Ep 757 - Q&A w Sathiya, Shawn, & Oskar
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[00:00:00] Sathiya: [00:00:05] [00:00:10] [00:00:15] [00:00:20] [00:00:25] [00:00:30] All right. Welcome back.
[00:00:31] Sathiya: Our second version of this
[00:00:33] Sathiya: new segment, uh, we're going to [00:00:35] jump right into it today. Um,
[00:00:38] Sathiya: inner child
[00:00:38] Sathiya: work, I think is, [00:00:40] uh, something that we've talked about a lot more, Sean, you've really. Yeah. I Uh, spearheaded,
[00:00:44] Sathiya: [00:00:45] uh, even integrating interchild work into the deep clean system. And I think it's gone a lot
[00:00:48] Sathiya: better as a result, [00:00:50] clients are definitely getting more results. I think interchild work is one of the most, you know, [00:00:55] impactful modalities out there. and I know you do too. Let's, let's get into it a little bit, man. [00:01:00] Why,
[00:01:00] Sathiya: why do you think interchild work is so
[00:01:01] Sathiya: powerful?
[00:01:02] Shawn: Inter child work is so [00:01:05] powerful. That's a, that's a, that's a big loaded question, but simple answer. I would say [00:01:10] it's because it's the younger parts of us that get [00:01:15] traumatized, get
[00:01:15] Shawn: programmed, get hurt. So if you're eight years old,
[00:01:18] Shawn: you get hurt by something [00:01:20] that's you know, actual tangible abuse, or those micro tears that happen
[00:01:24] Shawn: over years [00:01:25] and years and years, but maybe at eight you believe a lie about yourself. that doesn't [00:01:30] go away just
[00:01:31] Shawn: because you become an adult, like that stuff
[00:01:33] Shawn: just continues [00:01:35] to get worse if it's unprocessed. So when we're talking about the power of inner child work, [00:01:40] we're talking about healing the very beginning
[00:01:43] Shawn: of the [00:01:45] problem. And if you can do that, you could imagine that there's
[00:01:49] Shawn: going to [00:01:50] be new experiences. In the depth of knowing Jesus is love his [00:01:55] father power and it's
[00:01:56] Shawn: going to allow you to to live as we talked about on the on the
[00:01:59] Shawn: [00:02:00] last episode that that idea of like the trigger is a nervous
[00:02:02] Shawn: system. It's like we want to be able [00:02:05] to understand
[00:02:06] Shawn: why we do what we do. So I think that's
[00:02:08] Shawn: why inner child works so powerful.
[00:02:09] Shawn: It gives us
[00:02:09] Shawn: [00:02:10] that clarity. Why do we do what we do and what actually needs
[00:02:13] Shawn: healing?
[00:02:14] Sathiya: [00:02:15] Yeah. Yeah. The research is pretty clear
[00:02:17] Sathiya: that the first, well, [00:02:20] it depends. It's either the first two, first five or first seven years of life are [00:02:25] very formative all in different respects. And the younger you go, the more formative those years [00:02:30] are. And, you know, they're formative for attachment, they're formative for social [00:02:35] development, mental development,
[00:02:37] Sathiya: you know, even physical development, there's, there's, uh, an [00:02:40] argument
[00:02:40] Sathiya: there. Um, so I
[00:02:42] Sathiya: think none of us get a perfect [00:02:45] upbringing and like you said,
[00:02:46] Sathiya: micro tears, that's such a great word, you know, you get those micro tears,
[00:02:49] Sathiya: you get [00:02:50] those, those little rips,
[00:02:51] Sathiya: those little ruptures, and if they don't get repaired, they [00:02:55] don't get healed. Or they don't get integrated. That's kind of the opposite trauma, isn't it?
[00:02:59] Sathiya: Like [00:03:00] integration is, is the real goal here. If they don't get integrated, um, then [00:03:05] that little child part of us just kind of stays stunted. I was, I had this happen [00:03:10] the other day. This was like two or three days ago. I was trying to put Judah down to sleep [00:03:15] and he was just fighting it, you know? And I came
[00:03:17] Shawn: Oh, I know.
[00:03:18] Sathiya: yeah, I'm sure you know [00:03:20] all this.
[00:03:20] Sathiya: Right. And I, I came in with really unrealistic expectations. Like [00:03:25] Shalom was like, you know, he's been up for. whatever it was. He'd been up for too long. He needs to go [00:03:30] down. She's tired. So I'm like stepping in to help out. Um, and so I'm putting him down [00:03:35] and I don't know why in my head, I just thought this should take like five to 10 minutes, you know, [00:03:40] um, which sometimes it doesn't, sometimes it doesn't.
[00:03:42] Sathiya: But on this particular day, it was not, and I [00:03:45] got so frustrated. I got so angry. And then I started like, you know, I was [00:03:50] starting to think about like, Oh, you know, my, my wife's conditioning him to fall asleep with her only. [00:03:55] You know, like I, my, your head just goes to these places and. I, I, I wish, I wish I [00:04:00] could tell you I had the presence of mind to know what was going on in that moment.
[00:04:02] Sathiya: And I just dissolved it and there [00:04:05] was no crisis, but actually Shaloma came in like 20 minutes later and was like, Oh, he's still awake. And I was like, yeah, [00:04:10] well, if you didn't, you know, and I kind of got into it a little bit, it was, totally my bad. And [00:04:15] afterwards, you know, at least afterwards I did okay.
[00:04:17] Sathiya: And I just realized, man, that was little Sophia, you know, [00:04:20] that's little Sophia. Who's like, who was feeling powerless, feeling like a victim [00:04:25] and starting to kind of blame. Blame everyone else, right? Shift the blame and making, making [00:04:30] a mess in the process and, uh, realizing I, I wouldn't say I pinpointed a [00:04:35] particular memory, although I have some core memories that revolve around those concepts, but, [00:04:40] um, but just, just acknowledging like, man, that's actually, that's a long time that I've [00:04:45] been dealing with that dynamic where when I feel powerless, I can tend to blame other people and have [00:04:50] all the reasons why it's their fault.
[00:04:51] Sathiya: And so, you know, it just goes to goes to show you and [00:04:55] I guess to drive the point home a bit more, you know, we constantly work on this and our, [00:05:00] our inner child is, you know, generally, I would say at play, you know, [00:05:05] it's something we need to be conscious of on a regular basis.
