especially today.
[00:04:49] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Like the church has [00:04:50] become God, which is just really, really dangerous. But the thing that I [00:04:55] often talk about Sathya is that. A pastor's job is to shepherd the [00:05:00] flock. And a lot of times a pastor becomes a counselor, a therapist, a relationship [00:05:05] coach, and it's like, yeah, like there's elements to them in, in shepherding.[00:05:10]
[00:05:10] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But I think ultimately, uh, a shepherd is that person who can sit with you in [00:05:15] pain, can. Be with you in pain. They might not have to be an expert in anything. I think that is where the [00:05:20] church has often kind of found para church ministries, which, you know, on the [00:05:25] surface looks fine in Dandia, a partnership of collaborative church organizations, but, [00:05:30] you know, supposed to be the church.
[00:05:32] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And often we just don't see things happening in [00:05:35] the church, which is where we then see those people have to go outside the church to find these organizations. [00:05:40] So I think we've burdened our pastors as well. They're exhausted. They're tired. [00:05:45] Hence why porn usage is so high. I think if we actually allowed pastors to do what they are [00:05:50] called to do, which is to teach and shepherd, and we had people come alongside them in the church to do these [00:05:55] sorts of things so that the church can be a hospital, I think the church would be better off.
[00:05:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:06:00] agree. And it goes without saying the viewership stats among [00:06:05] Christians. are not really that different than any other [00:06:10] demographic. And there's two billion of us in this world. So
[00:06:13] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah.
[00:06:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: the numbers would [00:06:15] actually improve significantly if Christians were getting resourced the right way. I [00:06:20] really do believe that, as outlandish as it may sound.
[00:06:22] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree. Yeah. I [00:06:25] can't remember. Helena was telling me about this, but Michael Knowles from daily wire was [00:06:30] on the whatever podcast recently for, I think for the second time. And one of the only fans models [00:06:35] basically said like, you know, you're, you're saying that faith is the antidote to [00:06:40] healing things like addiction and all, and all the things that we do.
[00:06:42] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But why is it your church [00:06:45] that some of the most addicted to pornography? And, and, and Helena said his answer just was not [00:06:50] good, which is just really sad. We also have a lot of leaders in parachurch [00:06:55] organizations that just don't know anything about this topic. And it's really hurting the church a lot. [00:07:00] Bad advice, unwarranted advice, just causing more harm than [00:07:05] good.
[00:07:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: yeah, I really give my, my, uh, pastor credit [00:07:10] because he, he's, he's really close with my family, but not really [00:07:15] me because I lived in a different city. For a long time, but he followed me on instagram. I didn't even [00:07:20] know this And so he came up to me we had met like years ago and he came up to me This is like [00:07:25] probably about a year and a bit ago.
[00:07:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: He was like, hey, man I've been seeing your stuff on instagram looks [00:07:30] amazing. We need to get you in here And my wife and i've been attending the church for like, uh, Six or seven months at that point [00:07:35] and he didn't even know the church is about 1200 people So he was just seeing us every once in a while and just thought we were [00:07:40] visiting because that's what we used to do but he um He said, and the, [00:07:45] the church had recently let go of one of their prominent pastors because of a moral [00:07:50] failure that they didn't disclose details about, but it was safe to say it involves something of a [00:07:55] sexual nature.
[00:07:55] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and he, he basically was like, Hey, [00:08:00] we really, we, we really need your message. Like, can you come in and talk? And, um, I've, [00:08:05] I've really appreciated that. I would say there's. There's churches that are doing a really good job. You know, they [00:08:10] have the pure desire groups and the pastor's transparent from the pulpit.
[00:08:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I think [00:08:15] you have a lot of churches that do nothing, um, other than to, you know, they'll lay down the law. [00:08:20] They'll tell you what the standard is, but there's no real support there. And I think there is an emerging [00:08:25] contingent of churches that are just looking for the right person [00:08:30] that they could maybe trust to carry that message.
[00:08:32] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and I was fortunate to be that guy in our local church [00:08:35] and. Um, I think that's cool. And I, I would love to see more of even just that, that would be such a [00:08:40] good start because yeah, people are begging for it, man.
[00:08:43] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. Praise God, [00:08:45] man. I love that. I had a client might have been yesterday. He was saying that he [00:08:50] goes to us like pretty small church, like two or 300 people, relatively smaller church. And they [00:08:55] brought J stringer into to share for a weekend and they make every [00:09:00] staff member and elder go through his video course.
[00:09:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: whoa.
[00:09:04] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: that's amazing. [00:09:05] It's like things you hear from like churches of 3000 people that have the money for that stuff. Like how committed are you [00:09:10] to sexual integrity to do that with a small church? So I just think like what a great [00:09:15] example that that's uh, that's an option. And you know, I don't know how much Jason is [00:09:20] charging, but you know, for a small church to be able to afford that, it must be reasonable enough to say this is a big [00:09:25] deal that we need to talk about.
[00:09:26] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Um, the other thing that just Been on my heart a [00:09:30] lot since, you know, we lived in Halifax, very spiritually dark area, lots of [00:09:35] witchcraft, lots of different denominational tension, even black and white tensions. [00:09:40] Fascinating place to be. Um, you just really realize if you go to a [00:09:45] church for enough weeks in a row.
[00:09:47] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: There's a lot of churches that just don't share the gospel every [00:09:50] week. Like, they'll talk, they'll preach about marriage and it's a motivational talk. And if you're in that church as [00:09:55] a single person or a divorced person, there's no value at all. And the only value of church is [00:10:00] the gospel. So I think that's actually the heart of the problem if I think about it.
