Ep - 777
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[00:00:00] So here's the million dollar question. How are men like us who work hard, have good motives and a God given purpose, supposed to fulfill the calling on our lives and the dreams in our hearts, all while establishing sexual integrity, thriving relationships and a meaningful connection with God. That is the question.
And this podcast will give you the answers. My name is Sathya Sam. Welcome to Unleash The Man Within.
Hey, what's up everybody. It's Sathya Sam here. Welcome to Unleash The Man Within. Thank you so much for listening. Super glad you're here. It's a Q and a episode today. And so, uh, we're really excited to tackle some questions. You almost call this like the Europe edition. Um, cause I think most of our questions today are coming from Europe.
Uh, but they're relevant no matter where you live. I know we have listeners around the world. You're gonna get a lot of value and it's fitting that we do a Europe, uh, version, you know, our producer, Oscar is from Sweden, Sean, you're in the Czech Republic, [00:01:00] so really it just makes sense. Just makes sense, yup, I, I think it's a perfect fit, we're gonna answer some Euro questions, and um, Europe's an interesting place with sexuality, so maybe there'll be some neat questions.
I think it'll be good. Uh, we were having a nice conversation about your vision before we hit record here as well. So, you know, I feel like we're just nicely primed to have a good year of conversation. That's right. It'd be fun. Um, okay. Before we jump in. So it's interesting, actually, now that we're on the Europe thing, I guess I might as well go here.
When I launched my book, The Last Relapse in 2022, I had a chance to go to Europe and promote it. And so we were in, you know, six or seven countries and had a lot of fun. And my wife and I were very intentional about enjoying the trip and not just promoting the book because we knew that was probably the last time we'd get to do that before we started a family and whatever, whatever.
So it was a lot of fun. But, um, Sean, something you said about the hypersexuality [00:02:00] of Europe was really interesting because I really got exposed to it there and granted, most of the people that are coming to my events and stuff are not of that bend, you know, most for the most part, they want to walk in holiness and purity.
But the interesting thing is it, it almost felt like Europe was 10 or 20 years, maybe ahead of where we are here in North America. Uh, Cause in North America, there's kind of this rebellion against traditional sexuality, and we're seeing some extremes right now. I I'm of the personal conviction, just knowing what I know about human history and behavioral psychology, that things will probably taper off a little bit.
But in Europe, what I observed is that the attitude attitudes towards sexuality are just very apathetic. You know, it's kind of like, it is what it is and we have sex and it's just another thing that we do in life and whatever. Um, and I feel like that kind of lethargy is, is going to start to seep into North American culture.
Cause I think, I think it's a bit exhausting right now. What's going [00:03:00] on with sexuality. Everybody's trying to prove their point and trying to, you know, bend from the norms and show that they can do things differently. And that just gets cumbersome after a while. So I think eventually we're going to be in more where Europe is, where it's like very, it's just very neutral, you know, and sex is just sex and whatever.
Um, but what's your experience been like in, in check? And you were, obviously we've had lots of European clients, myself included, and I know you as well. What do you think that's pretty accurate or, or is it maybe a little bit different than what I'm saying? Yes. So, um, I'm trying to learn more about history.
So from what I gather, the Puritans left Europe, came over to North America. The Puritans were like very much, um, you know, with where you have purity culture from. It's like the body is bad. Sex is bad and very extreme message. Understandably not. Um, they weren't wanted in Europe. Um, but the problem I see with Europe, I'm, you know, I'm going to speak for Czech is that there's, uh, there, there's a, uh, Openness with the body that there's not a lot of respect for it.
[00:04:00] So it's like, Oh, like, you know, the, the, the Christian culture has created so much shame around the body. And I think they're right in many ways. And it's not good, but their way of opposing that is to just make, there's zero shame, the body, you know, you can go to the beach naked, you know, kids don't wear clothes at the beach until either whatever, 10, 11, um, you know, we live in this, this country is full of misogyny.
You know, it's, it's, uh, you know, one of the biggest porn genres is Czech, Czech Republic. And it's like the track record of what you guys are doing is awful. And it's, it's, it's just really sad. Like I hear stories of how Helena grew up with men and they'll just walk up to you and basically. You know, tell you like, Hey, like I'm gonna have sex with you and they'll like, you know, they'll like manhandle you and like, that's, uh, obviously that happens all over the world, but this country specifically is just intensified misogyny and, you know, like women have the standard that is like, Yeah.
Like Proverbs 31 in a sexual version [00:05:00] and like women just have no freedom just to be, uh, it's just a really interesting place. And I've had, you know, like conflicts with one of one of his sisters about how she thinks it's like totally normal that like her daughters would go into the sauna and there'd be naked men and naked people there.