[00:05:07] Shawn: Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for sharing that man, it's really [00:05:10] powerful and I can relate completely. It's the, the downfall of parenting is. [00:05:15] Sleeping expectations.
[00:05:16] Sathiya: Yeah, right.
[00:05:19] Shawn: of [00:05:20] parent, any date night, anything that want for yourself. So I [00:05:25] can relate completely. Um, yeah, I think there's, uh, so [00:05:30] much to be said about that.
[00:05:30] Shawn: And sometimes, you know, there's a controversial idea of like, Oh, like inner [00:05:35] child, that's kind of weird. You know, it's not, there's no. Child within us. It's like, yeah, there's not like a little [00:05:40] boy in my head dancing around. It's not like that. That's not what we're getting at. It's just like a [00:05:45] metaphor to say there's stunted development of an eight year old stuck in my [00:05:50] head.
[00:05:50] Shawn: There's a part of my brain that is like an eight year old. There's parts of my brain that's like a 12 year old because [00:05:55] when that trauma happened or that lie was believed or formed that then [00:06:00] stunted the development of that part of my brain. So when that part gets [00:06:05] triggered by it, Something that happens later today or yesterday or tomorrow.
[00:06:08] Shawn: It's as if an eight year old or [00:06:10] a 12 year old is taking over and running the show. And I always say that's why really smart, [00:06:15] mature people end up making just these ridiculous, silly, immature decisions is [00:06:20] because that childish part of them is coming out. And a lot of times they just don't [00:06:25] understand. And that's the name of the game with guys we work with is, I just don't get why I do what I do.
[00:06:29] Shawn: Like, why do I [00:06:30] keep going back to that? And it's so amazing that there are answers.
[00:06:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And I [00:06:35] have to say, like, those answers. If it weren't for the answers, right? If [00:06:40] it's like for me, if it wasn't for the fruit of inner child work, I would, I don't think I would have even been [00:06:45] much of a fan of it because I, I kind of grew up with the whole [00:06:50] doctrine of like, you've been made perfect, you know, your new creation, [00:06:55] um, you're not an onion.
[00:06:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: You don't need to go into your past. You know, it was like, you know, [00:07:00] that's all washed by the blood of Jesus. Like, you know, those kinds of paradigms and. [00:07:05] Again,
[00:07:05] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: a good one.
[00:07:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: yeah, you're not an onion. Oh, man. I heard that one a lot. You're not an onion. Stop going in your past [00:07:10] There's not layers to it, you know So it's an interesting one like and I [00:07:15] think for me I I really believed all that stuff and I actually still I still [00:07:20] believe that I am and you know what I mean Like they're kind of held in tension But it was very clear [00:07:25] and the the thing that I remember is I actually remember somebody teaching about it one day [00:07:30] I remember somebody teaching, you know, you're, you're not an, I don't think it was, you're not an onion.
[00:07:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: I don't think it was that talk, [00:07:35] but you know, he's, he's saying like, you know, you don't need to go through your past and you are a new creation and don't waste your [00:07:40] time. It's washed in the blood of Jesus. And if Jesus isn't worried about it, you shouldn't be either. And it was that kind of talk. [00:07:45] And um, and then I was like, but wait a minute, so I I remember [00:07:50] thinking about I I was like, wait a minute.
[00:07:51] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: I know this guy You know, this was somebody that we just we knew we were family [00:07:55] friends And I knew that actually there were tons of areas where I had seen him, you know, maybe [00:08:00] not treat his wife the best or not treat his kids amazing. And I think, I think that was where I [00:08:05] realized, like, there, there's gotta be a little bit more to this.
[00:08:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: You know, there has to be a bit more [00:08:10] because I feel like, just the, the, the pure doctrine in of itself as, [00:08:15] as great as it is, like the, way that this is actually being worked out in day to day life, it's not. [00:08:20] It's not congruent. it's not. adding up, you know, because it should be reflected. Like I think if that's honestly [00:08:25] true then We should be like in in close to perfect [00:08:30] conduct and that kind of thing And I think when when we're not then we need something to explain it and so [00:08:35] you know, I I searched high and low looking for answers because I I was bound and [00:08:40] determined like this whole concept of integrity has been like a core thing for me You know, I I've [00:08:45] I've wanted to be a man of integrity since I was a little boy and Um, I [00:08:50] really got searching and I don't think I really got nearly the kind of breakthrough I [00:08:55] got until I, until I got into inner child work, digging into those past memories [00:09:00] and the inner child work concept is actually pretty prominent in psychology now.[00:09:05]
[00:09:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: But I think what's different as believers is that we can do inner [00:09:10] child work, um, and do it in conjunction with the Holy [00:09:15] Spirit, with Jesus and with God the Father. And that to me is what has made this [00:09:20] whole experience so profoundly life changing.
[00:09:23] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Amen, man. Yeah I [00:09:25] grew up more on like the Shrek doctrine, you know, humans are like parfaits. Humans are like onions, you [00:09:30] know, that was, that was my doctrine growing up. So
[00:09:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:09:35] doctrine, nice.
[00:09:36] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: a little different. Uh, it's funny. Yeah.
[00:09:39] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: that's that's really [00:09:40] the name of the game is we need to be reparented and there's [00:09:45] the difference between we can reparent ourselves, which there's an element that we get to do [00:09:50] that.
[00:09:50] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And that's an incredible gift. But that can become self reliance and new age [00:09:55] very, very quickly. Like we have to be reparented by an ultimate [00:10:00] truth of love and justice. And that's what we find in Jesus Christ. So without that, it just [00:10:05] becomes another cool idea. And I see that being used a lot. And Yeah. Yeah. It's [00:10:10] like we're, we're fallible, feeble beings. If you're, if you're your own best [00:10:15] self reparenting yourself, it's like, you're going to fail.
[00:10:18] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah.
[00:10:18] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: We need [00:10:20] Jesus.
