782 - How to Mend Relationships Damaged by Pornography (1)-1
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[00:00:00] Hey, what's up my man? It's Athea Sam here. Welcome to Unleash the Man Within. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you're having a fantastic day and I'm really excited to dive into today's content. We're talking about how to mend relationships that have been damaged by pornography. Uh, look, this is a big subject and I think anybody who's struggled with pornography has probably also struggled with, With a relationship.
And so we're gonna get into all of that. Um, really quickly before I forget, we are receiving questions for our next [00:01:00] round of Q and a. I hope you've been enjoying those episodes we've been doing so far. We have had the time of our lives answering your questions, and we are getting ready to actually answer some of your questions live.
We're gonna invite you on. Uh, we're gonna do some coaching with you. And so if you're looking for some help, don't worry. There's lots of ways for you to protect your identity and we'll make sure it's nice and safe for you. But if that's something you want to get involved in, you want to be a part of that.
There's a link in the show notes for you to submit your questions. Please do so. We'll reach out. We'll let you know if we're going to answer your question. And if you want to be a part of it live, then you're going to get a chance to do that. So very exciting. We're really looking forward to doing that.
Please submit your questions. That really helps us get the ball rolling. initiative. Um, okay, let's jump into today's content. We're talking about how to mend a broken relationship. So before we, we kind of get into the solution part of it, we sort of have to understand why the problem exists in the first place.
So there's a myriad of reasons and I won't be able to detail [00:02:00] all of them here, but I think in the scope of a conversation about relationships, here's what you and I really need to understand. Number one, is an intimacy disorder. Okay. Porn addiction is an intimacy disorder. In other words, if your desire and your need for intimacy was perfectly met through the other people in your lives and your relationship with God, you would not watch pornography.
I believe that with all of my heart. I really do believe that intimacy is the primary reason that you and I turn to things like pornography. Okay. That's the first thing. Number two, the relationships we have in our lives are not just impacted by relational things. Okay. Let me give you an example. So there's some studies that would suggest that men who view pornography are less capable of expressing empathy.
Okay, they're less capable of expressing empathy. So [00:03:00] if you as a man are in a committed relationship with a woman and you are not capable of expressing the kind of empathy that maybe a typical man would, that's going to affect your emotional connection. And because it affects your emotional connection, it affects your relationship.
Okay. That's an example of something that is relational, but let me give you a different example. Let's say that you are a man struggling with pornography. And because of your struggle with pornography, you're not as productive at work. Okay. And because you're not as productive at work, you're not getting as many opportunities.
And your financial means aren't increasing or your skill set is not improving. And as a result, you are settling for mediocrity in a bunch of areas of your life. Well, guess what? That mediocrity starts to trickle into your relationship. And now it's, it's not a direct thing. It's indirect. It's just that the person that you're becoming by pornography.
is showing up in that same relationship and showing up poorly as a result. And that's going to affect the relationship quality. These are like examples of [00:04:00] you showing up. But the most obvious thing that we haven't discussed yet is that of course, your partner is going to feel totally betrayed when she finds out that you've been choosing these women online over her.
Okay. And this causes all kinds of destruction relationships. We've had guys come to us, uh, where it's like their engagement is about to be called off or in some cases the engagement. has been called off because they're struggling with pornography. Uh, we've had guys who have been caught watching porn and their wife is ready to leave.
Sometimes the wife has already left. We have had clients who have been divorced three times over their addiction with pornography. And sometimes, uh, you know, all the divorces are because of the pornography. Sometimes maybe it's just one or two. It depends. But the point is we know that pornography basically becomes a, a, um, competitor.
It's a competitor for your partner and your partner in their committed relationship with you does not want to be competing. They want to know that they're the only person you care about, and this is the most obvious reason why relationships get broken by pornography. Now, [00:05:00] We have to understand all of this so that we understand how to mend a broken relationship.
The best thing you can do, the best gift you can give any relationship. Now we've talked primarily about romantic relationships, but whether we're talking about friendships or your relationship with family or even work relationships, the best thing you can do is learn to have meaningful connections with other people.
