Ep 761 - Q&A w Sathiya, Shawn, & Oskar
===
[00:00:00] Sathiya Sam: [00:00:05] [00:00:10] [00:00:15] [00:00:20] [00:00:25] [00:00:30] All right. Well, Hey, what's up,
[00:00:30] Sathiya Sam: everybody? It's Sathiya Sam here.
[00:00:32] Shawn Bonneteau: I'm here with Sean Bonateau. Welcome to Unleash Man [00:00:35] Within. We're so glad that you guys are here tuning in today. Uh, Sean and I are [00:00:40] going to get into it a little bit and then we're going to answer your guys questions.
[00:00:44] Shawn Bonneteau: Super excited to [00:00:45] jump in. Um, Sean and I are, are, before we hit [00:00:50] record, we were talking a little bit about the, the difference between. Counting streaks [00:00:55] and tracking trends and how big of a difference this can make in recovery. I would say this can be make or [00:01:00] break. And so I will just say if you're in recovery, you need to stop counting [00:01:05] streaks.
[00:01:05] Shawn Bonneteau: That's just end the nonsense right now. Uh, nobody cares about your streak [00:01:10] and there's, there's better, there's better ways you can still track data, [00:01:15] um, without counting streaks, but you can actually track it in a way that's going to be way more [00:01:20] valuable. And way more helpful for you in your recovery.
[00:01:23] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. [00:01:25] Yeah. It's a big topic. There's lots of programs out there and systems out there that [00:01:30] really promote it. And I think you and I are just time and time again, seeing that the. [00:01:35] Results aren't lasting guys might have that hype three, six months of sobriety, maybe even [00:01:40] a year, but it sucks when guys are investing that kind of time and energy and they're finding hope [00:01:45] in something that it crumbles.
[00:01:46] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So it's a passionate topic for me too.
[00:01:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:01:50] Yeah. Yeah. The, the counting streaks thing is sort of like [00:01:55] the yo yo dieting of the fitness industry. We've talked about that [00:02:00] before, where you see these amazing transformations of somebody who's lost 50 [00:02:05] pounds, they've lost a hundred pounds. And that is impressive. Like even somebody who does have a [00:02:10] streak, like, we don't want to, we don't want to dismiss the work and the energy that was required [00:02:15] to reach that point that is actually worth celebrating.
[00:02:18] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: However, [00:02:20] where are you at a year from now, two years from now, are you keeping the weight off? Is the streak still [00:02:25] alive? And I think what happens in, in this, actually, it's very true of yo [00:02:30] yo dieting, it's a great metaphor. If your goal is to lose a hundred pounds and you were, [00:02:35] you're 200 pounds overweight, um, You can do a lot of different things.
[00:02:39] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: You can [00:02:40] run, you can starve yourself. Um, you could overexercise. You can, [00:02:45] you could do so many things that are actually really bad for you and you'll still get the result [00:02:50] and in recovery, when street counting is your priority and you're trying to hit that 90 day mark, or you're trying to hit that [00:02:55] six month mark, um, when that becomes the goal, you can actually, like humans are [00:03:00] incredibly resilient and we can put our nose to the ground and do something for three months.[00:03:05]
[00:03:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: It doesn't mean that we're transformed, right? It doesn't mean that we're actually healthy or whole. And I think that's the whole [00:03:10] issue with the streak counting thing. And that's why I say nobody cares about your streak. Because what we're actually [00:03:15] much more concerned with is your heart. Is your heart actually progressing?
[00:03:18] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Are you being transformed, [00:03:20] made into the likeness of Christ? Are you, are you progressing? You know, and we'd [00:03:25] rather measure that internally first than externally.
[00:03:28] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, yeah, man, we [00:03:30] have a beautiful new friend here in check. And she has the [00:03:35] last few years, like, got down to the point with anorexia that she should have died. And we [00:03:40] just kind of looked at her like when we were here, seven, eight months ago, and she's progressively been getting better. [00:03:45] But when we first met her.
[00:03:47] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Just like a month ago, I think it was one and I were saying, [00:03:50] there's a lot of people that actually look like that when [00:03:55] you think they're healthy and they're dieting and their fitness is going on off the roof, but you realize that they're [00:04:00] starving themselves and they're not healthy. Like we actually give accolades to people [00:04:05] that are not well,
[00:04:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: yeah,
[00:04:08] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: it's
[00:04:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: yeah, exactly. [00:04:10] Yeah. It's kind of the society we're in. Right. That's so externally driven that that's [00:04:15] been going on for a long time. Like the, with the American dream and you know, all that kind of stuff, but [00:04:20] now social media makes it brutal. I know my wife and I have some conversations about that sometimes.
[00:04:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Cause she's [00:04:25] like, man, I don't know how some of these moms do it. And I'm like, actually, they may not be doing it. You know, they're doing it for [00:04:30] 60 seconds in a reel.
[00:04:31] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: that's
[00:04:31] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: uh, you know, I, I wouldn't be beating yourself up about it [00:04:35] too badly. Um, But, but yeah, the, but the external [00:04:40] measures are, they do have their place, you know, like I'm a high achiever.
[00:04:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: So I. Love the [00:04:45] external measures and I love the accomplishments and I'm, I'm all, I'm actually all about it. It's just, [00:04:50] I don't, I never want to be the guy who just has the accomplishment. And then a [00:04:55] year later they're like, Oh yeah, but you know, he lost it all or he put back all the weight on [00:05:00] or yeah, but he relapsed again, you know, it's that longevity.
[00:05:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: That's as kingdom as [00:05:05] it gets right is, is affecting change longterm. Um, cause we're playing, we're [00:05:10] playing an eternal game here. So. Jesus is the, the long game master, you know, like [00:05:15] they, they got this thing all figured out and anything that lasts longer is going to be more valuable. [00:05:20] So maybe we'll get into the nuts and bolts a little bit just so that people understand what we mean.
[00:05:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:05:25] Um, and we had a client, this is the best, it's the best way I can think to demonstrate this. We had a client who came to us, [00:05:30] he was watching pornography every day, so he's having 30 relapses [00:05:35] per month. In his first month with us, that number went from 30 to [00:05:40] 23. Ooh, 23 relapses in one month. You know, uh, people would be asking for [00:05:45] refunds at that point.