[00:10:04] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: yeah, [00:10:05] yeah, that is a really good point. Man, that's a big conversation about church and what, what [00:10:10] church has become these days. Because I think, like my, my wife and I were really involved at a, [00:10:15] at a very charismatic church in Toronto for, you know, a decade plus, 20 years plus [00:10:20] between the two of us. Um, and.
[00:10:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: We loved it, loved it to bits [00:10:25] and pieces. But ultimately, you know, we reached a point where we just felt like we [00:10:30] weren't getting fed. You know, we weren't getting fed spiritually there because the word had become really weak, very [00:10:35] topical. Um, but to their credit, they did an altar call every week and the church right now [00:10:40] does an altar call every week.
[00:10:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And they don't just, they don't just dance around it or do it lightly as [00:10:45] protocol. Like they really preach a good, like the gospel gets presented every single week and [00:10:50] people give their lives to Jesus every week. It's, it's amazing. And it's, [00:10:55] uh, it, I used to always question a little bit because I, so for example, [00:11:00] like a Reinhard Bonnke, I love Reinhard Bonnke, really respect him, you know, a world renowned [00:11:05] evangelist who brought literally tens of millions of people into the kingdom.
[00:11:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: But then I [00:11:10] always questioned, like, you know, there was like 3 million saved in Lagos and 7 million saved in [00:11:15] Uganda. And you're kind of like, what, what is happening to these people after they make that decision?
[00:11:18] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah.
[00:11:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:11:20] Um, they, his organization actually got really good about plugging in local churches and [00:11:25] equipping them and saying, Hey, you know, after we run this crusade with literally millions of people, your [00:11:30] churches might get flooded.
[00:11:31] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And here's how you disciple them. And I thought that was cool. And maybe it's not the best system in the [00:11:35] world, but they were, they put their effort forth and that's the one [00:11:40] thing this is, I got on this because. I feel like quitting [00:11:45] pornography and walking in holiness and righteousness and all that stuff is actually, [00:11:50] um, you know, it's discipleship like at its, at its core, it's just us becoming [00:11:55] more Christlike, you know, and maybe that's part of it, you know, is that we've made, [00:12:00] we've kind of isolated the subject matter and it's had its own curriculum and stuff.
[00:12:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And maybe, maybe it [00:12:05] just needs to be more integrated into the day to day discipleship process that happens at the local church. But [00:12:10] yeah, those two things both are not separate and apart.
[00:12:12] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. So good. Yeah. I [00:12:15] posted in the community. I think a couple weeks ago. Um, I think it's Titus. [00:12:20] One or two, Paul's basically saying it's like I proclaim the faith and I teach the [00:12:25] truth and I think we have a lot of people that have understood the proclamation of [00:12:30] faith, but to like have somebody come alongside you and teach you the truth and how to [00:12:35] live it.
[00:12:35] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: It's just not happening. It's just not happening. You see, that's what Paul dedicated his [00:12:40] whole life to after, after being saved, you know, with Timothy and Titus and the churches. It's [00:12:45] like, yeah, like we have a great template and we have a great blueprint on how to do [00:12:50] that.
[00:12:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I, I sat on the [00:12:55] leadership meetings of, um, this, this one very large church and [00:13:00] was like, you know, it would be great to see some more substance in the messages and, you know, [00:13:05] like, like kind of what you're talking about. And um, And it was like, [00:13:10] Oh, well, you know, we're trying to do something different here on Sundays, but if you want more message, like if you want more depth, like there's [00:13:15] always podcasts and, you know, dah, dah, dah, dah, and it was like, man, what, you know, that's just [00:13:20] crazy.
[00:13:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: That's crazy that like our main presentation to the general public or not the general public, [00:13:25] but, you know, people that are coming to get spiritually fed is, uh. Yeah, so watered [00:13:30] down and so dilute. So yeah, anyway, um, Sean, I wanted to ask you what [00:13:35] it's been like you are living with family in the Czech [00:13:40] Republic and I've been living with family for the last 10 weeks here in Jamaica and [00:13:45] dude, it's got some interesting dynamics and I wanted to [00:13:50] ask you what it's been like because, uh, because I could tell you some stories on our end, man.
[00:13:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: It's been, it's actually been really good. [00:13:55] Like, and, like, I'm not going to bash my family, obviously, uh, even if there was stuff to bash them about and there [00:14:00] isn't. But, uh, I feel like it's really stretched me. Like, I've really grown a lot. What's it been like for you guys?
[00:14:04] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:14:05] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So for us, it's a bit, it's kind of twofold. So the first one is that [00:14:10] we, we do have separation. So we're living upstairs. There's a staircase and [00:14:15] a door that's blocking where Helena's mom and dad live. So that obviously gives us [00:14:20] Some freedom there. The challenge is we have a toddler who hears babička [00:14:25] or děda, grandpa and grandma in Czech, and she wants to go see them and the door [00:14:30] is slidable.
[00:14:30] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So it's not hard for her to go and do that. So the some of the main challenges that we've had [00:14:35] is not at all really with Helena's mom and dad. The only thing is Helena's dad's fairly pessimistic. [00:14:40] So I don't hear him talking because I don't speak Czech, but Helena hears it all. And that's been pretty [00:14:45] hard for her.
[00:14:45] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I could imagine if I could hear him, it would be fairly hard as well. But the main [00:14:50] challenge has been the out of controlness of other family members visiting whenever they [00:14:55] want and us having to basically kind of be involved in the family [00:15:00] dynamics or or it's like we're ignoring family. Or again, Violet [00:15:05] hears everybody downstairs and she wants to go see everybody.