[00:10:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah. Yeah, really. And truly what's what's really great about inner child work as well [00:10:25] is there's there's something about being able to impart a skill to a [00:10:30] client that. is always superior than [00:10:35] any skill that you possess exclusively as the coach, right? Like, Like my [00:10:40] goal as a coach is that my client doesn't need me. That's the goal. Number one, because they've [00:10:45] gotten the breakthrough they needed, but number two, because they're equipped with the necessary [00:10:50] skills to handle some of the curve balls and challenges that they may eventually face as they continue their journey [00:10:55] beyond working with me. And inner child work is really good that way. Cause [00:11:00] I remember I had some really profound experiences in, you know, sort of the program [00:11:05] environment where I learned inner child work and I I went on and did some extra, you know, one off sessions and whatever. [00:11:10] And then I remember it, that was, that kind of like opened the [00:11:15] floodgates. Like I had another year afterwards where like. All these memories came up, you [00:11:20] know, and I got triggered more than normal. And I honestly think it was the grace of God. He was just like, we're, we were playing like whack a mole in [00:11:25] my heart a little bit, you know, like, you'll knock one down, but there's another one over there and you kind of keep going. [00:11:30] Um, but it was pretty fun actually, because as these memories came up. I was [00:11:35] able to just, you know, do some inner child work. Sometimes I'd be, you know, driving, you're like, you're kind of doing it on [00:11:40] the spot, doing it really quick. Other times you're having like a really deep journaling session or [00:11:45] whatever it is, and you're kind of going in. Um, but it was really cool to feel like, huh, I don't actually [00:11:50] need my instructors. You know, I don't, I don't need to go back into that environment to get the same breakthrough. I can [00:11:55] actually do it now. And I think any kind of skillset in recovery that is in that [00:12:00] category is. Always superior and again, I love that about inner child work. And [00:12:05] I love that we're doing that with our clients. Now.
[00:12:07] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:12:08] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, man. It's such a great [00:12:10] example of what freedom is supposed to look like where [00:12:15] we get coaching. We have someone come alongside us to support us and help us and equip [00:12:20] us. And then there's a, I would say like a kind of a 90 10 split in my experience where 90 percent [00:12:25] of the time I do a lot of the healing through a brother, a mentor through the church and the [00:12:30] Lord.
[00:12:30] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And then if there's like something that comes up that that really challenges me, that's beyond what [00:12:35] I was equipped in. I can hire a coach for a month and work through it. And I think when guys come to [00:12:40] me after nine years of counseling, five years, I'm like, what [00:12:45] are you doing for? Nine years. Like, man, it's just, it's [00:12:50] just tremendously sad to me where the amount of money and time they're spending [00:12:55] and they're not equipped, they don't feel healthy.
[00:12:57] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: They actually feel more jaded and it just saddens [00:13:00] me where we work with guys for usually four months, maybe eight. And I just think like [00:13:05] eight months versus nine years, there's a big, big difference there. And I think the results [00:13:10] are, are
[00:13:10] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: much better. Yeah.
[00:13:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah. And the [00:13:15] cool thing about inner child work is like anybody can do it. Right away, you know, [00:13:20] because we all have those memories
[00:13:21] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: and I know for me So just to give people
[00:13:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: idea of [00:13:25] how closed minded I was I was like the guy who was like my parents were
[00:13:29] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: perfect. [00:13:30] I had a good childhood I don't I didn't have anything and I still remember we were in
[00:13:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: this session and [00:13:35] you know Everybody is having everyone's like crying and rah rah rah and I'm just
[00:13:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: like kind of like eating a bowl of [00:13:40] yogurt You know, like I don't know like I wasn't like I wasn't
[00:13:42] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: really connecting with it Um, And
[00:13:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: somebody [00:13:45] had told me, you know, you can
[00:13:46] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: actually ask the Holy Spirit to help you if you're having trouble [00:13:50] accessing. And I just thought that was so genius. like again, so it sounds so obvious when somebody says it, [00:13:55] but, um, but that was really helpful. And I, I really appreciated that about it. Cause I. I [00:14:00] sort of had this guard up about going into my childhood and I didn't want to [00:14:05] dishonor my parents. That's sort of an Indian culture thing, right?
[00:14:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: You don't speak badly about your parents. [00:14:10] And, um, and so that was, that was actually the big wall that was in my heart. [00:14:15] And. There was just something about having the Holy Spirit with me that made it feel like it was [00:14:20] okay because I knew that he wasn't gonna bash my parents, you know, like it just it just somehow got [00:14:25] over that that little defense and then and then we were kind of off to the races after that.
[00:14:29] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:14:30] So I really enjoyed that part as well, which is just that. Yeah, anybody can do it at any point. [00:14:35] And if you're struggling like the Holy Spirit's there to kind of guide you through it, you know, it's kind of foolproof that [00:14:40] way.
[00:14:40] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah. I agree completely. It's, uh, really [00:14:45] all it requires is the ability to have compassion and the ability to trust that the [00:14:50] Lord is revealing things. That's, that would be my only caveats for guys. And, you know, if you feel ready [00:14:55] to offer a child compassion and you feel ready to trust the Lord for what he says to be true, [00:15:00] I think
[00:15:00] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: inner child work will work for you.
[00:15:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah. The other thing that's really [00:15:05] cool, and again, I would say I've definitely witnessed this in you, Sean, um, [00:15:10] over the years, and I, I know I can speak for myself as well. As you learn [00:15:15] to, to show compassion to yourself, you naturally become more compassionate [00:15:20] towards others. And, uh, like Sean, you're, you and I have been working on this, um, on an [00:15:25] inner child module actually for our, our clients. um, which is actually, it's turning out really [00:15:30] good, man. and you've been dealing with all my idiosyncrasies
[00:15:32] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: and nitpicky, uh, details to get it [00:15:35] all
[00:15:35] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: right. Um, but it's, uh, it, you
[00:15:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: said something in there
[00:15:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: with, which I [00:15:40] thought
[00:15:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: was pretty profound and you said, you can't, you can only have empathy for others to the degree that you have [00:15:45] empathy for yourself.
[00:15:46] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And it's, it's just a great reminder of that concept out of [00:15:50] Matthew 22. You know, you can, like you were to love your neighbor as you love yourself. Jesus, second [00:15:55] greatest commandment. It just got me, it just got me realizing [00:16:00] again, how often we come up short in our relationships, like my example [00:16:05] where Judah's not sleeping, I'm blaming my wife, and I'm basically, like, [00:16:10] totally compassionate less, compassion less, and Without empathy [00:16:15] for her and all of it's because I'm not able to give either of those things to myself in [00:16:20] the moment, or, you know, as young Sathya, who's been feeling those feelings before.