[00:05:46] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: You know, this guy, this, the, the guy doesn't know what he's talking about. It's a scam. Like, [00:05:50] you know, because that's not, that's not a sexy result. That's like you went only [00:05:55] seven days in a month without watching pornography, and those, they weren't even seven consecutive days. [00:06:00] But if we're tracking trends, what we could actually see is, hey.
[00:06:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: This is going in the right [00:06:05] direction. It's going from 30 to 23, and we're not trying to justify sin. We're not trying to enable his bad [00:06:10] behavior, but we're trying to say, actually, this is a good indicator of progress and [00:06:15] there's still work to be done, but we can celebrate what's going on here, even though maybe it wasn't the best [00:06:20] month, um, his second month with us, the number went down to 18.
[00:06:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Third month went down to [00:06:25] eight. Month four was five and by month six, he was at zero. So [00:06:30] this guy, and I actually remember he posted in the community in month [00:06:35] four. And, and so what was so cool is, um, in month four, [00:06:40] he had five slips. So he didn't wait to post until everything was perfectly figured out. [00:06:45] And I just thought that was so, so amazing.
[00:06:47] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: I was like, this guy gets it. This guy really, really gets [00:06:50] it. But he was like, Hey guys, just want to share an update on my progress. And he showed like month one, two, three, [00:06:55] four. And he kind of showed how he's been going along the way. And we all, it was all very [00:07:00] clear. If you went from 30 to 23 to 18 to eight to five, [00:07:05] like what is going to happen eventually,
[00:07:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So if that trend continues in the [00:07:10] right right direction by month 6, 8, 12 It's going to be [00:07:15] 0 0 0 0 0 0 and the the really cool thing about tracking trends is number [00:07:20] one It reframes everything because that's, that's everything.
[00:07:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Like if you can't [00:07:25] keep hope going and if you can't keep yourself encouraged through this process, you're just not going to make it [00:07:30] through. Like the temptations just get too strong. It's, it's a really difficult addiction to quit that [00:07:35] way. So having a way to track your progress that actually fosters encouragement is [00:07:40] really valuable.
[00:07:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: The second thing is. He didn't actually really look at [00:07:45] his his results from a monthly perspective Until he was at month three or month [00:07:50] four and we constantly told him Don't worry too much about the numbers. Like if you [00:07:55] want to do your calculation every once in a while, that's fine But let's focus on the inner child work.
[00:07:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Let's [00:08:00] focus on healing of the heart building emotional fitness Let's focus on cultivating that self [00:08:05] awareness Uh, let's talk about your identity. Let's build that relationship with jesus get you plugged in your community [00:08:10] like There's lots of different things that we're taking care of here that are much more inner.
[00:08:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And [00:08:15] then we know this is kind of like a lag measure. Like as a result, that number starts to [00:08:20] dwindle. So I just think the, the street counting gets you very zoomed in on, on a kind of a [00:08:25] microscopic part of the journey, whereas tracking trends really keeps perspective. So it's [00:08:30] actually more accurate anyway, but number two, it's also much more likely to [00:08:35] foster those
[00:08:36] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That's exciting. It's not just a concept, but some [00:08:40] great evidence. We've seen that time and time again. And that's what's so valuable about it, [00:08:45] where we see the evidence of counting streaks, just proving to not be that long lasting [00:08:50] freedom we want guys to have. And counting trends, I think, is something that maybe people haven't really [00:08:55] thought of that concept is common with investments and money, but looking at it with [00:09:00] recovery, what a what a great opportunity for somebody to uh, to To really have hope through the [00:09:05] journey.
[00:09:05] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And I even think about like, you know, I track, I think I've journaled like [00:09:10] 180 days in a row and like, you know, that would be a streak, but it's been interesting [00:09:15] because I don't count the days where I get like so sick. I think I've been a few times where I've been so sick. I've been sleeping all day. [00:09:20] It's not like that day ends.
[00:09:22] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I didn't journal. I'm like, Oh, everything's falling apart. It's [00:09:25] like. It's become such a habit where I'm praying in a way of journaling. I'm [00:09:30] talking to my wife as if I'm journaling the daily habit of journaling. I'm, [00:09:35] there's been just profound things that happen three, four times a week because of that habit.
[00:09:39] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But [00:09:40] if we're just counting streaks, it's like, yeah, I journaled, let's get to tomorrow that that's just [00:09:45] never going to be a useful thing to do. So I think counting trends, [00:09:50] tracking trends, fantastic. And yeah, I get guys often saying that that concept [00:09:55] has been just that paradigm shift that they needed.
[00:09:57] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah, yeah agreed man agreed [00:10:00] now speaking of fitness we were talking about kind of a health metaphor earlier you're looking fit, bro Are you [00:10:05] what are you doing these days? You're looking really good
[00:10:07] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: two kids, man, holding one [00:10:10] baby, lifting a three year old.
[00:10:11] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah, you just like doing isometrics all day, [00:10:15] right
[00:10:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Oh, man. Yeah, I was doing, uh, I was just really simply [00:10:20] doing, uh, 50 to 70 pushups a day for a while there. Then I did get sick and [00:10:25] hurt my wrist for a little bit there, but it's amazing how something so simple, even looking at [00:10:30] this, like the, the reality of just simple things built up. Um. [00:10:35] I was like, I think I did, I think I did 50 pushups every day for like 30 days straight.
[00:10:39] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And I was [00:10:40] blown away at how, how that had results. And it was cool because it began [00:10:45] to not just, it wasn't just this thing I was doing. I like, we always know we begin to feel different. I would [00:10:50] deep breathe when I was putting pushups, I would, I would, you know, journal about it and know like what, what God's [00:10:55] speaking to me as I'm doing fitness and things like that.
[00:10:56] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So it just became very holistic. And that's been, that's just [00:11:00] been such a incredible thing for me, man. Like,
[00:11:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Wow
[00:11:03] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Small, simple things [00:11:05] like 50 pushups a day or whatever it is. And in this challenging season, like that's, [00:11:10] what's gotten me through. So there's been those trends in my own life too, man, though. Yeah.
[00:11:14] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Thanks. [00:11:15] Thanks for the compliment, man. I'll take it.
[00:11:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah good for you. That's cool. Okay, so 50 push ups. [00:11:20] Are you doing that all in one go? Are you spreading it out throughout the day? Okay. Two
[00:11:24] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That would usually [00:11:25] be a two sets. Yeah. Yeah.