[00:15:07] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So there's certainly times where, you know, [00:15:10] one of Helena's sisters is very toxic. She's just become a very large [00:15:15] challenge for us working through that since we moved here really. Um, so, [00:15:20] you know, she visits often and it's kind of like, oh, like it just reminds me of the unsafety I felt with my [00:15:25] mom growing up.
[00:15:26] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So that's been really hard. Um, [00:15:30] so, yeah, that's been the main challenge of just like, man, we don't, like, we [00:15:35] live here, but we don't like, have autonomy. So that's hard. Um, but the [00:15:40] blessings have been, like, Violet is around family all the time, uh, been able to, yeah, share the [00:15:45] gospel with Helena's, uh, sister and brother in law who speak English and had a, like, [00:15:50] crazy long conversation with them, actually, just the last weekend.
[00:15:53] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Um, so there's been just [00:15:55] some cool opportunities that would be. a little bit more challenging if we didn't live in that house. [00:16:00] So, uh, really big blessings. And Helena's dad is just an absolute gem when it comes to like [00:16:05] handiwork. So he's our go to guy for when we have challenges around the house. And then Helena's [00:16:10] mom is like such a phenomenal grandma with helping us out with, with just [00:16:15] caring for her with Lydia now.
[00:16:16] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So it's been, it's been a stretch for me. Like [00:16:20] you're saying, the stretching is like for me and my family dynamic. Um, safety [00:16:25] with my mom was always, uh, just obsolete. So I've been [00:16:30] stretching myself to grow in feeling safe around Helena's mom. And she's, she's always proven herself [00:16:35] safe and she is a very safe person.
[00:16:36] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But because of my inner child, my upbringing. My, my [00:16:40] inclination is that it's just not worth going into depth with her because [00:16:45] with my mom, it's never been worth it. So I'm trying to break that. We got into some depth over the last [00:16:50] weekend, um, which was actually really challenging depth. We had a bit of a [00:16:55] theological argument, which was actually really good for me.
[00:16:57] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: She's, she's Catholic. from Europe. So [00:17:00] some interesting things there, but it was so good for me to go through that. And I really, [00:17:05] uh, appreciated and respected her for that, that we could have that conversation without it leading to [00:17:10] her shutting down or us, you know, butting heads or something. So that, that's actually been really [00:17:15] therapeutic for me.
[00:17:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: it's interesting how kids really shape that because I [00:17:20] remember you telling me, I remember the first time you went to the check. Or maybe it wasn't the first time, but I just remember the [00:17:25] specific trip you went and you came back and you were like, man, I just saw the way Violet [00:17:30] was and you know, like there's something there and look what that's led [00:17:35] to now you guys live there and I, I, I don't feel quite [00:17:40] the same thing that I think you felt with Czech with Jamaica, but I will say my [00:17:45] mother in law is just unbelievable with Judah and like, [00:17:50] we always joke, like Judah's three favorite people are her.
[00:17:53] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Mommy, Daddy, and [00:17:55] Nani, you know, his grandma, um, because, well, I mean, for starters, like, she was there when [00:18:00] he was born, so she was with us for the first six weeks or so, and now we spent another ten weeks [00:18:05] under her roof, and Um, yeah, for me, that's, that's always like the trade off is it's [00:18:10] like, yeah, sometimes it's hard, you know, sometimes my mother in law wants me to go down the hill and get onions for [00:18:15] her for like the seven time and this week, you know, um, but then [00:18:20] Judah just adores her, you know, and gets, gets this great nurturing [00:18:25] kind of environment where he's loved and he celebrated and.[00:18:30]
[00:18:30] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: You know, mommy and daddy don't have all the pressure to be the sole caregiver. So just an [00:18:35] interesting trade off with family, man.
[00:18:36] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, and trade trade offs a great word [00:18:40] and sometimes it's like, man, this doesn't get any better. And sometimes it's like, what am I doing here? [00:18:45] Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's very interesting. But, um, [00:18:50] yeah, I obviously won't share any, any details, but God's been stirring in our [00:18:55] heart for, uh, what might be some of the next things we do in this next season.
[00:18:58] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And, uh, we've [00:19:00] been praying pretty diligently me. for him to reveal some, some [00:19:05] wisdom, some, some answers. And, uh, we were thinking that there's something in with the [00:19:10] area we live in for a potential building project. And, uh, we thought it was going to be like six months from now. We [00:19:15] might hear from them if it's a yes or a no.
[00:19:17] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And we got news that it's like next week, we're going to [00:19:20] find out. So it's just been really cool how God's been maneuvering that. And Helena's family's really big. Like [00:19:25] her parents are really big on like generational blessing with. Like passing home [00:19:30] houses down or, or land. So there's that thing that I, I would never like, my family [00:19:35] has no investments, nothing like that.
[00:19:37] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So just even being a part of a family that cares about blessing [00:19:40] the next generation, like I really feel like I want to, I want to honor them. That's an absolute [00:19:45] gift.
[00:19:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. That's cool. That's really cool. Because yeah, I would say my, you [00:19:50] know, It was just understood that my parents probably wouldn't have a lot to pass on and i'm not [00:19:55] even the slight bit bothered by that um, but my [00:20:00] wife and I've been talking, you know, the the company's growing and we We have handled our finances very [00:20:05] differently than either of our parents, you know, so like we've been even when we [00:20:10] were dirt poor We were putting money away for the future as best as we could and now [00:20:15] I I don't think the interview is out We haven't we recorded the interview But I don't think it's been released at the time that we're [00:20:20] recording this it probably will be though by the time this comes out, but we interviewed a guy named [00:20:25] Scott Donald and he is all about financial literacy, but [00:20:30] especially financial literacy kind of in the home, like he really believes it should all be happening in the home.[00:20:35]
[00:20:35] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So he's equipping parents to, you know, do this better with their kids and vice versa. It's really, really good stuff. [00:20:40] And, um, all of his concepts came out of. studying [00:20:45] some of the world's wealthiest families that have been wealthy for multiple generations. [00:20:50] That was like the stipulation. It's, it's not just like that they've been wealthy for one generation, but [00:20:55] how are they staying wealthy throughout centuries?