And like, do you see the, like the other side of that? Like. You don't know who that person is. We live in a world of child molestation, pedophiles, and you're just going to openly let your seven year old daughters be in the sauna with naked men. And it's just like, they're naked. It's just very odd to me that there's no thinking about, I understand if people go ahead and do that in a safe environment, sure.
Like the body's beautiful, but it's also sacred. And I don't think there's a sacredness to the body out here. That's well said. Yeah, it's really well said. I've been reading, um, I've been stuck in first Corinthians three in my scripture reading and really meditating on that scripture about how, um, you know, God inhabits the [00:06:00] temple, um, and we are that temple, you know, and really thinking about really thinking about it in like a, you know, recovery context, a fitness context, there's a lot of implications there.
But I, um, I feel like that's what I'm witnessing here in North America a little bit is that degradation of the human body. Um, and even I would say the degradation of sexuality, you know, um, and kind of, I guess the staple that's holding those two concepts together is the degradation of identity. Like my, my wife's cousin, she's in university now, but I think when she was in high school in her last year, one of the questions she had to write on the intake form for this high school.
Was like, how do you identify, you know, like male, female or other. So she checked other, and then there was a line and she put pickle, like, she just wanted to see like what they would do. She was just being cheeky. Um, and I, which I thought was hilarious and no questions, [00:07:00] no questions, nothing. It was like, Oh, if you identify as a pickle, then, you know, you're allowed to be a pickle.
So it's like kind of nonsense that we're in right now. Um, but it all, it all really does come from like that, that degradation and that, that. Low value for, yeah, the human body, human sexuality, all of it. Um, it, it's kind of wild. And I think the, the interesting challenge that you and I have as coaches in this space is, is, yeah, is the rebellion against, you know, traditional and conservative concepts around sex and the body and whatever.
Um, which that, that leads to a whole slew of like really bad solutions, right? Like you have like every man's battle, which is all about just kind of white knuckling it and toughing it out, balancing the eyes. It's all these stupid little kind of hacks and gimmicks. Um, and I do actually respect, like, there are, there are messages I've seen from Steven Arterburn, who's the author of that book, uh, that I think are healthy.
I think his message has actually gone a lot better over [00:08:00] the years. Um, so I don't want to throw too much shade in the wrong direction here. The interesting thing now, though, is in, in the societies where it's like a hyper sexual, it's, you know, very liberal, very open and progressive. Is then there's, it's not that there's bad solutions is that there's no perception of problems to begin with.
So very interesting dynamics, you know, the people that come to us, they acknowledge there's a problem and they're trying to get help with it. So, you know, very grateful to be working with the people that we work with. Yeah, but uh, yeah, there's a whole nother contingent out there who are like, there's no, there's no problem.
Like there's no need for a solution because the problem doesn't exist. And that's really dangerous. Yeah. Yeah. I've, I've, I've said this for a few years now, and it just kind of came to me as I was exploring scripture more deeply. And if we are Christians who believe in a God who is the God of creation, then to say that something you struggle with today didn't start somewhere.
Is like an argument [00:09:00] against God. If you think about it, like if we were God of creation, everything has a start. And if you're trying to disprove the fact that your struggle has a start, is your one way you're in one way, you know, one step away from disproving God's the creator. Oh, I never really thought about that.
Wow, we're getting philosophical. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah, that's really true. I think it's important that we realize that everything has to have a beginning. It just simply does. And I think that's really amazing that we know that for creation and for our struggles, because it gives us hope that there's answers.
Yeah. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, it is true. What do you say? Like, I get asked this question quite a bit. Um, I'm curious what your response would be like, what would you say to somebody, I'm sure you'd encounter somebody in the check who's like, Sean, you're a porn addiction coach. Like, what are you talking about?
Porn is great. You know, porn is, porn is beautiful. It's people expressing their bodies or maybe, maybe they're not even that, um, intelligible about it. Maybe it's just. Dude, what's the big deal with [00:10:00] porn? You know, porn is just, everyone watches porn. Who cares? Um, how, how do you bring someone's awareness to the problems?
Yeah. Yeah. I haven't actually encountered that in Czech yet. Probably mainly cause all I'm running into is mostly Christian English speaking Czech people, but, uh, my, the guy who did my translation for my driving test, uh, Um, from what I could gather, not a Christian, not saying that was a bad thing. He's not a bad guy, but just didn't give off any signs.
And especially when I opened up about my own story and myself. But when I told him I work with guys with pornography addiction, um, he was started to open up about some struggles he's had in his family. He's like, I think he was in his fifties and just some conflict he's had with one of his daughters.