[00:11:28] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: man. [00:11:30] It, I was, I was just reading. There's a, there's a guy, um, he's like a very, a very [00:11:35] famous bodybuilder. Somebody was telling me about it and I was looking at some of his stuff and he had like one of the [00:11:40] first, I, I should see if I can pull it up, but he had like one of the first E books as a [00:11:45] lead magnet, um, like back in like 96 or 97.[00:11:50]
[00:11:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So this thing's got like ugly colors and all that kind of stuff. But like he was kind of a marketing [00:11:55] genius. He was just way ahead of his time before funnels and lead magnets and all that kind of stuff. [00:12:00] But anyway, he talked about how, uh, he had kind of like reached this peak [00:12:05] in. You know, uh, sculpting his physique and physical [00:12:10] fitness and whatever.
[00:12:10] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And the one thing he did is he, he'd pick, you'd pick an exercise and he would [00:12:15] do it every hour, 12 times a day. Um, and like just one set. [00:12:20] So like, not even like, you're not trying to exhaust the muscles or anything. Um, but I just thought it was, [00:12:25] it is kind of interesting about. You know, just about like just doing a little bit, a lot of a little [00:12:30] bit and how much like, as it compounds over time, what that can lead to.
[00:12:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So anyway, you should keep up what [00:12:35] you're doing with the pushups, man. You look good.
[00:12:36] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Thanks, man. Yeah. We're getting into wood cutting [00:12:40] season. So that always gives me the, the big Hulk shoulders. So that's good.
[00:12:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:12:45] What, wood cutting season? What are you talking
[00:12:46] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. I don't know if you remember last year when I, or last time when [00:12:50] we moved here, it was like wood cutting season where our, uh, my, my wife's dad gets the big [00:12:55] logs brought into our, the wood Our land and then I just, I just hack at them.
[00:12:58] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So we [00:13:00] basically take full on like trees and turn them into, um, burnable wood. [00:13:05] So it's a awesome workout. It's very rewarding. So that season's coming out. [00:13:10] Helena was just telling me this morning. Yeah. You know, it's getting good enough outside to start cutting some wood. I'm like, yeah, I need, [00:13:15] I need that.
[00:13:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That's perfect.
[00:13:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: That's so funny. Oh man. Well, so a bunch of [00:13:20] people on our team, uh, all went to the same ministry school as me and they, [00:13:25] they have this thing called anger day. So they do this big talk about anger and. [00:13:30] It's funny because this school ends up with a lot of people like me who are very suppressed. [00:13:35] Um, and especially amongst Christians, anger is one of those emotions that you're kind of expected to just [00:13:40] like keep at bay.
[00:13:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Uh, which is, you know, not even really biblical. Like it says that God is rich in love [00:13:45] and slow to anger. So, you know, we definitely don't want to be, uh, You know, short fuses, but [00:13:50] there's room for anger. So anyways, part of anger day is giving people, uh, it can be a little bit [00:13:55] intense, but like basically giving people an open space to express their anger.
[00:13:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And there's [00:14:00] like kind of loud music so that if people do yell and shout, they don't stand out and whatever. Like it's kind of an [00:14:05] intense environment and it does not work for everybody. Like, uh, some people were just like, this is like [00:14:10] traumatizing for me. Like everybody's mad and I need to get out of here.
[00:14:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So. It wasn't, it's not the best thing in the [00:14:15] world, but there's, there's some merit to at least giving people an avenue to express anger. Um, [00:14:20] so I was just, as you were talking, as you're talking about, I'm like, man, that would be, that would be [00:14:25] a cool way to get your anger out. Cause that's like, that's actually productive, but then [00:14:30] it's physical.
[00:14:30] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And I just feel like, you know, for, for a dude that's, we need that kind of stuff, you know?
[00:14:34] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:14:35] Yep. Yeah. My, uh, I was a very angry child. So one of my dreams [00:14:40] was to have a room that was just like a nonstop stock of like glass. I could just go in and [00:14:45] smash.
[00:14:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Oh my gosh.
[00:14:47] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I literally like dreamt of having a glass room, but I [00:14:50] could just smash things. So that's changed. That's good. Um, it changed when I saw the [00:14:55] drums, the drums became my outlet of anger.
[00:14:57] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: you go. It's a little bit healthier.
[00:14:58] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: need, we need [00:15:00] something. And then I made some holes in my family's walls at home and stuff, but it was better [00:15:05] than breaking glass all the time. So,
[00:15:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: That's hilarious. Are you, uh, [00:15:10] are you, yeah, oh, seriously, yeah. Are you playing drums at your church? Have you
[00:15:14] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Now that [00:15:15] I have my driver's license, it's now available. So we're just getting out of the [00:15:20] newborn season and finding those rhythms, but I'm, but I'm itching to, to drum hopefully the next two months or so. It'd [00:15:25] be nice to get back to it.
[00:15:26] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Oh, that's cool, man. That's cool. Does your church live stream? I feel like I might, [00:15:30] I might tune in and see.
[00:15:31] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That's a good question, man. I, I will figure [00:15:35] that out. Cause my parents would love to see it too, of course.
[00:15:37] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. Oh, for sure.
[00:15:38] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: we're going to dedicate [00:15:40] Lydia soon. So that'll be obviously, so we want to figure out all those live streaming things. So [00:15:45] absolutely.
[00:15:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: There you go. So do you have a kit at home? Like are you still practicing every once in a while or
[00:15:49] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I [00:15:50] don't, it's been a while, man. My hope is that I can actually get a drum kit as my background here.
[00:15:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:15:55] Oh, that'd be cool. Yeah, there you
[00:15:56] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That'd be pretty cool. No, I really want one. So all in good time, [00:16:00] as you know, when you got newborn, the priority shift a bit, but with my [00:16:05] limited language in check, it'll be a nice way for me to speak to people through music. So I am [00:16:10] excited about that. Yeah,
[00:16:11] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: yeah, man, I'm missing my keyboard right now because I've been I've been in Jamaica [00:16:15] for 10 weeks. I think this is week 10 and Yeah, you know, my brother in law has a [00:16:20] guitar here. So I at least have some little outlet because I'm that guy like I will [00:16:25] Sit down and I'll put Seinfeld on TV and then I'll like do scales while I watch Seinfeld like [00:16:30] I'm that guy and
[00:16:32] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: da dum! Ha
[00:16:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah, there you go, yeah, I work on the [00:16:35] bass line, yeah, yeah seriously, so it's it's uh, so anyways [00:16:40] I always have at least some kind of musical outlet here And I'm so fidgety, I'm such a [00:16:45] fidgety person that I think part of the reason it just helps me get my fidget energy out, it drives my wife [00:16:50] crazy.