[00:20:58] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Because, um, [00:21:00] I think it's 90 percent of wealth is lost by the second generation, something like that. [00:21:05] And, um, he basically said, like, It's more about leaving a [00:21:10] heritage than it is about leaving a specific inheritance, which I thought was really cool, like [00:21:15] it's not about the assets. Um, but at the same time, the one thing he did say [00:21:20] is he's like, but they all still left something for their kids, right?
[00:21:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And, [00:21:25] um, and there's something really powerful about that. You know, even the Bible says like a good man leaves an [00:21:30] inheritance for his children's children. And, um, I think that's cool you have that, man. It's cool [00:21:35] that that experience has been so positive for you guys.
[00:21:37] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. And I must say, man, it's, it's a [00:21:40] testimony to a lot of the healing that I've gone through in the last six years. This would be a disaster [00:21:45] if I was, yeah, not a emotionally fit gospel centered [00:21:50] Christ follower. It would be an absolute disaster. So I'm [00:21:55] so grateful. Oh,
[00:21:58] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: cool. [00:22:00] Um, what, uh, are you, are you cooking? I know you're driving on the Czech roads. Are you cooking any Czech food [00:22:05] yet?
[00:22:06] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: man. I, yeah, just, just [00:22:10] eating it, man. The,
[00:22:11] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: All right.
[00:22:11] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: cooking side for me is, is so poor. [00:22:15] So,
[00:22:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Oh, is it?
[00:22:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: yeah, I do enjoy cooking, but, uh, Helena is [00:22:20] so good at it. Helena's mom and dad make us food enough times where we're, we're well taken care [00:22:25] of. So,
[00:22:25] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: you're blessed,
[00:22:26] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: yeah, the, uh, the thing I really enjoy [00:22:30] here is just exploring some of the different beers.
[00:22:32] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Actually, it's such a beer country. [00:22:35] It's, uh, it's actually really nice to be a part of that and not get sucked into it, but to enjoy it. But, you [00:22:40] know, like a bottle of beer here is a dollar Canadian and it's like high, high [00:22:45] quality, good stuff. So, it's just nice to be able to enjoy it without breaking the [00:22:50] bank.
[00:22:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: God bless Europe, man.
[00:22:52] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Completely [00:22:55] different.
[00:22:55] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: we, I remember we were in, was it in the UK and we were looking for a bottle [00:23:00] of wine and it's like, man, a bottle of wine is like three bucks here. And it's like good wine, [00:23:05] like good European wine, you know, it's crazy. Switzerland would be the only [00:23:10] exception. You pay markup on everything in Switzerland, but yeah, [00:23:15] we
[00:23:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That's a,
[00:23:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: were telling, we were, we were showing some friends, our [00:23:20] video, this is like the video we show everybody about our Europe trip, which is me.
[00:23:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:23:25] Paragliding
[00:23:25] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:23:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: fun because like the, the instructor [00:23:30] who's actually like steering it, she's got like, you know, the handles, but then she actually had one hand that was holding a [00:23:35] selfie stick. So she's like taking a selfie and she's showing all around. It's, it's this sick video and I [00:23:40] paid like.
[00:23:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: 40 US bucks for it. It was the best 40 bucks I ever spent. Um,
[00:23:44] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:23:45] epic, man.
[00:23:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: really cool. But then anytime we tell people about Switzerland, we always have to warn them. Like [00:23:50] it's actually number one, it's super expensive, but then they also just charge you for [00:23:55] everything. So like after that paragliding ride, I remember we were so parched.
[00:23:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Cause you [00:24:00] know, you've been up in the air for like 20 minutes. And then, so we just went and they're like, you know, we ordered some [00:24:05] water and we got a little bit of food. And they're like, Oh, do you want, you know, sparkling water [00:24:10] or still water or whatever? And we were like, Oh, just from the tap is fine. You know, and it's Switzerland.
[00:24:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I can literally see [00:24:15] the river flowing down from the mountain that they're, you know, getting the spring water from. [00:24:20] And, uh, they charged me like 30 Swiss francs for that glass of water for the glass, you know, not even a [00:24:25] bottle. So we just warn people are like, it's expensive and you're going to pay for stuff that you didn't even [00:24:30] budget for.
[00:24:30] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So just
[00:24:30] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. Checks like that too, man. It's very hard to get free [00:24:35] water. And, um, you have to pay to pee and you got to pay to drink water, which to a Canadian is [00:24:40] insane.
[00:24:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: You pay to use the public bathrooms. Is that what you mean? Or,
[00:24:43] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: you do. [00:24:45] Yeah.
[00:24:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: okay.
[00:24:46] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Like in Prague, you're in, in Prague, you're probably looking at [00:24:50] like, I get like a dollar 50 to go pee.
[00:24:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:24:55] And you gotta pay more if you're doing a number two
[00:24:57] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. You sometimes. [00:25:00] Yeah, and you can imagine a tourist, like you're [00:25:05] drinking and eating all day, right? It's not very fair.
[00:25:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: no [00:25:10] kidding.
[00:25:10] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: You got me 20 bucks on the toilet today.
[00:25:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: seriously, so there's like a [00:25:15] strategy like you really do have to use the bathroom before you go out because you're actually saving money.
[00:25:18] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. If you're at, if you're at a [00:25:20] location and you buy a beer, you can go pee for free. It ends up being a free beer.