Daughters and grandchildren. He's like, maybe I should call you for some help about some of that kind of stuff. I was like, I wasn't expecting that. So, so not answering your question, but the thing that I like to tell people, cause usually that's going to be the perspective from somebody who's a non Christian a lot of times, just historically people have pigeonholed like addiction to pornography as a religious problem.
And I don't think [00:11:00] people are really that aware of how so much secular science is proving what it's doing to deteriorate the brain. Keep people from their fullest potential. It's affecting their sex drive, sex life. The fact that you are in bondage to sex is not like you can't say you like something when you're in bondage to it.
The only way you can actually enjoy something is when you freely choose it. Try that for a month and let me know how it goes. You know, like we actually can open up this can of worms to help them see that. You know, secular science is proving this and bondage is not joy. I really actually want you to experience joy.
I think it's in Jesus. You might not believe that. I still think you could get to a place of a better joy than you have now. What would that look like? Yeah, yeah, it's really good. The, it's funny, the, the physical side effects of it is an interesting angle because more people are being affected by it now.
Yeah. So I remember three or four years ago, even that angle is not very productive because people were like, [00:12:00] eh, you know, it never happened to me. And now everyone's like, Oh yeah, that happened to me. I've had that experience. You know, I've had premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, infertility.
Now there's a study showing that porn use and infertility are related eating disorders. Like it really does erode the body in so many ways. So, um, yeah, it's kind of interesting. I've podcasts lately, so it's been Interesting exploring this angle a little bit and just seeing like, yeah, yeah. I think a lot of people are dealing with issues with their body that they don't even realize.
Go back to pornography. So yeah, absolutely. Sexuality in general, right? Like Helena hired a weight loss coach when we were looking to get pregnant. And, you know, Helena is a very fit person. She's always been a very fit person. And she hired a weight loss coach to help her with her mindset towards the idea of gaining weight while being pregnant.
It was just this deep fear she had from the shame message [00:13:00] from the upbringing in Czech culture. And it was profound for her. And you really realize that so much of like our sexuality is tied to our body image. So much of guys I work with, this was my struggle. Like on the days that I didn't watch porn, I ate like crap, you know, it was like the substitution, right?
Cause there's a similar feeling. You, you anticipate it, do it. You then feel sick after you binge for a day or two, then you repeat, cause you don't know what the root problem is. And food and porn have a lot of similarities. And they both boil down to the shame we feel about ourselves. Yeah. It's yeah. It's so funny.
You mentioned that. I just interviewed, um, Sal DeStefano from mind pump. Who's a big, Fitness podcast. Yeah. And, um, great, great guy and very knowledgeable. And we were talking after, well, we talked about it during the interview, but my comments to him afterwards was, you know, the way you guys help people with fitness problems is actually not that different than how we help people with, um, addiction and granted [00:14:00] there are differences, they're not the exact same.
But there's just so many similarities to how we, how we handle diets, exercise, you know, the, the study about porn use and eating disorders, the linking piece there was body dysmorphia, which is something you hear about a lot more in a fitness context. You know, people overdo it. They exercise too much. They can't go a day without, you know, destroying their body at the gym, quote unquote.
Um, and it's all from this kind of dysmorphic view of their physical body. Um, and sometimes more than that. And so it's just, um, it's just, it's just interesting. Like you just cannot, you cannot, we can't escape our bodies, right? God gave us these bodies for a reason. You can't run away from them. And these issues manifest.
Yeah. The, the, the eating issues is something I've witnessed a lot in my own life. And I, I feel like every day I get a little bit better. But those, those core issues that are in our hearts, they will, they will manifest in multiple ways, not just porn [00:15:00] consumption. Yep. Yeah. I've been having conversations with guys for a few years now.
When I, when I started to really realize a lot of guys that would watch porn and masturbate separately, they would expect to quit both at the same time when they go through a coaching of some sort, um, but they become two different coping mechanisms when they've been separated. So quitting porn becomes the focus.
They have no problem with that, but then they're not applying the same healing methods to masturbation. And then it lingers maybe once a week, once a month. And it's like, not only is it a separate coping mechanism, but your penis is attached to your body. Like you're not getting rid of that thing. You know, like you can get rid of porn, but you're not going to get rid of your penis.
I've heard some crazy stories of people like putting a, like a, like a locking chain on their penis. So they can't touch it. I've literally heard stories like that where people are, it's crazy stuff. I've heard. To be abstinent. So, um, you don't need to do that. If we follow deep root healing steps and let Jesus into our pain.