[00:16:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Cause we'll be like, we'll be like cuddling and I'm just like, you know, like tapping my fingers on her or [00:16:55] something like that and she's like, what are you doing? She's like, it ruins the moment. So anyways, It gives me those [00:17:00] outlets, but I miss, I miss the keyboard. I just, I miss my piano. So I'm excited to go back and, [00:17:05] and play a little bit.
[00:17:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And I, for those of you who are keyboard players, I own a Nord. So I call it a keyboard, but I feel [00:17:10] like it's misleading, but it's also, it's not quite a piano. So, you know, I don't know. I miss my Nord, I'll put it that [00:17:15] way.
[00:17:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: funny, man. Sounds like we both have a bit of Kramer in us, man. A little fidgety.
[00:17:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:17:20] I know, I think I have more Kramer in me than I'd care to admit.
[00:17:24] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:17:25] Uh, best show ever. Ha ha ha.
[00:17:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I was, I was getting into it with someone [00:17:30] the other day. Cause, um, I Seinfeld is actually my favorite show of all time. Like I [00:17:35] have, I'm a big sitcom guy. And there's a lot, there's been lots of good sitcoms over the years, but [00:17:40] I don't know, I can just, I can go to Seinfeld and pretty much any day and watch it, but I love [00:17:45] how polarizing it is.
[00:17:46] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Like, I remember hearing, um, I think it was Lecrae. I was hearing [00:17:50] Lecrae in an interview one time and he was like, he was basically talking about how, because of his [00:17:55] upbringing and obviously black culture. Um, he's, he's gotten a lot of [00:18:00] opportunities globally, which means he's not always going into more black environments and he's like, he's like, sometimes [00:18:05] I'm just talking with white pastors and I just don't know what to say.
[00:18:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Cause you know, he's like, I'm just not going to be that [00:18:10] guy who watches Seinfeld. Like, I just don't get it. And I remember hearing that. I'm like, what, how do you not get [00:18:15] Seinfeld? That show is genius, man. But it's like, you know, there's, there's such a cultural piece to it. [00:18:20] And it, you know, the humor is a little bit, it's a bit off kilter.
[00:18:22] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I'll, I'll give you that.
[00:18:23] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. No doubt. [00:18:25] Yeah. I definitely had a season where I did not watch Seinfeld. I felt pretty convicted not to. [00:18:30] And uh, just recently we started kind of handpicking which episodes we might watch again.
[00:18:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:18:35] yeah, yeah, I know it, and again, like if you look at the sitcoms that come [00:18:40] out today, Seinfeld is actually pretty good, they're pretty
[00:18:42] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:18:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: one of the, their, their most [00:18:45] viral episode, I think was the contest, right, which is all about masturbation, but they don't actually say it, [00:18:50] um, it was, which, you know, there was, there was some brilliance there, but I kind of, I, I like the [00:18:55] tact of it, like you have to be careful, obviously, because sometimes the implications are darker [00:19:00] than they're coming across, but, They were, they were really tactful about it.
[00:19:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I appreciated that.
[00:19:04] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:19:05] Yeah, I agree completely. Yeah. I, uh, it was definitely a part of my [00:19:10] childhood. So it's hard to get rid of it because it's always there. [00:19:15] Yeah.
[00:19:17] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I am, I'm actually completely off [00:19:20] sitcoms right now. I'm not watching any TV shows. I came back from this last business mastermind [00:19:25] retreat with a conviction. Like, I don't even watch that much TV. Like maybe, maybe. [00:19:30] Three or four hours a week, not, not a lot.
[00:19:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and that would include [00:19:35] like a movie with my wife in there and all that kind of stuff, but I came back just realizing, like, I, [00:19:40] I think I'm actually watching TV for the wrong reasons. Like, I think I'm numbing out a little bit when I watch it. [00:19:45] And I really don't like that. So I'm, I'm actually, so anyways, we, I probably shouldn't have even gotten a Seinfeld cause I'm going to be [00:19:50] thinking about it all day now, but, uh, but yeah, but it's, uh, it's actually been, it's been kind of interesting [00:19:55] going without TV.
[00:19:55] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: I'll have to get into it in another episode. Maybe.
[00:19:57] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I'd love to talk more about that, man.
[00:19:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. Yeah. [00:20:00] Sorry. Not without TV, but with less. Yeah.
[00:20:02] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah.
[00:20:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Cool. All right. [00:20:05] Oscar, lead us into the promised land, bro.
[00:20:06] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0044: Question one is from Tim in Lakeland. [00:20:10] Can you discuss living for Christ in a sexless marriage? How do you stay [00:20:15] pure when sex in marriage is not possible for a variety of reasons?
[00:20:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. [00:20:20] So this is a very. very common scenario, way more [00:20:25] common than people realize. Um, and especially in Christian environments. So just to [00:20:30] contextualize this a little bit, you know, Christians get told in youth groups, don't [00:20:35] have sex until you're married and on that wedding night, it's going to be so worth it and it'll be [00:20:40] amazing.
[00:20:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And sex is a skill. So even that whole thing is a total misnomer. Like [00:20:45] when you first have sex, it's not actually, it's, it's great because it's sex, [00:20:50] it can't, it can't be bad. Um, as my worship pastor, my old worship pastor famously said, he said, sex [00:20:55] is like pizza, even if it's bad, it's still pizza. Um, so there, [00:21:00] there's some, there's some good wisdom there.
[00:21:01] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, but the point is, you know, we kind of get promised that. [00:21:05] Once you get married, you have sex and it's, it's so great, you know, and it's so amazing, [00:21:10] um, and that doesn't always happen. And sometimes it doesn't happen because, [00:21:15] um, you know, maybe it's painful for the woman. Maybe there's different [00:21:20] expectations.