[00:25:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:25:25] Oh, I see, I see. There you go. There you
[00:25:27] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That's, that's the Prague trick right there.
[00:25:29] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:25:30] That's hilarious, man. Wow, too funny, too funny. [00:25:35] Okay, well, let's jump into some questions here.
[00:25:37] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0045: First question is from Eric in [00:25:40] Boise, USA. My wife and I had a small discussion about holding high [00:25:45] standards and expectations for ourselves versus letting go and not trying to do more than we are [00:25:50] able. Having high expectations for myself often adds to my stress, [00:25:55] which has negative effects at work and at home.
[00:25:58] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0045: How do you manage [00:26:00] striving for excellence with the stress and anxiety about not being where you want to [00:26:05] be or who you could be?
[00:26:06] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah, man, I could have written this question myself. This is like [00:26:10] classic Cynthia syndrome right here. Um, so Eric, I feel you, man. I [00:26:15] think, um, usually people that are in this situation, um, asking this question. [00:26:20] So you're putting a lot of pressure, a lot of stress on yourself. Um, you can feel the stress, [00:26:25] but you don't want to sacrifice the standards.
[00:26:28] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, [00:26:30] and you know, like let yourself go and all that kind of stuff. The, the thing that I've [00:26:35] had to learn, and this is true, this is true in recovery. Uh, when I think about my [00:26:40] physical health, this is definitely true. Just about every facet of life, which is that [00:26:45] everything when it's healthy has a rhythm to it.
[00:26:48] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And the rhythm will [00:26:50] always be a conglomerate of both go and slow. [00:26:55] And so, you know, even working out, like I used to do a lot of HIIT workouts, so I have [00:27:00] weights in my hands. But then, you know, I'm, I'm, it's kind of like circuit training. You're going from one thing to the [00:27:05] next and because there was no rest in between, my body doesn't get a chance to recover.
[00:27:09] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And [00:27:10] so I was getting into better shape, like cardiovascular wise, but I wasn't actually really putting [00:27:15] on muscle or getting stronger to, to actually, you know, strength train effectively. You, you lift the [00:27:20] weight, but then there has to be a rest so that your body actually. [00:27:25] And, and it can send a signal, um, and so I think, [00:27:30] um, I, I remember I, I, I used to be a songwriter and I, I, I went through the season [00:27:35] and I wrote this, I wrote this little lyric like God, you work the most when I rest.
[00:27:39] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And [00:27:40] that was something I had discovered was just sometimes in my striving for excellence and upholding [00:27:45] standards. Um, especially, you know, if you're trying to quit pornography and you have a goal like I want to quit porn by the end of the [00:27:50] year and you end up putting a lot of pressure on yourself to try to hit these targets.
[00:27:53] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Sometimes what happens [00:27:55] when you don't give yourself permission to rest or a little extra compassion when you're having a difficult [00:28:00] day. Is you end up deviating further and further away from that standard and the [00:28:05] actual efforts that you put in are less effective because of it. So [00:28:10] my, the person who asked this question needs to hear more than anything else.
[00:28:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: You got to rest. [00:28:15] You have to give yourself permission to let go. You've made letting go this bad thing that is [00:28:20] deviating from the standards. When in reality, it's the very thing that you need to hit them. So [00:28:25] that would be my, my big recommendations. I would let go. I'd take the pressure off altogether. [00:28:30] Um, and the other thing that I would say is sometimes if we get too caught up in upholding a [00:28:35] standard, we end up losing sight of the things that really matter to us.
[00:28:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So for [00:28:40] example, like a physical goal, like I, I have a goal. My, my big crazy goal [00:28:45] is that one day I want to weigh 200 pounds and be 12 percent body fat. So that means I have to put on like a ton of [00:28:50] muscle. I don't know if it's going to happen or not. And I'm kind of going in with that set of expectations.
[00:28:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:28:55] However, I'm going to do everything I can, and I have something I'm kind of steering the [00:29:00] pushing the needle towards, but what's the actual reason I want to do that? I just want to be a healthy guy. And there's a [00:29:05] lot of research showing that muscle mass can actually contribute to longevity because. [00:29:10] It's actually muscle deterioration that that can cause the onset of other diseases and the body shutting down [00:29:15] So this is actually much more about long term health.
[00:29:18] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So if I stress [00:29:20] myself out trying to hit my fitness goals I'm now being counterproductive because [00:29:25] even though I'm upholding the standard and trying to achieve the goal I'm shooting myself in the foot [00:29:30] because the added stress is negatively contributing to my goal Which is to be healthy long term and to live a [00:29:35] long Successful, you know, stable life.
[00:29:37] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So, um, so I [00:29:40] think it sounds like you just need some permission, man. You got to let that thing go. That'll be good for you. And in the [00:29:45] process, you'll actually find more strength, more clarity and everything else that you need to have a successful [00:29:50] recovery or whatever the goal might be that you're trying to achieve.
[00:29:52] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, Eric, great [00:29:55] question. Uh, I think piggybacking off of what's the thing there with his [00:30:00] goal to be 200 pounds, uh, 12 percent body fats. Like he has [00:30:05] a vision and a why behind what he's doing. So we usually, when people set standards or [00:30:10] expectations on themselves, it's really just. Kind of because they want to be better.[00:30:15]
[00:30:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Like we can all do more. We can all do harder things. We don't grow our capacity, but [00:30:20] why? Like that, that's really important. If you don't know why, then it's just going to be too hard. [00:30:25] Like you're saying, not trying to do more than we're able to. Um, usually what we're able [00:30:30] to do from a psychological standpoint in our mindset.