Um, but [00:16:00] yeah, it's really important that we consider that our, our body is sacred and beautiful, and it's a gift that we can have an erection and all these things. But when we've learned shame around those things, we fear an erection. We wake up with one and we're like, I don't know what to do with it. It's like, yeah, you don't really need to do anything with it, except be grateful that you can get one.
But shame and lies keep us from that. That's wild. It's probably worth mentioning because we dropped the M word, which now it's going to bring up all kinds of different opinions about whether masturbation is something you need to quit. The, the study with, uh, that was showing when men watch pornography.
They're more likely to experience. Infertility is really, really fascinating. And I won't get into all the details here. I already did a solo cast about it a while back when I first stumbled upon it. But there, there were three qualities that all these men had in common. The men who basically demonstrate infertility from watching porn.
And it was, they, they, uh, were exposed at a young age. So I think it was 12 or, or [00:17:00] younger. Uh, they were high frequency viewers and the, the study's definition of high frequency was twice a week. Um, so it was like, okay, well, yeah. Um, and then the, the third qualifier was that they coupled porn and masturbation together.
So it's interesting to see research coming out that kind of demonstrates even the link between those two behaviors. Cause I think people try to separate them and people do separate them. Like you're saying, like there are, we've had tons of clients who come to us who are like, Hey, I actually was successfully able to quit porn.
But I'm still masturbating pretty regularly and I can't stop that. So people will separate them, but the roots and like you're saying, the tools and the solutions are all generally the same, but these two things are really linked and it was just interesting to see that when people, um, were only watching pornography, the impact on infertility wasn't the same as when they did both right.
Or, or vice versa. Like [00:18:00] I, I actually, I actually, I shouldn't. I don't know if that's exactly how they, um, how they reach that conclusion. I I'm forgetting that specific detail of the study, but the point is, you know, masturbation really does have an effect on the body as well. And like you said, that's actually the behavior that has more to do with the body because it doesn't happen without the body where it was actually porn does.
You know, you could literally be. Paralyzed from the neck down, you could still watch pornography and enjoy it. So anyways, just, just interesting. Yeah. Yeah. I haven't, uh, done like super deep dives, but I know I've looked at enough, but even like the, the type of ejaculation when masturbating is totally different than when having sex and, and, and I don't know exactly, remember what it said in detail, but when you do that for prolonged periods, it, it does something to your body that's not good.
I can't remember what it is, but I know it's not great for your body. Yeah, well, I had, um, I had like a, he's like a pretty well respected figure, uh, reach out to me just privately and he was like, Hey, I'm going [00:19:00] through something. He actually messaged me on Instagram and he's like, Hey, you know, I don't have a team here, but I have something private to ask you about what's your phone number.
So we were texting and basically, you know, he wasn't lasting very long with his wife and he, all the only way he knew how to last longer was to masturbate. So he was trying to use masturbation to program himself to last longer. If that makes sense. And there, there are like, if you go on the internet, not that I've done a deep dive on it, but there are like, there's even Reddit threads about this, right, how to masturbate a certain way so that you, you know, program your body to last longer and whatever.
Um, and I, I don't, I, I really was, I tried to be really intentional with him of like, Hey, however long you last is however long you last. There's nothing really too much to worry about. If it's really quick, like, you know, there's probably, you probably need to see a therapist or something like that. But when we got into the details, I was like, Oh dude, you know, there's actually, there was a study, this is older now, but like the average duration of [00:20:00] sex is like it was five minutes and 44 seconds.
So when I told him that he was like, what? He's like, dude, I'm crushing it. I had no idea, you know, like all this, all of a sudden, like his perspective is a bit different. Um, but yeah, that, that trap is very common. And I had, I had done a very, uh, a very strong post about masturbation. That's, that's what actually prompted him to reach out.
Cause he was like, Oh, I never really thought about this before. Um, but I, I think, um, I think it's actually really common that people, people find themselves coping in like these sort of pseudo solutions that they think aren't so bad or whatever, when in reality, actually, yeah, they, they can be major problems.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That perspective shift when we're so used to watching these crazy videos online. Yeah, that's, yeah, I was, yeah, I actually told him that in the response, I was like, dude, this is called porn brain. Yeah. Porn brain tells you that you need to last 25 minutes. You need to do seven different [00:21:00] positions.
It's got to end a certain way, you know, all that kind of stuff. And it's like, Yeah. None of that, none of that stuff is, is actually real. That's just not what happens in real life. So, yeah, kind of interesting. Um, I wanted to say something. Oh yeah. And the cool thing was he reached back out to me like two months later and he's like, man, I'm just enjoying sex so much more and literally nothing changed, you know, like as far as the actual experience itself, he just was able to deconstruct some of those Porn brain thoughts and yeah, it made a huge difference.