[00:21:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and then sometimes what happens is you would just end up in a sexist marriage [00:21:25] because, um, maybe the other person doesn't enjoy it. It's theirs. There's tension in the relationship. There's [00:21:30] trauma, uh, very, very common story. In fact, I have a friend of mine who's, uh, kind [00:21:35] of on the, on the tail end of going through the divorce process.
[00:21:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And, um, you know, it kind [00:21:40] of surfaced that part of what he was going through is they've been married for almost a decade [00:21:45] and they had sex less than 10 times, you know, that entire decade, um, just in a sexless [00:21:50] marriage. So, um. So I think there's a lot of, there's can be a lot of head trash that [00:21:55] sort of comes with this.
[00:21:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Uh, but the bottom line is we know God designed sex for marriage. And [00:22:00] so if you're in a sexless marriage, that, that is a problem and it needs to be addressed. [00:22:05] Um, and I think the, the The ultimate question here is how to stay pure when sex in a marriage is not [00:22:10] possible because we get asked that a lot, right?
[00:22:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: By clients who are like, well, [00:22:15] I watch pornography because my wife's not given me anything and I have these needs and whatever. [00:22:20] Um, and so I'll, I'll leave some of that part. Maybe Sean, you can touch on that, [00:22:25] but I I'll just say. I think the most important thing if you're in a sexless [00:22:30] marriage is to keep hope and, um, and I think that's the, that's a really [00:22:35] difficult thing when you keep trying, um, and the thing that guys do that they, where they [00:22:40] shoot themselves in the foot is they keep trying the same.
[00:22:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So, um, it's like, [00:22:45] well, you know, I, I offered here and I gave her a back rub and I thought maybe that would help. And, you [00:22:50] know, nothing happened. Um, you have to kind of play a very slow game here. Um, [00:22:55] and what I mean by that is you have to really learn to connect. Emotionally, you have to [00:23:00] learn to do other things that are non sexual that can lead to a better sex life.
[00:23:04] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:23:05] Um, and that's, that's typically where we would start. And this is kind of assuming that everything's good [00:23:10] on her side, which, you know, the one friend that I referenced earlier, um, and this is again very common, but [00:23:15] you do often see that, um, sometimes the woman does have abuse [00:23:20] or she has some sort of trauma around sex that is contributing.
[00:23:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And if that's the case, [00:23:25] it's actually all the more reason for you to, Be nurturing to [00:23:30] build that emotional connection to really be compassionate with her, um, goes a [00:23:35] long way. Um, I, I, I will just make a stance and then I will pass [00:23:40] it over. There is no justification for sexual [00:23:45] misbehavior, pornography and whatever else, even if you're in a sexless marriage.
[00:23:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And I know how [00:23:50] unfair it is to be in a sexless marriage, especially if maybe you're that story where it's like we did [00:23:55] everything right, we saved ourselves from marriage. And it's not fair. We're not having it. [00:24:00] Um, that sucks, man. And I'm really sorry. Cause I don't think anybody deserves [00:24:05] that. That being said, the standard does not change for what's healthy and what's good for you, [00:24:10] um, and what's ultimately going to be good for your marriage.
[00:24:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So, uh, I'll pass it over to Sean, um, to give [00:24:15] some maybe more nuts and bolts, um, on that. But, uh, but yeah, the, the standard remains the same [00:24:20] and this is not an easy situation.
[00:24:21] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So [00:24:25] Tim, there's, um, this part of this is for, for a variety of reasons. So we don't know [00:24:30] what those are. It could be medical, could be emotional, could be whatever [00:24:35] else could be your end her end. So, uh, the, the first thing that's on my mind is [00:24:40] there's a really great book by Sheila Gregoire called the great sex rescue.
[00:24:44] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:24:45] She handles these sorts of topics better than anyone I've ever seen or heard. She even [00:24:50] handles like when women do have like vaginal medical problems. Uh, there's actually a lot of it [00:24:55] is induced from stress and trauma. So she does such a great job [00:25:00] explaining that what, what could be done. Um, I've worked with a guy who was in his early [00:25:05] seventies.
[00:25:05] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: and he was struggling with a lot of sexual shame leading to erectile dysfunction. [00:25:10] Him and his wife had a challenging sex life because of those things. Um, your scenario could be [00:25:15] very different. I'm not comparing, just giving some examples, but one of the things that was profound [00:25:20] for him, and it's been profound for a lot of guys that I've worked with who are having sexual struggles is [00:25:25] developing something that, uh, my wife and I went through called a sexual template.
[00:25:28] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And really the basis of that [00:25:30] sexual template is to Kind of get on the same page on all things. And the [00:25:35] first step actually is is what's the purpose between both of us in our [00:25:40] sex life? Is sex, is the purpose of sex to have penetration? I, I, yeah, [00:25:45] if that is your purpose, that's going to be really hard. So maybe it's redefining that.
[00:25:49] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Second step, [00:25:50] which is actually the most profound step for me, actually step two and three together, but it's like, what's in the way from [00:25:55] you guys connecting sexually, even if it's not penetration? What is in the way? Is it lies? Is [00:26:00] it fears? Is it expectations? How do you guys start to talk about those things and speak [00:26:05] truth?
[00:26:05] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: into each other's lives is something so powerful. But hearing it from the other [00:26:10] person's mouth, then you start to be able to open the floodgates to what do you want? What do you need? What do you [00:26:15] like? What are healthy expectations? What would be beneficial to both of you? And that's kind of [00:26:20] what creates a sexual template.
[00:26:21] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And I think that's a great way to honor one another. And it's focused on [00:26:25] intimacy, communication, feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling. Significant. And [00:26:30] there's just so much power in that. So that's what I would say. I'm, I'm, I'm getting a Seinfeld reference right [00:26:35] now and I shouldn't be and I'm not gonna say it
[00:26:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: It's already happening. It's [00:26:40] already happening.
[00:26:41] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I just think about George, we just talked three [00:26:45] hours.
[00:26:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, [00:26:50] that's right.
[00:26:51] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: uh, so I won't go there. Mm-Hmm.
[00:26:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: actually thinking [00:26:55] of a, a story. Um, and these are some, some people that I know. They're not [00:27:00] really friends per se, but people I know. And She basically has [00:27:05] a issue with her anatomy that means she can never have sexual [00:27:10] intercourse and for her partner, um, [00:27:15] that was not a deal breaker.