[00:30:33] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Is we're actually able to do more [00:30:35] and when we have a, you know, a white hot why or a or a purpose behind it, [00:30:40] we were able to stretch ourselves. So I've talked about this in the past as having a [00:30:45] compassion and dignity combination. So we want to have a sense of dignity where [00:30:50] we do show up. We do hard things.
[00:30:52] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: We do try our best. But then we also have [00:30:55] compassion to say, Hey, Man, my baby was up all night last night and I did not sleep. [00:31:00] Today is just not going to be the same as yesterday. We want to be able to have compassion for ourselves. So it [00:31:05] is on those days where whatever, get we're in more traffic than normal.
[00:31:09] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And we, [00:31:10] we miss our one hour window of working out, like whatever it is, like where it needs to grow in the, uh, [00:31:15] the ability to have compassion for ourselves. Let's still say that there's still a [00:31:20] standard when I miss something. But today doesn't have to be the definition of my [00:31:25] value, my worth. So there's a lot of ties here that go into value and worth.
[00:31:28] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But I guess my [00:31:30] bigger overarching question, which you can't answer because this is sent in, but it's like, you know, when you say [00:31:35] you had a, a, a small discussion about holding high standards and expectations, [00:31:40] um, I would encourage you. Challenge you guys to have a big discussion, a ongoing discussion. [00:31:45] Um, most people have a, uh, a small discussion on a Sunday night, and then they try [00:31:50] something for the rest of the week without talking about it.
[00:31:51] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So I really encourage you guys to have like a good [00:31:55] chunk of time to figure this out, give yourself a three month window, figure it out. It's like. Today just [00:32:00] felt terrible. I I feel a lot of pressure. You're feeling pressure. It's probably because you guys didn't [00:32:05] really talk about the deeper realities of the problems behind why you're not doing X, Y or Z.
[00:32:09] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So [00:32:10] people often aren't disciplined because of fear. trauma, fill in the blanks. [00:32:15] So if we just try and change our behaviors, we'll never actually make any progress. So I'd really [00:32:20] encourage you, uh, obviously I don't know the context of where you are with maybe pornography or [00:32:25] whatever else it might be, but it sounds like there's some deeper roots here that need to be healed as there is for [00:32:30] everybody when we're trying to grow our capacity in an area.
[00:32:32] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So that would be the thing that I would focus on is [00:32:35] like. Why do you want to be excellent in an area? And, and, and is that area even motivating to you [00:32:40] or is it just kind of keeping up with the Joneses? 'cause we all fall into that trap and keeping up with the [00:32:45] Joneses just sucks. It just sucks. So, you know, I got a 3-year-old daughter and a [00:32:50] newborn and I've had to say no to more things because of that.
[00:32:53] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But I've been able to hone in on the things that [00:32:55] really matter. And I, and I feel a lot of dignity, but also feel a lot of compassion. And I, and I feel okay with that.
[00:32:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:33:00] Yeah. I'm so glad you mentioned the keeping up with the Joneses thing, because I did observe that in, [00:33:05] again, we don't have you in front of us, Eric, um, but I did, uh, observe just the [00:33:10] language. Like how do you deal with the stress and anxiety about not being where you want to be? Or who you [00:33:15] know you could be.
[00:33:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and I read a book called The Gap and the Gain by Dan [00:33:20] Sullivan and Benjamin Hardy. And the whole premise of that book, uh, I'll give [00:33:25] you the Coles notes and then I highly recommend you go read it. Is basically we, we tend [00:33:30] to compare ourselves to our future self. Who we want to be. Who we know we could [00:33:35] be.
[00:33:35] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, it always, you're always going to come up short. [00:33:40] You will never find joy comparing yourself to who you could be and what's much [00:33:45] healthier. And this is, this is out of working with thousands of entrepreneurs who are very high achieving and [00:33:50] successful who seemingly, you know, hit all their goals and had everything they wanted.
[00:33:53] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: They were all miserable because [00:33:55] they were looking ahead and comparing themselves to all, but I could be this or I should be doing that or should be at [00:34:00] this level. And so what he had to teach his business owners, his clients to do [00:34:05] is to actually compare themselves to who they were before. And that wound up being a much [00:34:10] joy, more joyful process.
[00:34:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and they, when they looked back and they said, man, you know, [00:34:15] six months ago, here's where I was. Look at where I am now. Not only were they more content with [00:34:20] themselves, but actually it gave them more hope and more optimism for like, well, in another six months, where [00:34:25] could I be? And that's something I would encourage you to do as well is, um, it sounds like you're [00:34:30] probably just a little bit too conscious of, you know, how, how well I could be doing something, where I could be in life.[00:34:35]
[00:34:35] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: You probably need to look back a little bit and I would encourage you to do that intentionally, you [00:34:40] know. What were some highlights in the last year of your life? What are areas that you've grown in? [00:34:45] Um, this is something you can ask the Holy Spirit to do. You could use our journaling methodology. If you want to do that.
[00:34:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: We talked about that [00:34:50] on the podcast. Um, but there's, there's a lot of ways that you can actually reframe this, [00:34:55] um, experience a lot of joy and it's still positively contribute to you achieving more [00:35:00] goals and upholding that excellent standard.
[00:35:02] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Love, love that. That's really [00:35:05] good. There's one other book that I really love by a guy, a guy named John Acuff called Finish. He was [00:35:10] basically like surveying all the books in the self-help category, and, and there's, there was no books [00:35:15] written on the, on the topic of finishing projects. They're all on starting projects and he just, [00:35:20] basically, a lot of the book is laughing at like the mo, the Go-to like motivational [00:35:25] gurus that tell you to like big goals and big dreams.