Yeah. So great. Yeah. It's vulnerability to ask someone who knows and taking it to heart. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. So yeah, good for him for doing that. And yeah, I'm sure there's another lesson there about vulnerability. We'll have to jump into that. But yeah, yeah, it was good. Yeah. Cool. Let's answer some questions.
Oscar, you ready for us, man? Let's do it. All right. Europe version. Let's go. This question is from Jojo's. He is from [00:22:00] UK and he's, his question is how do I master myself and avoid falling back to destructive habits? Okay. Yeah, that's a good question. How do I master myself and avoid falling back? So when you have bad habits, um, the common response is to stop the bad habit or, you know, replace it with a better one.
So obviously for the scope of our work and this podcast, you know, you have a bad habit with pornography, masturbation or whatever it might be. And you're trying to avoid it. So what a lot of people do when they first start is they install the internet filter because the logic tells you that if you're watching it on the device, um, you know, let's call it your phone.
Cause 91 percent of porn viewers are on their phone. So you're watching on your phone, you install the filter so that anytime you try to download that app, you try to go to that website in the browser, it blocks it and [00:23:00] logically that makes sense. Right. Or, you know, somebody tells you, Hey, every time that you feel tempted.
Just go for a run instead, you know, or, or go eat a healthy snack, you know, or do something, replace it with something that's better. So, um, so then what people naturally conclude is I need the logical solution. I need to master myself or, uh, the language that typically people use is I need more discipline.
I need more willpower. Uh, or maybe I even need more self control, which is, you know, if you're going to use one of those terms, you might as well use one. That's biblical. Um, well, discipline is biblical as well, but self control is the fruit of the spirit. Uh, but what I would say to all of this, uh, Georgios, again, it's a really good question is we actually want to find out why the habit is there in the first place.
That's what's really going to give us the most insight. Into what an effective solution will be for you. Uh, when you say, how do I master myself? This sounds like a, how do I get more disciplined and more control? And you know, how do [00:24:00] you know, how do I make sure I always do the right thing when these things come up?
What we actually want to find out is why are these things coming up in the first place? And yes, a little bit more work is required to do something like that. Uh, there's a little bit more efforts and you may even maybe need somebody to help you or you don't need to guide. Um, there's lots of ways that you can, you know, get that kind of help.
But I would say until you're asking a better question, you're probably not going to get an effective solution. So what I would love to see you start asking is. Why am I returning to this destructive habit? Why does it exist in the first place? And me maybe even diving in a little bit to the origins of it.
You know, when did it start and how did it develop? Because often the way these bad habits develop gives us a lot of clues into why it's persisting and maybe what a solution would look like to actually get rid of it long term. Yeah. Yeah. And then on top of that, I would say that we want to understand how dopamine works.
I know that's a huge topic, uh, for, for everybody in the world of recovery [00:25:00] or neurobiology today, Instagram trigger words, but in terms of dopamine, you know, dopamine gets released when we anticipate something, there's a really cool opportunity to begin to anticipate what's The better option, the better habit, the thing that we want or need.
And, you know, a lot of the guys I talk to, it's like, man, I really want to journal more. I know it's a great thing to do, but I'm just not really doing it much. I'm choosing to go on YouTube or I'm choosing to go on Instagram instead. And I usually have a conversation around, okay, well, journaling means nothing.
If you don't understand what it's going to give you, why it matters and like, what's the point? So I helped them learn to anticipate what journaling is going to get them. So, for me, it's like, I get to take 10 minutes a day to become a healthy, regulated man to be a healthier, better husband, father and coach.
That's amazing. I'm gonna like, I mean, I wake up excited to journal, so I would really encourage you to start to, you know, strategically learn about dopamine in a way of how do you, [00:26:00] you know, and maybe master that side, the side of things you want to master is like understanding the body, understanding the brain, understanding things like dopamine.
So you begin to let it work for you. You're anticipating something negative. You're going to get dopamine, but why not anticipate something better? Like, yeah. You know, you want to master yourself. You say you want to have better habits. I think such a great thing to do is just letting ourselves anticipate the joy of.
This is going to be better. I'm going to anticipate that happening. And then we, you know, we get dopamine. We start to think about the more beautiful things, but I think that's better done after was that he is saying, but it's such a great tool. That's transformed so many of my habits over the last six, seven years is to have an outcome focused mindset.