[00:16:24] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:16:25] So there's a cool byproduct of this as well, which is once you start [00:16:30] to exercise that compassion and that empathy for yourself, it actually [00:16:35] starts to trickle into your relationships and you become much more compassionate, much more [00:16:40] empathetic. So for. For the people who are listening, you know, especially if you're in a position of [00:16:45] leadership, whether it's leadership at home as a husband or as a father, or [00:16:50] leadership at work, leadership at church, maybe you volunteer somewhere.
[00:16:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Um, you [00:16:55] know, this kind of inner child work actually spans into all those areas of your life as [00:17:00] well.
[00:17:01] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. It's been pivotal to me through [00:17:05] parenting, growing in my coaching, even moving to a foreign country. It's [00:17:10] been a huge part of going through what feels very humiliating many [00:17:15] days, not speaking the language here. Having to go through driving school and driving lessons again, [00:17:20] very humiliating. But because I've been in tune with my inner child and the depths [00:17:25] of the sorrows I felt as a child with injuries and me feeling like I'm missing out on [00:17:30] things.
[00:17:30] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I've been able to handle it in a way that that's really profound and integrous, and it's [00:17:35] led to a lot of evangelizing and just really cool experiences. [00:17:40] So. That's just harnessing that experience of inner child healing and [00:17:45] then letting the Lord use it. It's not anything to do with me. It's just letting the Lord It's it's, [00:17:50] becoming a vessel that the Lord can
[00:17:51] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: use.
[00:17:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah. Yeah, it's really, [00:17:55] really good. And, and the, the fruit speaks for itself. Like we've seen, like we're talking about what's happened in [00:18:00] our own
[00:18:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: lives, But in our clients lives as well, you
[00:18:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: know, they become better [00:18:05] husbands, they become better
[00:18:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: fathers. and even in my friends lives or some of my, my
[00:18:09] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: classmates that [00:18:10] were in that program with me back in the day, you know, they're.
[00:18:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: We all became [00:18:15] different people. You just, you become transformed in the image of Christ as you start to heal through some of [00:18:20] these wounds
[00:18:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: and you know, painful memories, traumas, whatever they might be. [00:18:25] Uh, it's, It's amazing. And you know, God wants that for us. Like he wants, he wants us to be our [00:18:30] best selves.
[00:18:30] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: He wants us to be
[00:18:31] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: healthy, happy to enjoy this thing called life that he's blessed [00:18:35] us with. And I just think inner child work is such a powerful way to do it. [00:18:40] Um, Anything else that we didn't touch on here before we start to answer some questions, Sean, that [00:18:45] maybe the audience needs to know about inner child work?
[00:18:48] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. I think [00:18:50] the, I guess the thing that comes to my mind is just a lot, a lot of guys might feel this, [00:18:55] like, like you're saying, like, like I'm, I'm not an onion. Um, you know, can I [00:19:00] just like have enough faith? Can I just, you know, If I really love Jesus [00:19:05] enough, isn't that stuff healed? It's not so much that they're just like, I'm a new creation, there's no problems, or they're more like, [00:19:10] I have problems, but if I just have faith, and like, live out that faith, isn't that [00:19:15] enough?
[00:19:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And that's been an interesting experience to work?
[00:19:16] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: through it with guys like that. And one of the things that I often [00:19:20] get to tell guys, which I think is really profound, is that you might have faith [00:19:25] as an adult, and you might grasp the gospel as a 30 year old, 50 year old, but what [00:19:30] about the 8 year old who went through trauma, or you know, felt like he had to perform to earn love. I don't [00:19:35] think that eight year old understands the gravity of the gospel. Wouldn't it be incredible to open up that [00:19:40] space in your heart and let
[00:19:41] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Jesus in fully?
[00:19:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah, that's good. Yeah, [00:19:45] that's, that, that it's such a good point. Um, and it's funny because people say you can't change your [00:19:50] past, but inner childhood work, inner child work kind of suggests that you can actually, [00:19:55] right? And you can, you can go back and repair some of those, those parts of your life, which is uh, [00:20:00] it's pretty amazing.
[00:20:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And the other, the other thing I'll just add, I was amazed. When I first started doing it, [00:20:05] I
[00:20:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: was amazed at how quickly I, I saw [00:20:10] God
[00:20:10] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: in a memory, you know, Jesus in the memory, like, you know, one of them was in a classroom and Jesus was at the [00:20:15] desk instead of my teacher. And, you know, it was just amazing to see like God jumping on it you [00:20:20] know, and God wanting to be involved in the process. and um, and like I said, that was really helpful for me, you know, [00:20:25] having the culture wall, the doctrine wall in my heart, just helpful to see like, Oh, God's in this, you [00:20:30] know, he's, he, he wants to be part of it. And, uh, like I said, the, the fruit speaks for itself.
[00:20:34] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:20:35] yeah.
[00:20:35] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. And I know we're moving into some Q and a here coming up quick, but I will just [00:20:40] throw this in. Um, there are times where someone will open up space for Jesus. [00:20:45] And from, from my theological standpoint, Jesus is speaking constantly. [00:20:50] He's revealing himself constantly. There's often blockages in our own hearts and minds.
[00:20:54] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And that often has a [00:20:55] lot to do with compassion. Believing that God would reveal himself. So if [00:21:00] you're listening to this and you're like, Hey, I've tried it. And God didn't reveal himself. It's similar to like when an [00:21:05] atheist says, you know, I tried to seek Jesus and he didn't reveal himself to me. It's like, maybe you don't quite know what you [00:21:10] were looking for.
[00:21:10] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Cause it's possible that he was, and you didn't see
[00:21:13] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: it
[00:21:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: wow.
[00:21:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:21:15] Yeah. Yeah. Dang. That's a good point
[00:21:17] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah, I think, I think that's a good point is I need to [00:21:20] end it
[00:21:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: on. That was perfect, man. Um,
[00:21:22] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: and, and, maybe the last thing we'll say is, [00:21:25] uh, if,
[00:21:25] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: if you're interested in inner child work, number one,
[00:21:28] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: obviously we're, we're [00:21:30] referencing our own program because that's something we do here. Um, but
[00:21:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: there are other people who are
[00:21:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: well equipped
[00:21:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:21:35] with it. Um, I know Eddie Caporucci, uh, we're both big fans of his and he wrote a book [00:21:40] all about inner
[00:21:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: child work for
[00:21:42] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: people, for men going through
[00:21:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: sexual sin, [00:21:45] um, and sexual misbehavior. So if
[00:21:47] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: you are in that camp, um, and you want to go check out a
[00:21:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: resource, [00:21:50] uh, going deeper, is
[00:21:51] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: going deeper. Yeah. and he's got, he has to train, train professionals who know how [00:21:55] to do it as well. He's got a website for who you can connect with, which is cool.