[00:35:27] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: He is like, I'm telling people to cut their goals in half and [00:35:30] extend it by a month. And they're just, they're just winning, they're, they're experiencing wins and they feel good [00:35:35] about it and they go and they go and do more. So similar to what you're saying, I just, I love, and John Acuff's [00:35:40] really funny too.
[00:35:40] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So a couple of book recommendations there, like a lot of guys I know will recommend [00:35:45] Atomic Habits as a great book and it is a great book, but I don't see a lot of people applying it [00:35:50] fruitfully. So I actually think books like Finish or what you're talking about, Cynthia, has much more helpful merit than a lot of these cool [00:35:55] books like Atomic Habits.
[00:35:56] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Hmm.
[00:35:57] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: that's good.
[00:35:57] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0045: Second question is from [00:36:00] Steve in North North Carolina. I've struggled with porn since I was [00:36:05] 12 and I'm a very young 58 year old now. I've done various programs [00:36:10] over the years such as Setting Captives Free, Conqueror Series, etc. [00:36:15] I've really got serious about wanting freedom in March 2020.
[00:36:18] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0045: I received counseling and read [00:36:20] your book as well as others like Changes That Heal from Dr. Henry Cloud. [00:36:25] I've been mostly sober since March 2020, but still have a few relapses every year. [00:36:30] Months go by between relapses. Sathiya has mentioned before that this [00:36:35] stage is the hardest part of recovery, where one is almost but not quite completely free.[00:36:40]
[00:36:40] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0045: How do you move from this stage to complete freedom?
[00:36:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah, this is a great [00:36:45] question. So, uh, I love this question. Young 58 [00:36:50] really, really good. Obviously put in, uh, you put in your work here, Steve. So this is really cool. [00:36:55] I think, um, I think it'd be, it would be interesting to see where [00:37:00] you were versus where you are now, because you said you're not really struggling a lot anymore since March, [00:37:05] 2020.
[00:37:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So I'm going to guess it was. Probably quite a bit more, uh, before that. So for starters, congratulations on your [00:37:10] progress. Uh, very cool and honored that, uh, you know, our book and some of those things could be a part of, [00:37:15] uh, a part of your success. So the reason that this stage is so difficult where you're just [00:37:20] sleeping, uh, slipping rather every.
[00:37:22] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: couple months or infrequently [00:37:25] is that you don't get a lot of data, like whatever the issues are, they're not presenting themselves very [00:37:30] frequently. And so it requires a lot more vigilance. And I [00:37:35] was thinking of one client, we had one client who was just stuck at the four month cycle. So he [00:37:40] basically went from daily to weekly to monthly to every four months, and he couldn't get past that [00:37:45] barrier.
[00:37:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And the one thing we observed with him is that he, He's [00:37:50] actually like our three pillars that we recommend the recovery journey to follow is building [00:37:55] self awareness, healing of the heart and identity. And what we actually observed is his self [00:38:00] awareness was still pretty low. So when we would ask him, like, well, okay, when you slip every [00:38:05] four months, like what's happening in month three and he's like, Oh, I don't know.
[00:38:09] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: You know, I don't, I'm not [00:38:10] really paying attention. Then it's like, okay, well. You need to, because there's probably some clues there that you're [00:38:15] missing. Um, and it's not going to be obvious. It's going to be very subtle things. But [00:38:20] what happens is it ends up being like a very slow burn that leads to [00:38:25] these, you know, more infrequent relapses.
[00:38:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: The other challenge. That, that can [00:38:30] come up here. And I know that Sean will definitely include this in, in whatever wisdom he's got to offer [00:38:35] here. The, the, the relapses, the slips are always an indicator that [00:38:40] something within is not yet integrated. It's not yet healed. And I think [00:38:45] sometimes people reach the stage where they're like, man, I'm 95 percent of the way there.
[00:38:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I don't [00:38:50] think I really need to go back and do all that work. I should be past that. And sometimes [00:38:55] you think you're 95%, but you're actually only 50 percent of the way there. Not because you [00:39:00] still have years of work to go by, not, not by any stretch of the imagination, but simply [00:39:05] because the one or two things that you are missing are actually so significant.
[00:39:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And it's not always just a little [00:39:10] thing that pushes the needle forward. Sometimes it's actually a very big thing. It's, it's, you know, a piece [00:39:15] of, uh, uh, trauma or a piece of your story. That you haven't addressed yet. You know, sometimes [00:39:20] it's, it's maybe, uh, an accessory habit that's actually fueling some of the dopamine [00:39:25] cycles and the addictive behavior patterns.
[00:39:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So that would be my, my two big [00:39:30] encouragements. Number one is, Hey, you've done really well, uh, clearly you're making some really [00:39:35] good progress here. And you need to start looking at the, the, the, [00:39:40] the months leading up to these relapses to get some better clues. And so. [00:39:45] We recommend that guys are tracking their internal triggers, tracking their external [00:39:50] triggers.
[00:39:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: That's something you should still probably be doing every day because those are going to give you a [00:39:55] lot of clues, even if it's, you know, two or three months leading up to where you [00:40:00] do have a more tempting season. So that would be the first thing. And the second thing I would say is [00:40:05] don't, don't. Ride the coattails of your your success so far [00:40:10] and assume it's a small thing There could actually still be a major thing that that pushes this thing way [00:40:15] over the edge And you don't want to miss it in the name of pride and i'm already [00:40:20] there I shouldn't have to go do something at this point You might still have to and that should [00:40:25] be totally fine.
[00:40:25] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: If on the other side of freedom is, you know better relationship [00:40:30] stepping more into your calling, your potential, confidence, all the stuff that you're after in this [00:40:35] journey. So those would be my two big things.