[00:27:17] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And again, like, like there's [00:27:20] implicate, like she's, that means no kids, right? At least biologically. Um, and [00:27:25] it means that, you know, their sexual experiences are going to be very limited. Um, as [00:27:30] far as what they can and can't do, but it was actually a beautiful story of, [00:27:35] you know, love for one another, agreeing to make it work.
[00:27:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And so [00:27:40] I, again, the, the reasons weren't provided here. So I don't know if it's something physical, [00:27:45] maybe the wife is shut down emotionally. I think if there's something more like that, [00:27:50] um, you know, what Sean is talking about is still very relevant, um, and still would be really, [00:27:55] really valuable. Um, and the other thing we, uh, we, we referenced Eddie Capricci here [00:28:00] a little bit, uh, every now and again, and he's a big fan of sensate [00:28:05] exercises, sensate touch, um, sensate focus, and those can be great ways, [00:28:10] but it does require.
[00:28:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: You know, mutual participation. So [00:28:15] those are, those aren't things you can just do on your own. That that's where your partner wants to engage. [00:28:20] Um, and they're willing to maybe explore other ways to do that. That is kind of just not, [00:28:25] it's just not high pressure. It's really a lot more focused on, you know, you guys paying attention to each other's [00:28:30] bodies and it can be really, really productive.
[00:28:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And Eddie [00:28:35] specifically recommends it to a lot of his clients because pornography does kind of [00:28:40] distort your concept of your body and what's healthy and all, all that kind of stuff. So [00:28:45] it's, um, yeah, there's, there's lots of good options there, but, um, but I, I would say [00:28:50] where Sean was talking about with the template, that's definitely the place to start because you can do that.
[00:28:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:28:55] And then depending on how willing or unwilling your wife is to participate, you [00:29:00] can then decide kind of what the next course of action is after that. Yeah. [00:29:05] Um, one more thought actually, before we move to the next, which is there's [00:29:10] more to life than. sex and your sexual needs, even in a marriage [00:29:15] context.
[00:29:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And so that would be another thing is if you are in a really [00:29:20] dire situation, that's beyond your control, whether it's anatomy, um, or [00:29:25] probably maybe what'd be more relevant here is where your wife has zero interest in dis in [00:29:30] engagement. And, um, and maybe it's like roommate syndrome in the marriage. [00:29:35] If something like that is more of the case, then you actually need to find other ways to feel fulfilled in life.
[00:29:39] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:29:40] Um, And look, before you had sex for the first time, you went how many years [00:29:45] finding fulfillment in life without sex? So you, you're definitely capable of it. Um, it's just that [00:29:50] sometimes we believe the lie that we have these sexual needs and, um, you know, because we have these [00:29:55] needs, these needs have to get met.
[00:29:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And I just don't think that's the right way to look at it. I think, um, actually there's other ways to [00:30:00] find fulfillment also. And look, you know, I've, I've been, I've been away from Shaloma, um, [00:30:05] for, you know, a week. Two weeks. And, um, and again, that's a very micro [00:30:10] example. Um, but even in those environments, we're expected to still handle ourselves with integrity [00:30:15] and pure conduct.
[00:30:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And, um, the same is true when it's a bit longer term, as difficult as it might [00:30:20] be.
[00:30:20] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0044: Question two is from Sean in India. How [00:30:25] do I change my dopamine so that I stop watching these videos? I want [00:30:30] to stop.
[00:30:31] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Okay, how do I change my dopamine? Man, I love it. I love that [00:30:35] people are talking about dopamine now, because I was like digging into dopamine like 10 years ago, [00:30:40] um, before it was cool. So the, the biggest misunderstanding about dopamine is, uh, [00:30:45] people talk about like getting dopamine hits and that is accurate.
[00:30:48] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: You know, our brain does flood with dopamine. [00:30:50] When we achieve certain things, but the real danger of dopamine is actually [00:30:55] in the drip. And that is where we are not achieving the thing, but we're just [00:31:00] pursuing it. That's what actually keeps dopamine going. And so [00:31:05] the interesting thing is everything in our [00:31:10] society today is conditioning us for the dopamine drip.
[00:31:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So your phone [00:31:15] notifications on your phone. Social media, if you think about it, uh, the Instagram feed, right? Like [00:31:20] you scroll through and what happens when you get to the bottom, uh, you wait for a little spinning wheel and you keep going, right? Or if you're [00:31:25] going through stories, you're always going to what's next.
[00:31:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: All of these things are triggering [00:31:30] the dopamine circuits in your system. And so if [00:31:35] you're, if you're really looking to change the way that your brain is using dopamine. [00:31:40] And, and alter it, I would say there's probably three things you need to do. [00:31:45] Number one is you want to probably have a period, uh, once a week of 24 [00:31:50] hours where you are doing a dopamine detox.
[00:31:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And this is out of the work of Anna Lemke, who I [00:31:55] believe is a Harvard or Yale. Researcher a dopamine nation is the title of [00:32:00] her book and the work she does very very good She recommends a dopamine detox. I think it's 24 [00:32:05] hours. I the length might be different But I do that I do that on Saturdays. [00:32:10] And so that's that's really really valuable The second thing I [00:32:15] would say is there is a concept in neuroscience called edging which is you [00:32:20] are Um, like if level five is watching porn where it's like that huge dopamine flood and a [00:32:25] level zero is no dopamine and you're just totally calm and collect edging is where [00:32:30] you go from a zero to a one, um, from a one to a two, from a two to a three where [00:32:35] it's like, yeah, I probably should get off this app, but I'm just going to look at a few more.
[00:32:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And then something [00:32:40] catches your attention and you know, you go from Instagram to YouTube and now you're watching longer videos and you know, now you're at a [00:32:45] three, but then you, there's an ad and it kind of triggers you a bit. So you go to a four. Um, and edging is [00:32:50] where we kind of push that. And so a lot of guys are oblivious.
[00:32:53] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: A lot of guys don't gain their awareness until they're [00:32:55] like a level four. So building that awareness of when I'm at a level one, when I'm at a level [00:33:00] two, that can go a long way because, um, it kind of becomes a runaway train. [00:33:05] Like, it's not linear, like by the time you're at a three, four, five level, [00:33:10] very, very hard to stop that, that train, like the wheels are already in motion.