[00:21:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Oh, [00:22:00] perfect. Okay, great. Yeah, so we'll make sure there's links in the show notes to all
[00:22:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: that. Um, but you guys can go check it out.
[00:22:04] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:22:05] Yeah, going deeper is a little easier to spell than
[00:22:06] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Eddie Capparucci.
[00:22:07] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah.
[00:22:09] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:22:10] Yeah. Yeah.
[00:22:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: to you, [00:22:15] man. We're ready
[00:22:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: for some questions
[00:22:17] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: Question one is from Rory from Tennessee, [00:22:20] USA. I want to know if true freedom
[00:22:22] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: is possible. Not the freedom where I [00:22:25] avoid the beach and the
[00:22:25] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: gym and struggle not to look or lust out
[00:22:28] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: in public, [00:22:30] freedom where it's no longer a thought or temptation and I only have eyes for my [00:22:35] wife. Is that possible for everyone?
[00:22:36] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Wow. That's a great question. I mean, the short answer [00:22:40] is yes, absolutely. You know, that's, that's what this whole thing is about. And I, I
[00:22:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:22:45] wondered the
[00:22:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: same question myself, you know, I remember, um, I remember
[00:22:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: those days [00:22:50] where you've been trying for years
[00:22:51] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: and you feel like you've
[00:22:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: made progress and then, you know,
[00:22:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:22:55] um, you end up.
[00:22:55] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Having a fantasy about someone or, you know, I, I don't live in a [00:23:00] super huge city. So you run
[00:23:01] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: into
[00:23:01] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: your ex And it
[00:23:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: triggers all this stuff. Or, you know, like I, I had those [00:23:05] days and I had those moments. Um, I would, I
[00:23:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: would say there's
[00:23:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: a couple of
[00:23:09] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: interesting [00:23:10] things in the
[00:23:10] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: question that
[00:23:11] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: I would like to
[00:23:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: point out.
[00:23:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Number one
[00:23:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: is it's a [00:23:15] very tricky sentence to say to only have eyes for my wife.
[00:23:18] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: We probably need to unpack [00:23:20] that one a little bit. So. I would say I have, I only have
[00:23:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: eyes for my wife, [00:23:25] um, in the sense
[00:23:25] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: of she's really the
[00:23:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: only person that I
[00:23:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: have any sexual kind of relationship with, [00:23:30] um, And at, at this point, you know, I've been, I've been,
[00:23:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: free for eight
[00:23:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: years, [00:23:35] she's the
[00:23:35] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: only person I have any
[00:23:36] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: kind of sexual thoughts about or towards as well, so [00:23:40] it's taken time to get there.
[00:23:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: It wasn't
[00:23:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: always like that. And prior to
[00:23:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: meeting
[00:23:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Shaloma, that was [00:23:45] something I really struggled with my, my, um, um, My brain got really good [00:23:50] at contriving
[00:23:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: fantasies very quickly, and I could I could almost picture whatever I wanted to [00:23:55] if I
[00:23:55] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: if I wanted to, um, so that has taken time to get to [00:24:00] that
[00:24:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: being said, you know, my wife and I were just at a resort a couple weeks
[00:24:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: ago.
[00:24:04] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:24:05] And we love being on the beach. We love being with the ocean. And with that comes
[00:24:08] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: tons of skin, [00:24:10] you know, girls in bikinis and guys, and, uh, you
[00:24:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: know,
[00:24:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: probably a little
[00:24:13] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: bit less filling that they should be [00:24:15] into some of them. Um, but I don't know, how a banana hammock ever became a thing, but I'll, I'll,
[00:24:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: just leave it [00:24:20] there.
[00:24:20] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Um, but, uh, But, you know the, the, it's [00:24:25] okay to, to say like, oh,
[00:24:26] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: wow, that's, that's a beautiful girl or,
[00:24:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: you
[00:24:28] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: know, like my wife
[00:24:28] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: and I are sometimes we're like, [00:24:30] wow, you know, she works out, you know, she'll even say that to me
[00:24:31] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: sometimes. Um, but then it's just
[00:24:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: it's just a, it's a [00:24:35] thing and we move on and I still only have eyes for my wife in an actual [00:24:40] romantic or sexual
[00:24:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: kind of way.
[00:24:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: So I think that that'd be
[00:24:43] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: one thing I'll say is like. [00:24:45] On
[00:24:45] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: the beach is definitely harder for
[00:24:46] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: me, you know, just being transparent. Like it, I have to be a [00:24:50] lot more concentrated sometimes even where we locate on the beach is [00:24:55] intentional. Um, because I want to, I want to really enjoy myself there and I don't
[00:24:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: want to have like a [00:25:00] swivel head.
[00:25:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Um, but again. What I want to make sure we're [00:25:05] not losing here is
[00:25:06] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: The fact that you will see other women and find them [00:25:10] attractive. And that doesn't mean you don't have eyes for your wife. You can't shut off [00:25:15] that part of you. There's no
[00:25:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: such thing as, you know, training your brain where it's like, Oh, I only see my
[00:25:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: wife [00:25:20] as attractive and nobody else.
[00:25:22] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Um, as far as like just
[00:25:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: initial raw [00:25:25] physical attraction. But I will say there's nobody more attractive in the world than my wife. [00:25:30] Nobody
[00:25:30] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: can compete with her. Um, and it's not just because of her physical beauty, but it's because she [00:25:35] and I have that, that emotional connection. We have that spiritual connection and that's what I think it [00:25:40] means to have eyes for your wife.
[00:25:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: So I think that's the first thing I wanted to point out, um, [00:25:45] is we're, we're not trying to never have those, those thoughts or never have the temptations. [00:25:50] It's more that we want to,
[00:25:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: uh, you know, be so in love with our wife that that's where our, [00:25:55] our energy is
[00:25:55] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: channeled, you know, sexually and romantically. Um, but not, [00:26:00] not trying to suppress
[00:26:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: this part of us that finds other people attractive.