[00:40:37] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. Great to hear about the [00:40:40] sobriety, really exciting. You know, struggling since you were 12, getting serious [00:40:45] in 2020, and then also having sobriety in 2020. There's, there's some, something special about that. That's [00:40:50] not that common. That's a long time of addiction and a very short [00:40:55] time that you were actually in some recovery to get those sorts of results.
[00:40:58] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So of course there's [00:41:00] more. And I love what Cynthia is saying. Like, don't think that it's been a long time. Like [00:41:05] you were addicted for, I don't know how many years, but let's just say. 40 [00:41:10] give yourself even four to five years to be healed. It's really cool [00:41:15] to think that God can do a work like that. So a few things that come to my mind, I don't know [00:41:20] the counseling that you went through.
[00:41:21] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: It's awesome that you did that. I don't, I don't know anything about it, but they don't conquer [00:41:25] series usually programs like that. Um, a lot of information. There is good application, [00:41:30] but usually they're facilitated groups. They're not going to be from an expert. So [00:41:35] you're going to lack the depth to get into trauma and roots and all of that.
[00:41:38] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So that's something to keep in [00:41:40] mind. They also do have a purity focus rather than a deep, their holistic healing [00:41:45] focus. Um, not going to speak for every program by any means, but I was co leading pure desire for a season. [00:41:50] So it's going to be around that and, and, and learn, um, you know, Dr. Henry cloud, great stuff when it comes to [00:41:55] boundaries, you know, the book is called Changes That Heal.
[00:41:57] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Um, probably going to be more focused on changes [00:42:00] like behavioral changes rather than deep root healing. So just keeping in mind some of the things that you [00:42:05] have gone through, maybe what you read, read in the last relapse was kind of the profoundly, okay, there's [00:42:10] some, there's some roots here. And, and that's obviously what we need to look at.
[00:42:13] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: What Sophia is [00:42:15] saying is incredibly valuable. Learning to grow in awareness earlier. Um, there was something that [00:42:20] Jay Stringer, one of my favorite authors and guys in this industry wrote the book unwanted. He [00:42:25] talks about when somebody has lingering sexual struggles, when [00:42:30] they are in a season that they would think you would think they'd be experiencing freedom.
[00:42:33] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: There's usually kind of three [00:42:35] ties that come to come to fruition that need to be explored. First one is the family system and [00:42:40] dysfunction. There's rigid and disengaged. Second one is, um, [00:42:45] sexual shame. Or just shame in general around core belief system or your story. [00:42:50] And then the last one, which is quite shocking to a lot of people, is sexual abuse.
[00:42:54] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Um, [00:42:55] sexual abuse can very, very often get covered up. And I've worked with lots of guys who [00:43:00] have, you know, like, so they're sober for four months, or six months, or eight months. [00:43:05] And there's a part of their story that they've just never actually uncovered, either out of ignorance, because they don't know [00:43:10] about it, because it happened when they were very young, or out of fear that that's the You know, what if they [00:43:15] face that?
[00:43:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: What would happen? So not saying that's your case, but those three streams that Jay Stringer talks about are [00:43:20] fundamental. So exploring the family system, the shame or the potential [00:43:25] abuse. Um, we all fall into one, two or three of those in our lives. We just naturally [00:43:30] do. So might just be some deeper root that hasn't been explored, or there [00:43:35] might be some inner child healing that you need to do to learn to.
[00:43:38] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Reparent the inner child [00:43:40] so that you can be equipped to live that out when those things arise. So that's what comes to my mind there. [00:43:45] Steve.
[00:43:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. And the sexual abuse thing's important because [00:43:50] sexual abuse isn't always just, it's not always being molested or that kind of stuff. There's [00:43:55] actually very subtle forms of sexual abuse that play into our stories. They play into our sexual [00:44:00] development and certainly, you know, the sexual experiences we have as adults.
[00:44:04] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And we did an, [00:44:05] uh, an interview with Doug Carpenter. He, he's phenomenal in this area. Yeah. Yeah. [00:44:10] He's a legend. So you might want to go check that out as well. If that's, if that's striking a chord, uh, [00:44:15] because. If, if that is at play, he'll, he'll give you some good insights into [00:44:20] Hawaii and what you can do about it.
[00:44:21] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So, um, so yeah, but hey, you're killing it, man. Um, [00:44:25] like keep, keep up the really good work and, um, and like Sean said, you know, you're [00:44:30] entering, you're about to hit four years, I guess, since you started this recovery journey very seriously. [00:44:35] after struggling for, you know, four and a half, almost five decades. So you're right on track.
[00:44:39] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:44:40] And, uh, it, it should just be a couple, a couple tweaks here or there. You might need to try a couple of [00:44:45] different things to see what happens and, uh, report back to us. We want to hear about your progress too. Once, uh, once you [00:44:50] hit that full place of freedom.
[00:44:51] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Totally.
[00:44:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Great. Well, Hey guys, thanks so much [00:44:55] for listening again.
[00:44:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: If you like this segment, you like the format we're doing here. Make [00:45:00] sure that you share it. Uh, make sure that you are leaving ratings and reviews. And if you got a [00:45:05] question yourself and you want to be coached here online, like I said, as long as we keep get the questions [00:45:10] coming in. We will continue to do this and we'll eventually invite you guys to join us and do some live coaching.
[00:45:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: It's [00:45:15] going to be a blast. I hope we get to be a part of it with you guys. So make sure you submit your [00:45:20] questions. In the meantime, God bless you guys. Have a great day. [00:45:25] [00:45:30] [00:45:35] [00:45:40] [00:45:45] [00:45:50] [00:45:55] [00:46:00] [00:46:05] [00:46:10] [00:46:15] [00:46:20] [00:46:25] [00:46:30] [00:46:35] [00:46:40] [00:46:45]