It's not running. It's man. When I run, I feel like, uh, an exhilaration goes through my body. I come home feeling like a million bucks and I just, I just have so much more energy. It's just, it takes the focus off the, off the task and it puts it on the outcome. And I think that's just really fun. [00:27:00] Yeah. Yeah. I totally agree.
I think it's a good angle. Um, you know, the other, like the other thing, um, with, uh, I'm thinking of Atomic Habits by James Clear, which again, like for what we're talking about, there's, there's some relevance and, and some of it, maybe not so much, but the one thing that I've always, and I actually haven't read the book, um, but I've, I've heard people talk about, I've heard him talk about it as well.
Yeah. The consistency in small things really goes a long way. And so what Sean is talking about is really powerful. And I think when you, when you start small and you kind of build on it, that's, that's the way you want to look at it. You know, it's, uh, Georgia, it says here, you're, you're a pretty young guy.
And so, um, you know, we mentioned this on another episode, but you can really, um, like have the longterm perspective that when it comes to mastering yourself or having good habits. You're trying to actually build a skill set here. This is not just about having a good habit. It's actually about building the skill of developing good habits.
And if you know how to do that within [00:28:00] yourself, then it means when you go further on in life and you enter a professional career, or you go further in your career, or you want to be a better husband at home or a better father to your kids, or, you know, you want to learn a musical instrument. You know, it could be something that's even maybe just a little bit more along those lines.
That ability to cultivate good habits and understand how to do that. And especially in a way that works for you. That's invaluable. Those people are the ones who go and change the world and make this world a better place. So there's no reason you can't do that. But again, I think, um, I think the, the, the things you're focusing on probably need to shift a little bit there for you to do that.
So hopefully that helps. This question is from Giovanni is from Milan, Italy. I have some traumas that drives me to think and believe that I'm a less of a man. I watch a well hung man to fill the gap. How do I deal with disbelief? Okay, got it. So yeah, this is a great question. Um, for starters, I'm sorry about those traumas because obviously they were very significant if they've impacted you that way.
[00:29:00] And, you know, Sean and I were talking a little bit earlier just about some of the programming that can come from damaging sexual experiences about how we view our body. And we're obviously talking about porn use, but in this case, you know, some traumas, probably some sexual abuse or something along those lines.
So, um, the, this is also, this is, I think I want to point this out here. Cause in one of the other episodes we did, we were talking about how often the content we watch and the things we fantasize about are actually over compensations for areas where we believe we're deficient or, you know, an unmet emotional need, whatever it might be.
And this is a very good example where. You know, Giovanni, for you, the content you're watching is actually sort of, uh, the inverse of the belief or, you know, the conclusion you drew from your experience. Uh, the, the obvious solution here is this is not about dealing with the belief. This is about dealing with the trauma.
Um, and, The very common experience with those who have experienced, you know, [00:30:00] sexual abuse or some kind of trauma that has, that has allowed them to believe something bad about themselves is people, people like this will dive deep into self help and personal development, and they'll focus on. Better thinking, better habits, you know, better belief systems.
And obviously if you listen to us, we see the value of that. There's huge value for addressing the belief systems. But if you're trying to do that, meanwhile, you're not really talking about the trauma, you're not addressing the trauma. You're not going through what happened. You're not giving yourself a chance to integrate that experience again, very, very difficult to actually be successful in changing your belief patterns or your thinking patterns.
So that's why, you know, even in our recovery process, we, the second pillar, sort of the turning point for our clients is where they actually undergo the transformation of the heart, where they're addressing the traumas. They're dealing with the things that have really impacted them a little bit more head on.
And to me, that sounds like that's, what's missing here. Is, um, some actual [00:31:00] trauma work that is really going to allow you to experience a lot more peace in your heart. Um, and naturally it'll start to become a lot easier to deal with some of those belief systems. So that would be my main recommendation is you got to get after the trauma and there's lots of ways to do that.
But I think without, without proper trauma therapy, you're probably going to catch yourself in cycles here. Yeah, and one of the things that I work with guys in inner child, where trauma therapy is the concept of separating what was from what is, and it's this idea of pinpointing that trauma and the child learning about the boy, what did he feel?
What did he believe? What did he experience? What did he need? What did he want? And then from all of that data, you begin to know how to lead that part of you in. You know, in the ways of thinking in the gospel, in truth, and that's such a valuable step. That idea of leading our inner [00:32:00] child as if it's a, uh, like our, as if it's literally our child, you know, if our child went through something traumatic, you imagine how you would talk to him.
It says that you're single. Um, but you could imagine, um, if you choose to have kids one day, if your son ran to you in, in agony, cause something traumatic just happened. Think about how you would want to. Empathize with him and speak to him and lead him in love and care and compassion. That's really important is separating what happened from what is true today.