[00:26:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: That's just there. And the other thing that [00:26:05] I'll add, um, and then Sean, I'd love to hear your thoughts. You know, in Hebrews 4, it talks about how Jesus was [00:26:10] tempted in every way. And at the same time in Matthew 6, Jesus taught us to [00:26:15] pray, lead us not into temptation. So it's fascinating to think Jesus [00:26:20] prayed, lead us, or Jesus taught us to pray, rather lead us not into temptation.
[00:26:23] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Uh, but then at the same [00:26:25] time, Jesus was still tempted in every way. And what that tells me is that you can do [00:26:30] everything to avoid temptation and to set yourself up for success. Um, but it's [00:26:35] still probably going to happen along the way. And so it actually takes a stronger person [00:26:40] to experience a temptation, temptation and get through it on the other side.
[00:26:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Without [00:26:45] any sin, just as Jesus did. He was tempted in every way, but was without sin. That's what Hebrews 4. 15 [00:26:50] says. That actually takes more strength than somebody who says, Oh, I don't get tempted and I [00:26:55] just avoid temptation at all costs. So just to cast a little bit of vision for what the real goal is [00:27:00] here.
[00:27:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: There's great maturity in being able to manage those temptations also.
[00:27:04] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:27:05] Yeah. Yeah.
[00:27:05] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So good. Um, I'll touch on maybe some one [00:27:10] point from from that as well and look at like, I think it's helpful [00:27:15] to differentiate. I know you've done that to Sophia, like sobriety versus freedom [00:27:20] or, you know, sometimes when somebody is sober, but still living in places of [00:27:25] bondage where they can't. Go to the beach, or they can't have a phone.
[00:27:27] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Um, call that more like [00:27:30] dry, drunk. It's, it's, it's just challenging when we, when you use terms like [00:27:35] freedom, because then we have an expectation that it should be better. We should be further. We shouldn't be tempted. [00:27:40] So I always want guys to be careful with the language that they're using. Um, but when I think [00:27:45] about in, in my own life, if I Find another woman attractive [00:27:50] and it goes further than just acknowledging her as beautiful.
[00:27:53] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I wouldn't say it gets to the point of [00:27:55] sexual fantasy by any means in this season of my life. But if it goes further as a [00:28:00] double take or wondering things about her, it's kind of that idea. Scripture says the [00:28:05] eyes are a gateway to our soul. It's like. Where are you insecure right now? Where are you and your wife [00:28:10] not communicating right now?
[00:28:11] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: How are things in your sex life? It begins to [00:28:15] show us and reveal to us that we have insecurities about our own life, about our own [00:28:20] relationships, and the idea of temptations or triggers. Um, they're, they're kind of like [00:28:25] prophets. They're trying to tell us something, trying to get our attention. So if we can see it from that vantage point, that's [00:28:30] actually what leads us to freedom.
[00:28:31] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: You know, we, we fill those voids of insecurities and realize like I [00:28:35] live in the Czech Republic. Now, Czech Republic is full of beautiful women. It was like literally like a dream of [00:28:40] mine as a teenager to marry a Czech woman because they're so beautiful. And I, and I have, but now [00:28:45] I live here and the Czech women have.
[00:28:46] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Very specific body types. Very beautiful. Fit my [00:28:50] arousal
[00:28:50] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: template perfectly, but because of the work that I've been able to do when I'm in this country, I'd say 95 [00:28:55] percent of
[00:28:55] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: the time when I see a beautiful woman that would
[00:28:57] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: meet my arousal template, I actually get [00:29:00] to rest in the calling as
[00:29:01] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: to what I'm here for.
[00:29:03] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: And it's to be a safe man
[00:29:04] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: [00:29:05] for women because this country is full of misogyny. So I actually remind myself that that [00:29:10] woman needs to see a safe
[00:29:11] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: man. And I get to be that person because I'm not [00:29:15] insecure.
[00:29:15] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: that's so good. There is, there's also you recording a scripture
[00:29:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: about the eyes are [00:29:20] the window of the soul. And there's
[00:29:22] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: another scripture I actually shared about this one [00:29:25] time on the podcast. We got
[00:29:25] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: a lot of comments about it. Um, but
[00:29:28] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: somewhere it says that it's the [00:29:30] beauty, the, it's the glory
[00:29:32] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: of, or the hair of a woman is beautiful.
[00:29:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Is her glory, [00:29:35] something to that
[00:29:35] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: effect, or is her beauty. And so I
[00:29:37] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: know that's another little thing that
[00:29:39] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: really helps me [00:29:40] sometimes in those environments is just, um, directing my attention to the hair of the woman. It sounds really
[00:29:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:29:45] weird. Um, but it, it, it was
[00:29:47] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: really helpful. So you can take it for
[00:29:48] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: what it's worth, but
[00:29:49] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: that's a great [00:29:50] question. And
[00:29:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: yes, freedom is possible for
[00:29:51] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: everyone. 100%. Um, yeah, Sheldon and I [00:29:55] both, I both experienced it and witnessed it. So definitely possible.
[00:29:58] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. I'm six and a half years. You're [00:30:00] eight. So that's a lot of freedom right there.
[00:30:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah,
[00:30:02] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: exactly. Exactly.
[00:30:04] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: The second [00:30:05] question is from George in the UK.
[00:30:07] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: Could porn addiction be a consequence of other
[00:30:09] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: [00:30:10] habits that need to be addressed
[00:30:11] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: first to solve the issue? And what if [00:30:15] we solve the porn
[00:30:16] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: addiction, issue? Can other habits
[00:30:18] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: emerge in its [00:30:20] place?
[00:30:21] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: What is the reason people get into this bad habit? And why is
[00:30:24] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: [00:30:25] difficult to break when we know it's bad for us
[00:30:27] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: and
[00:30:27] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: others?