Okay. Sounds so obvious. It sounds almost like I'm just kind of like, Repeating the same words and being super redundant. But let's go back to that research that shows people who watch pornography have reduced capacity for empathy. Okay. If you work on yourself, all right, and you learn to express empathy, to be an empathetic person, to express your own emotions in a way that fosters empathy in return.
Okay. So you kind of have this bi directional thing going on. If you can grow and improve in this area, well, what's going to happen? You are going to start showing up differently in your relationship and your relationship is going to get healthier. Now, what happens when your relationship gets healthier?
Well, remember [00:06:00] what we said at the beginning, that porn addiction is an intimacy disorder, which means if you're showing up meaningfully to your relationships and you're getting intimate experiences, not just physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and otherwise. Your intimacy tank gets full and it stays more full.
And when that tank stays full, you are less likely to engage in cheap fast food intimacy like pornography. So what we actually want to be focused on if we really want to mend broken relationships is we want to build skills that foster meaningful connection. Okay, that's the first thing. The second thing is you have to understand that when a relationship is broken, what we are really saying is that there is A lack of trust that is almost always, uh, at the surface of it.
And you know, that that's true, honestly, if you got caught and it's true, if, you know, maybe, um, you have some, some terrible medical condition and that drove you to pornography either way, [00:07:00] there's a trust factor here. And so the second thing that we want to do is no, we do not want to prove that we are, that we are trustworthy.
No, we don't want to try to course and manipulate somebody to trust us again. Instead, we want to focus on being trustworthy to ourselves. See, if, if you are not trusted by others, that is the leading indicator that you do not trust yourself. People who trust themselves are trusted well by the people around them.
So the second thing that you want to do, if you have a broken relationship that needs mending is you need to learn. Yourself. That means if you make a promise or commitment to yourself, you better follow through on it because you cannot afford to make promises and commitments that you can't keep to yourself because if you can't keep them to yourself, you're not going to keep them for other people either.
So that's the second thing. This. So the first thing is that we want to we want to sharpen our skills. for empathy or for relationships in general. So it [00:08:00] might be something else other than empathy, but that's usually the leader. Number two is that we want to learn to trust ourselves. We want to build that trust within ourselves because if we can trust ourselves, then other people can trust us. And the third thing to mend a broken relationship is to pray for it.
I know, probably not the answer. You probably wanted something really practical. But here's the one thing that I know. You know, we had a client one time, and basically his wife came home one day and said, You know what? I think I'm actually a lesbian. I don't want to be with you. And she moved out and she moved in with this new girl that she started a relationship with.
Okay. Now for 18 months, this man prayed for her every single day. And every once in a while, she had to come by to the house and grab something. And every time she did, he treated her with love and respect. And with grace, he didn't, he didn't even push and say like, Hey, can you please come back? Nothing like that.
He was just honored her request. He was respectful as could be. And one day she was hours [00:09:00] away. She was going for a drive. Her car broke down and she called him. He got the call. He went and he helped her. And when she drove home, uh, when they drove home and he was, he was dropping her off at her house, she said, you know what?
I think I'm ready to come home. And she came home and they got back together. Now this guy in the meantime, he actually did the first two things that we were talking about. You know, he became a trustworthy person. He sharpened his skills for empathy. But the third thing that he was doing every single day is he was praying.
And there are some days where he thought it was never going to happen, but he prayed anyways. And there are some days he was full of faith. But the point is he prayed and God did incredible things through his life as a result and he quit pornography and he got his relationship back. And look, that story doesn't always happen.
I can't promise that outcome, but what I can promise is that when you pray, God will listen and things will happen. And the way they happen, God gets a say in that. And so we can't always control the outcome, but pray, pray like your life depends on it. Pray like this relationship depends on it because in many ways.
It does. So look, that's everything for today, guys. [00:10:00] Thank you so much for listening. Uh, and again, um, if you're looking for some extra help, make sure you get your hands on my book, the last relapse, make sure that you're sharing this podcast. And of course, if you want to get some live coaching, make sure you submit your questions.
That's everything for today, guys. Take care. Bye bye. [00:11:00]