And then the second thing that's really valuable in doing that is this concept I call defying and dismantling. So defying a lie, we do that with the word of God. We can have pure defiance to lies through what is purely true. And Hey man, you can find. Hundreds of scriptures that will prove that lie wrong, but the second part is just important.
Just as important is dismantling the lie because what the enemy does, he takes one bad thing and makes it feel like 10 and he [00:33:00] takes 10 good things. It makes it feel like one. And what we want to do is we want to go over our life and find evidence. And hey, there might not be a ton. I've always shocked how much there actually is with guys, but go through your life and say, where has there been evidence where People have seen me as, you know, who I am, where I've been treated with care.
I haven't been treated less than. I've been a friend to other people. They've cared about me. They liked me. It's amazing how there's so much proof in our life that says you're not less than a man. You're a man created by God who's been, you know, a lot of people have loved you and cared about you and see you and want you in their life.
And what a great way to dismantle the lie of the enemy with, Hey, that's one thing that's happened, but here's a hundred great things that have happened. Yeah. Yeah, it's really good. I think without that kind of, um, deeper work and proper work. I don't, I just don't think you're going to get where you want to go Giovanni.
And, uh, and again, uh, it says here that you're single. Um, so I think Sean was hitting on that. You know, if you want to be in a relationship one day. [00:34:00] Uh, yeah, that some of this deeper work is gonna go a long way. Um, there is a resources I'll, I'll recommend we don't always do this, but, um, but I did, I did write a book called The Last Relapse, and we do give it away for free so it doesn't cost anything to get your hands on it.
Um, and so there, we'll put a link in the show notes to that. Um, but it's just the last relapse book.com. Um, and that that could help you as well, at least just get started on the journey if you don't have any other resources. Next question is from Pablo in Malaga, Spain. I struggle with finding a vision as mentioned in your book and course.
I believe porn has killed much of my capability to dream about what I can accomplish. What practical way would you say I can recover that, as I still struggle mentally with images that I have persisted in my head over the years? Yeah, so one of the things that I talk about in my book, just to give a little bit of context, is When you're pursuing a goal like recovery, you know, which can be a very daunting journey, having a vision of [00:35:00] what life looks like on the other side is really valuable.
And so sometimes what happens is, you know, a guy will read this content or we go a little bit deeper on this in the program and the course, and you know, they just get stuck. They just say, I don't have any dreams. I don't have any visions, you know, I've never really thought I could amount to much or. Porn has just eaten away so much at my hope for the future that I got nothing left.
So here's the thing we want. What we want to remember is porn will always try to steal something from you, whether it's your innocence, whether it's your well being, um, or in this case, uh, sometimes it's, you know, your ability to dream and to just be excited about the future. Which is something that we're all biologically, let alone spiritually wired to do.
Uh, there's always things that we're meant to be looking forward to. So the way you want to see this is, it's not that porn reduces your capability. It's that porn actually just tries to block it. Um, and what I find to be [00:36:00] the most helpful is to actually just ask better questions. So instead of saying, you know, what's my vision for my life?
What am I dreaming about? Let's ask something more specific. Like if, um, if you had no, uh, limitations in the world, you know, money wasn't an issue, traveling, wasn't an issue, your family could come with you or whatever, what would you do? Where would you go? Um, you know, another question that I would love to ask you, you know, if we were doing this live, you know, Um, I'd be asking you, you know, um, when you quit pornography, what are the three biggest changes that are going to happen in your life?
You know, and guys will say things like, Oh, I have more energy back. You know, my marriage would be better, uh, be more productive at work. And that's like, okay, awesome. What would it look like for you to be more productive? Well, I probably get a promotion. Um, you know, and you can start to kind of follow these trails.
What would it look like for your marriage to be healthier? Uh, maybe it means you and your wife are going on dates. And again, when you, when you're constructing a vision, you know, our clients actually put a vision board together, [00:37:00] you're, you're really, it doesn't have to be big monumental accomplishments that everybody's going to applaud, it could be simple things, you know, like, um, I'm trying to think of one on my vision board.
I actually have a picture of my grandpa holding me as a child on my vision board, because I would love to be the kind of grandpa that has the same impact on his family. That my grandpa has for me and for mine. And so there's nothing like super, you know, like I'm not bragging to the world about having my grandpa, a picture of my grandpa, my vision board, but it means something to me and it continues to point me towards the future that I'm trying to build.
So similarly for you, you know, don't stress it. But I would say if you're having a hard time dreaming, those are some questions you can ask yourself to sort of get around those mental hurdles. I can still relate to this because the idea of dreaming for me has been really hard for a long time, or at least it was.