[00:33:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: But if you can start [00:33:15] to recognize things at a level one or level two, You can reset your nervous system a lot more [00:33:20] quickly. And then again, we're, we're not, we're not going to eliminate dopamine. We're wired to have dopamine. We want [00:33:25] dopamine. But what happens here is you're just in more control of it. And you don't get into that state where you're [00:33:30] just starved for dopamine.
[00:33:32] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and I have a third thing, but I'll, I'll pass it over to Sean first. [00:33:35] Cause I know he's got some thoughts.
[00:33:36] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, I was just thinking about the 24 hour [00:33:40] fast, you know, it's, uh, vital. I think when guys are [00:33:45] earlier in the stages, I really think guys need to be doing that more often for longer for it to [00:33:50] really do much like fasting as a Christians, like one day fast. They're, they're, they're nice.
[00:33:54] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:33:55] They definitely are beneficial, but you're already thinking about eating like you're not [00:34:00] really. Focused on the longevity of disciplining your flesh and being without [00:34:05] so I think there's a lot to be said there Yeah, I think what we need to [00:34:10] do when it comes to dopamine is we need to Rewire what we think about [00:34:15] as pleasure.
[00:34:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: We need to rewire what we think about as as Satisfying right? I guess a big part [00:34:20] of it where that would be in the idea of like edging So for me, it's like If I start [00:34:25] scrolling on Facebook, which is very rare, but I do it once in a while, it's like this [00:34:30] isn't satisfying. I've already decided like this isn't satisfying to me.
[00:34:33] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: This isn't going to give me pleasure. There's [00:34:35] already that trigger in my head. I've already pre thought this. We've talked about that with those that trigger plan. It's [00:34:40] like already decided in my head that this isn't going to give me what I want. What I want is this. [00:34:45] Now I have a decision to say, I'm going to keep doing something that's stupid, or I'm going to go do something [00:34:50] that actually gives me what I want and need.
[00:34:52] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So that's been a big journey for me [00:34:55] as you know, go through successful seasons, become a dad, move across the [00:35:00] world. There's lots of new triggers and it's very easy to numb. But because these have been habitually [00:35:05] developed, like these resolves, these, these, these Convictions. They've [00:35:10] just come with me. So I would just that would be my main encouragement for you, Sean.
[00:35:13] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Good name. [00:35:15] Um, I would, I would just really say that that's a big part of with what Sophia is saying. [00:35:20] That's been my journey is really defining. What do I want? What do I like? What do I [00:35:25] enjoy? What satisfies me and begin to create a life that is full of that? Because if you live a [00:35:30] life you enjoy, you won't need to escape from
[00:35:32] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah, man, it's so good. You actually mentioned what, [00:35:35] what my third thing was going to be with. Yeah. So that's perfect. Um, but I was going to [00:35:40] say, have things in your life that are healthy, that you can look forward [00:35:45] to because dopamine is all about anticipation, right? And so if you have [00:35:50] healthy things that you are excited about that you're anticipating, that's a really good way to [00:35:55] actually kind of rewire your brain.
[00:35:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Or I would say probably like kind of recircuit it. So that your dopamine is [00:36:00] actually being used positively and in your favor. So, um, yeah, that, that, that stuff [00:36:05] can go a long way.
[00:36:06] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, that's really cool. Um, Cynthia, are [00:36:10] you familiar? I'm not remembering exactly how I read it. It [00:36:15] was a few years ago, but the idea of when we anticipate something that's going to be exciting, [00:36:20] we get dopamine, but we anticipate something that also has stress with it. It also releases
[00:36:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: yeah, [00:36:25] that's right.
[00:36:25] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: which then enhances the, which then enhances our tie to being stressed and then [00:36:30] going to porn.
[00:36:30] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: yeah, absolutely. It's a, it's a really good point. So the, it, you [00:36:35] can, you can trigger responses in your body as though it were happening [00:36:40] just by imagining something. So yeah, 100%. And that, that is a [00:36:45] little bit more of the indirect correlate that we see for certain guys who are [00:36:50] addicted to pornography is they're, yeah, they're causing the, the, the dopamine [00:36:55] drip or something worse like cortisol or adrenaline, just from the things they're thinking [00:37:00] about or anticipating.
[00:37:01] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, and then to cope with it, they resort to pornography or something like [00:37:05] it.
[00:37:06] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Dopamine and you want, you know, [00:37:10] releases the chemical that, you know, you want to go do something maybe that's fun or exciting with, with cortisol. [00:37:15] You want to numb that stressful
[00:37:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Exactly. Yep.
[00:37:17] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. [00:37:20] Powerful.
[00:37:20] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Third question is from James, uh, in Tokyo, Japan. I've been [00:37:25] watching pornography and masturbation since grade seven. I'm now a high school senior. [00:37:30] I've tried to quit many times, and now that I'm about to go into the real world and be on my [00:37:35] own, I have to free myself from the grip of the addiction.
[00:37:38] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0044: I've heard a lot about the negative effects [00:37:40] like erectile dysfunction and low sperm count, and I'm worried about the future of my own [00:37:45] family that I hope to have one day. If I quit now, will I have to worry about these [00:37:50] problems? And do they go away upon discontinuing use of porn and [00:37:55] masturbation? Also, if there is any one tip that you could give to [00:38:00] someone who has tried to quit many times, what would it be?
[00:38:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Wow. Man, such a good [00:38:05] question. What I love about this question is that this is a young guy who's looking ahead [00:38:10] and thinking ahead and then kind of He has the goal and then he's reversed engineered this [00:38:15] and saying, okay, these are the things I need to take care of for me to have that goal, which is, you know, to have a family.
[00:38:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: [00:38:20] So, uh, just incredible foresight, James. Well done, man. That's that's really, really impressive. [00:38:25] Um, so the, the really cool thing and this, this is actually been [00:38:30] proven for a very long time. Like, 10, 12 years, this was [00:38:35] clinically and academically proven, which is that the physical and mental [00:38:40] impacts of pornography can be reversed.
[00:38:42] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So the, there's really good news and it [00:38:45] doesn't matter if you're 17 or you're 77, your, your brain and [00:38:50] your body are adaptable and sure they're a little bit less adaptable, you [00:38:55] know, as you go further on in life, but you know, we've seen guys successfully quit porn and they get [00:39:00] their sex lives back in their, you know, sixties and seventies where.