[00:30:28] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Okay. Yeah. [00:30:30] So it sounds like there's two questions here. So could, could porn addiction be a consequence of other habits? [00:30:35] And then also if you solve porn addiction, do other bad, [00:30:40] could other bad habits emerge in its place? Um, I I, am I answering, [00:30:45] I'm getting that right, I think. Um, So these are actually really good questions. Um, I [00:30:50] will, I will talk about, uh, the first one here, um, and Sean, I'll let you take the [00:30:55] next. So, um, could porn addiction be a consequence of other habits that need to be addressed first to solve the issue? [00:31:00] It's definitely possible. Um, you know, and I, I don't want to rule that out. [00:31:05] I would say generally the key in, in all of this is to [00:31:10] get to the heart of the issue, get to the roots of the issue. So we'll use a really [00:31:15] extreme example. If you're addicted to pornography. and you're also addicted to cocaine [00:31:20] and we're trying to figure out, okay, what, what came first, like chicken And the egg, [00:31:25] was it the porn addiction first or the cocaine addiction? I don't think it matters a lot. [00:31:30] I think what matters more is do you have a system to get to the roots of [00:31:35] one of those issues? Because if you get to the roots of one, you typically get [00:31:40] to the roots of the other. Um, I was just building out a bunch of content around nice guy [00:31:45] syndrome and The interesting thing that I've observed is number one, a lot of [00:31:50] porn addicts struggle with nice guy syndrome. Um, they, they're very parallel that way, [00:31:55] whether your approach is, okay, I'm going to, I need to kind of tackle this nice guy [00:32:00] syndrome or your approach is I need to quit pornography. What's likely to happen is [00:32:05] as you solve the root issues for one. You inherently solve the issues for the other. [00:32:10] Um, so behavioral issues often come from the same root system. It's very rare that you have multiple root [00:32:15] systems at play. It can be, it can be the case where you have one big root system that is [00:32:20] feeding or fueling multiple different, you know, trees in the garden or whatever if you want to run with the [00:32:25] metaphor. Um, but the, the key here is that you're getting to the roots of the issue. [00:32:30] And I will say, Going back to the example of cocaine addiction and a porn [00:32:35] addiction again, not trying to compare like which one's worse or all that kind of stuff, because that's just a very [00:32:40] complicated and probably a futile question to answer. [00:32:45] The nature of porn addiction is that it deals with the self. It deals with [00:32:50] your sexuality. Um, it's very core to the individual. And I do [00:32:55] believe that porn addiction and getting to the root specifically of porn addiction, there's just, [00:33:00] there's unusual and unique clues that you get in solving porn addiction. That you [00:33:05] may not get trying to tackle the roots of other bad habits that might be in your life. So [00:33:10] I would personally recommend like if porn addiction is at play, you want to actually see that as an [00:33:15] opportunity. It's your greatest opportunity for healing and for, for [00:33:20] wholeness, because porn addiction actually encompasses so much of your being, so much of your [00:33:25] relationships.
[00:33:25] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And if you are willing to do the work to get to the roots of the issues of porn addiction, You [00:33:30] can pretty much be guaranteed that you will see better results in all the other areas where you might have [00:33:35] some issues or some bad habits and that kind of thing.
[00:33:38] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Really good. [00:33:40] Yeah. And I think my, my answer is very similar. I think the second question, if I'm getting it [00:33:45] right for which one was for me is, um, if we solve the addiction of pornography, um, can other bad [00:33:50] habits emerge? Is that the one that I'm
[00:33:51] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: tackling?
[00:33:52] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:33:53] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah, totally. Yeah. [00:33:55] of course. So, so there's kind of a, an understanding we need to have here.
[00:33:58] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So the word [00:34:00] solve would be the word that I would want to highlight. So if you solve porn addiction, [00:34:05] that word to someone other than me might mean like more of a dry drunk [00:34:10] sobriety, like they're able to abstain from porn addiction. But then they find themselves eating [00:34:15] more and watching more Netflix. It's like that word solve wasn't the word solve.
[00:34:19] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: It's [00:34:20] like nowadays, like gentle parenting. It's not gentle parenting. It's passive parenting, right? It's very [00:34:25] important that we get our language right. So the word solve would be very much what Sathya is, talking about. we get to the [00:34:30] roots, you get to the roots of your problem with porn addiction. You're going to get the roots of your problems [00:34:35] with pretty much any bad habit.
[00:34:36] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: It doesn't mean you're not going to be vulnerable to sin and having some, some, [00:34:40] some. Bad habits out of programming and whatnot, but if you're going to solve porn addiction, you're [00:34:45] naturally going to solve the roots of a lot of other issues. And yeah, you know, I obviously [00:34:50] the, you know, let's say once a couple of times a month, I'll make the choice to stay up later than I wish I [00:34:55] would watch an extra movie with my wife.
[00:34:57] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: That would be like a bad habit that I've formed, but like [00:35:00] on the grand scheme of things, it's not that bad. And it's sometimes it's like, cause we don't have that much time because we [00:35:05] have two kids now. So we want to ask ourselves, what is solving mean? Because if it's [00:35:10] solved, then you shouldn't have a lot of bad habits that form and
[00:35:13] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: then [00:35:15] realizing that I've kind of talked to guys like there is sort of this cascade of learning [00:35:20] how to cope.
[00:35:20] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So if somebody is used to using porn addiction to cope, they might quit porn and [00:35:25] they might
[00:35:25] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: find themselves eating a little bit worse for, I would say, let's say a month. [00:35:30] If you're a healthy person, you'll catch that and you'll
[00:35:32] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: tweak it. You'll catch that and you'll tweak it. You might, you might [00:35:35] addiction hop for a couple weeks or a month, but the healthy person catches it and then makes the tweak.
[00:35:39] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: So that would be the thing that [00:35:40] I'd be looking out for if you are quote unquote solving the porn addiction problem, but you're
[00:35:44] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: finding yourself in [00:35:45] another struggle
[00:35:45] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: for 6 months, 12 months.
[00:35:47] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: It's very clear that there's some roots that are
[00:35:49] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: still [00:35:50] there.
[00:35:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah. Yeah. I, like it and I, agree. I, I, I was just gonna, I [00:35:55] was just reading through this question here and I, I saw that he also asked like why. Is this [00:36:00] a difficult habit to break when we know it's bad for us
[00:36:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: and others? And I I think [00:36:05] it's just worth
[00:36:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: commenting, you know, when we talk about getting to the roots We're talking about matters of the heart [00:36:10] and I think often people people
[00:36:12] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: have tried to logic themselves into freedom [00:36:15] You know, which is that like, oh, I know
[00:36:16] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: this is bad.
[00:36:17] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: We know that The porn industry is the marketing department [00:36:20] for sex trafficking. And we know the terrible conditions some of these videos are filmed in [00:36:25] and all that kind of stuff. I think it definitely, it can be helpful to know those things And it can [00:36:30] definitely, you know, it can agitate things a little bit in the right direction.
[00:36:33] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: But I think, um, [00:36:35] the reality is the reason we watch pornography and have other bad habits, they're not [00:36:40] logical in nature. It's, it's much more emotional, more of the heart. So if you take the advice [00:36:45] that we're giving you here, George, and you get more to the roots of the issue, you're willing to kind of [00:36:50] undergo that heart transformation.