Um, part of my story was I was in, uh, the Amway business, which for me, there was some [00:38:00] good things about it, but at the end of the day, they didn't Tell you to dream big and what, like 0. 111 percent of people get successful. So you basically create all these vision boards and dream boards for seven years.
You sleep two hours a night and you never get anything. So you can imagine a lot of hurt behind the idea of dreaming. It just, it just felt too scary to dream again. It felt too painful to dream again. So that was a very obvious part of my story with the idea of like having a vision or dream being hard.
But I actually like. Went deeper in my own life and I realized my parents didn't dream. They never taught me to dream. They never were role models of dreaming. They didn't have any resiliency or perseverance to push through things. So absolutely like pornography can, can. Atrophy the parts of the brain that help us do these things or lies and beliefs can form that keep us from those things.
But I was also really like a part of my attachment style, my anxious attachment style, just [00:39:00] made my life more about like, what if this and what if that? So there's a lot to be said about how trauma can play a role in our inability to dream or see past what's happening right now. A lot of it's fear. And what really happens is we, we eliminate what is called God room.
We. At the end of the day don't actually trust God To bring to fruition the dreams he has for our life. You know, what I learned in the Amway business was what do I want? What do I want? What do I want? And that was the biggest problem with the idea of a vision or a dream is it was always wrong. And when I really started to ask God, what, what does he have for my life that I can dream about?
It began to get me excited again. So I've gone through a lot to get to where I'm at today. I live in the Czech Republic now, which actually was a dream of mine. As a teenager to live in Europe one day and. Marry a European woman. So I don't, I don't know how, how much God's in that or not. I assume he is, but, um, you know, it's just really neat to see now that I'm here.
It's like, wow. Like I was thinking about that a long time. What can I dream [00:40:00] about now that I'm here? And I dream about 10 years from now, speaking the language, making an impact in this, this community. country that's 1 percent evangelical Christians and being a part of a reformation. I would never be able to do that before.
Cause it was always about me. That idea has nothing to do with me. And that's, what's so exciting about it. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Um, and you, you just triggered one other thought that I'll mention here real quick, uh, Pablo, which is you can lean on others for this as well. Uh, like I remember a season in my life where I had.
Kind of become frustrated being a pastor. I sort of felt like doing something entrepreneurial. I wasn't really sure about it. Um, and out of that came deep clean, but in the middle of that sort of struggle, I actually, I was reading a book or a blog. Somebody who said, you know, reach out to people around you and ask them what they think you're good at and what they feel like you could be doing or what they could see you doing one day.
You know, if things went well for you and your career, that was more of the focus. [00:41:00] And so for you, I would ask the same, you know, like, uh, it says here that you're married. I'm sure you have some close friends or some people that have been alongside you for many years. Ask them, you know, Hey, what, what strengths do you see in me?
And, you know, uh, if you, if I, if you think everything went perfect for me in my life and I made the right decisions and I walked in integrity and money wasn't a limitation, what do you think I would be doing with my life? And you may be surprised at just how well these people know you. I was so, I was shocked.
I was totally shocked by the responses that I got from my friends. It really uplifted my spirits. And, uh, truthfully, it, it really helped me, um, start deep clean, you know, and, and now we've gone on to change a lot of people's lives. And I feel like I'm doing the things that God made me to do. So it's, uh, you just never know how those things could work out as well.
So look, if you enjoyed today's episode, make sure that you share it. Uh, and please leave your ratings and reviews on our platform as well. That really helps us get the word out and signals to other people that their lives could be changed here as well. In the meantime, God bless you guys. Thank you so much for listening.
Have [00:42:00] an amazing day. We'll talk soon. Hey everybody. It's the Thea again. Thanks for listening to unleash the man within. I wanted to take a quick moment to let you know about a free ebook that I wrote for you, which Called The Ultimate Guide to Porn Recovery. It provides a basic framework for the recovery process, and a few of my top tips completely free of charge.
You can get it now at www.ultimaterecoveryguide.com. That's www.ultimaterecoveryguide.com. Now, if you've been impacted by the podcast and you wanna show some support in less than 60 seconds, there are three ways you can do that. First, you can leave a rating or review on your podcast platform. This lets people like you know that the content here is valuable.
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If you're seeking daily encouragement, guidance, and insight in your recovery journey, I highly recommend subscribing to unleash the man within. Thanks for listening. I look forward to connecting with you very, very soon. The information, opinions, and recommendations presented in this podcast by Sathya Sam and his guests are for general information only and should