[00:39:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: The sex life maybe would be dwindling [00:39:05] ordinarily. So, um, you know, with you being so young, I, I don't [00:39:10] think you have a lot to worry about. Um, I think by the time you're ready to have a family, if you [00:39:15] make an earnest effort and you successfully quit pornography now or in the near future, I don't [00:39:20] think you'll have anything to worry about by the time you reach that stage.
[00:39:22] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: And even if you do, and Sean, Sean's got a [00:39:25] great story around this, but even if you do encounter that, um, you're going to be way [00:39:30] better equipped. to actually handle them as they come. So in other [00:39:35] words, if you quit porn next year and, uh, or in the next year and you do it the right way, you [00:39:40] get to the roots and you get equipped with the right tools and resources, and maybe you, you know, integrate some inner child [00:39:45] work or something else that's going to help you tackle trauma and childhood stuff. When [00:39:50] you get married, if you do find out that you're having some performance issues or that you [00:39:55] may be experiencing some infertility, Um, you're going to be able to make adjustments with a lot more stability, [00:40:00] a clearer mind. Um, and some of those tools that you learned are probably going to become helpful again.[00:40:05]
[00:40:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So the best thing you can do, as you suggested, it sounds like you're thinking about it is, you know, you just quit [00:40:10] now. Now's your chance to do it. Now's your time to do it. And um, and even if you do [00:40:15] encounter those things later, you'll be better prepared for it. However, by quitting now, you're going to reduce the chances of those [00:40:20] things dramatically.
[00:40:20] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Really good. Yeah. It's a, it's a question that [00:40:25] would be near and dear to my heart. Um, says you're in Japan. I don't know if you, it says [00:40:30] you're on the air base. I don't know if you're from Japan, but this Question coming from Japan is quite [00:40:35] unique as well. If you are Japanese, given what's going on in that world over there, pretty, [00:40:40] pretty scary in the young generation.
[00:40:42] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But, um, what I will say [00:40:45] is, um, my story is, uh, [00:40:50] sobriety for, you know, Um, let's say, I think it was, let's just say three [00:40:55] years, sobriety, levels of freedom, um, but was still struggling with the psychological [00:41:00] side of erectile dysfunction. Um, Eddie Caporucci, we've mentioned him quite a few [00:41:05] times in the last few, uh, episodes in our child go to guy for [00:41:10] writing books and authoring.
[00:41:11] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Um, he, he was starting to see that a lot of guys that would get free from [00:41:15] porn, they just, They just kind of sucked at relationships like they would just not go [00:41:20] into their marriage feeling ready to handle other areas. They quit [00:41:25] porn, but they weren't really emotionally intelligent. They weren't emotionally fit.
[00:41:29] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: They weren't able [00:41:30] to set boundaries and handle conflict in a way that their wife maybe needed or [00:41:35] for them to thrive as a couple. So this is important because The recovery that I did in the [00:41:40] first three years of my journey, there were some good elements to it. There was some depth to it with [00:41:45] some trauma and whatnot, but there wasn't a lot of great healing of that trauma there.
[00:41:49] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: There was [00:41:50] definitely, um, some, some states that I was still immature in [00:41:55] areas. I still struggled with safety around my wife and it was actually because I never dealt with the mother [00:42:00] trauma. It was only a father trauma. So what I'm saying is that. Yeah. If I can give you one tip, [00:42:05] it would be, as we've been saying over and over again, get to the real depth of the roots.
[00:42:09] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Look at [00:42:10] your father, look at your mother, look at those influences. If you're going to get married one day, your [00:42:15] mother is going to have a huge effect on how you relate to your wife, feel safe with [00:42:20] her, communicate with her. So if you're struggling with erectile dysfunction, even if you quit [00:42:25] porn or you're struggling to feel safe around a woman, it really tells us a lot [00:42:30] about how our mother handled her own marriage.
[00:42:33] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: How she was maybe an anxious [00:42:35] presence. Maybe she had depression. That's my story. So it just gives us a lot of insight. So my main [00:42:40] tip for you would be to look at the signs of what's going on around you [00:42:45] and and use that as a way to say, wow, there's there's something to explore and heal further. So there's a lot of [00:42:50] hope.
[00:42:50] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Once I learned all this stuff, the turnaround was actually really quick. And [00:42:55] that was really exciting. And you know, that was Three and a half years ago, I think that [00:43:00] was, and it's just been so cool to not have, not only have a thriving marriage [00:43:05] and sex life with my wife, but to be able to share on these topics because what I have learned [00:43:10] works for other people too.
[00:43:11] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So I actually created like a mini course for it and everything. So what I'm telling you isn't just my [00:43:15] opinion. It's proven with lots of guys ages, you know, 20 to 80. So very, [00:43:20] very cool stuff.
[00:43:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Yeah. I mean, James, you are on the right track. If you're thinking this way, [00:43:25] asking these questions, um, definitely doing the right work, man. So, um, so make sure, [00:43:30] make sure you check out some of our resources too. There's, there's some freebies on there that, that'll give you a good [00:43:35] kind of guide work for getting to the roots of the issue.
[00:43:37] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Um, like the book, the last relapse, you can get that, [00:43:40] um, on our site. Uh, all that kind of stuff could, could be a really good way for you to start. And then, [00:43:45] um, and then, you know, as you kind of. Figure out what it is you want specifically, then, you know, you can get some [00:43:50] specific help and, um, and enter freedom hopefully quickly, and then [00:43:55] certainly, uh, into marriage and fatherhood without any pornography.
[00:43:58] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: So well done, man. [00:44:00] Fantastic question. Um, hey, if you're enjoying these episodes, make sure you're sharing them, uh, [00:44:05] with people that you think would benefit from them. That's how we know you guys are enjoying what we're doing here. And the [00:44:10] rating or review on your, uh, on your platform goes a really long way in the meantime, God [00:44:15] bless you guys.
[00:44:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0039: Thank you so much for listening. Stay clean. We'll talk soon. [00:44:20] [00:44:25] [00:44:30] [00:44:35] [00:44:40] [00:44:45] [00:44:50] [00:44:55] [00:45:00] [00:45:05] [00:45:10] [00:45:15] [00:45:20] [00:45:25] [00:45:30] [00:45:35] [00:45:40] [00:45:45]