[00:36:51] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Um, a lot of, a lot of these other things will
[00:36:54] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: start to take care [00:36:55] of themselves,
[00:36:56] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: This is question three from Charlie in Massachusetts, [00:37:00]
[00:37:00] riverside_oskar_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0043: USA. How do you become a true brother to a sister? How do you know [00:37:05] how to court a potential wife? And how do you know when the relationship with her is ready [00:37:10] for marriage?
[00:37:11] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: right? So this is like the classic, Hey, I'm single. And how do [00:37:15] I handle relationships with the opposite sex? Um, so [00:37:20] how do you be a true brother or sister? This is such a good question because I think a lot [00:37:25] of us are mistaken that this is a really black and white thing. I remember one of my, [00:37:30] she was actually the director at my ministry school. And she said, when it comes to [00:37:35] opposite sex friendships prior to marriage, there's always a potential for [00:37:40] romance. And I thought that was such a weird statement. Like, what are you talking about? You know, [00:37:45] like, I can show you all the girls that I am friends with, and I can assure you there's nothing romantic going on here.[00:37:50]
[00:37:50] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And she's like, right, and what's going on for them? And I was like, oh, I don't know. I never, I never really thought about it. You know, kind of [00:37:55] ignorant single guy. Um, and she was like, even if there, even if there's nothing there [00:38:00] on either side, She, the point she was making is there could be at some point, there [00:38:05] could be at some point.
[00:38:05] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: So I think, um, rather than being super black and white about it, I think [00:38:10] it's important to acknowledge that, you know, sometimes people end up marrying someone [00:38:15] that they were friends with for years, you know, sometimes it's friends at a distance. Sometimes they were best friends for [00:38:20] years. So I don't, I don't know that it's helpful to be super like, okay, she's just [00:38:25] a sister and whatever, whatever.
[00:38:26] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Um, So I think I would start there. Number one is if [00:38:30] if you're single and you're in that position and you there are women in your life and you're building friendships with them and [00:38:35] you're trying to figure out what is this? Um, number one is you can [00:38:40] have what Danny silk calls a DTR, which is defining the relationship.
[00:38:44] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: So [00:38:45] that's that's for maybe friendships where there's like some murkiness and you want to kind of bring some clarity on what is this? [00:38:50] Um, and you have to know what you want and how you see it. So that would be my next thing is like, okay. [00:38:55] In in those relationships where you're like if this is just a sister Um, you want to make it really [00:39:00] clear And you want to make sure that your conduct and your language is communicating [00:39:05] that that's all that you see Um, because a lot of guys get themselves into trouble [00:39:10] And they, they play the innocent card and they say, I wasn't really doing anything.
[00:39:14] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And all of a [00:39:15] sudden, you know, there's all these expectations. It's like, okay, well, you know, tell me about your interactions. It's like, well, you know, [00:39:20] we talk on the phone sometimes like, okay, how long? Well, it depends sometimes a few minutes, sometimes an hour or [00:39:25] two. And it's like, okay, that's.
[00:39:26] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Mm
[00:39:27] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: You know, and it's like, Oh yeah, we hang out one on one all the [00:39:30] time.
[00:39:30] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And you know, sometimes she comes to my place or whatever. And again, like these are all just little things [00:39:35] that communicate something different than just a brother, sister, kind of a brother, sister [00:39:40] in Christ. I'm assuming what, that's.
[00:39:41] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: what the language is there. Uh, but a friendship kind of relationship. [00:39:45] So, uh, that's the first thing, Sean, you want to add anything or you
[00:39:47] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: want to tackle one of those other parts?
[00:39:49] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I'll just add to [00:39:50] that. Feel free to keep going, man. You're on a roll, but, uh, it's, the thing that comes to my mind with what you're [00:39:55] saying is that if we do want to explore that with [00:40:00] different opinions, if you do want to try and be a quote unquote true brother to a sister, I think, and this will go [00:40:05] into the other answer from what I would share of how do you court somebody, it's like, You want to be [00:40:10] very clear with them if you start to have feelings, you don't want to, yeah, get yourself into that murky water [00:40:15] because you weren't honest, you cowarded, you were in weakness.
[00:40:18] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Like if you're going to do that, [00:40:20] do it from a place of full transparency. Um, and that's where it often gets murky where guys are just kind [00:40:25] of maybe a bit embarrassed or they're afraid of the rejection. So they just keep it going and keep it [00:40:30] going. And
[00:40:30] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: unfortunately that's often what leads to a lot more hurt.
[00:40:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Yeah. [00:40:35] Yeah. yeah. I, I agree. Um, and I
[00:40:38] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: think, yeah. [00:40:40] what do you think about like,
[00:40:40] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: the court language? I, that's not something that we ever use. I know there's some people who are like, [00:40:45] you know, we're not dating, recording. Um. So again, I just don't get [00:40:50] too in your head about this like, like, Sean's saying, if you're interested in someone, just make it clear, you know, [00:40:55] but that's part of the guy's role
[00:40:56] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: is, is to at least make it known, like, I think girls
[00:40:59] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: don't, [00:41:00] they don't like the ambiguity, they don't like the uncertainty and you're much less likely to get what you [00:41:05] want, Um, out of the situation if you're
[00:41:07] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: not, you know, putting yourself out there and showing [00:41:10] how you feel about someone, um, Yeah, So it's really good. And then the last [00:41:15] thing he asks is how do you know when your relationship with her is ready for marriage? And I am seeing, it looks like [00:41:20] he did mention in his app, uh, his form rather, um, that he's been through a divorce. [00:41:25] And so, um, so this is a, this is a twofold question [00:41:30] is, um, number one is you want to pay attention to your readiness.
[00:41:34] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And [00:41:35] Sean and I and Oster, you're not too far behind us, but we're, we're kind of at that stage where unfortunately [00:41:40] we start to see people getting divorced, right? It's kind of weird, you know, like all, you go to all these weddings in your twenties [00:41:45] and then in your thirties, some of them don't last. Um, so the biggest thing that I see in [00:41:50] people who are going through divorce and, and I've, I've not that this has just happened with some of my friends and [00:41:55] whatever, uh, I've seen it other or in other places is they just jump in way too [00:42:00] quickly.
[00:42:00] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: And. I just don't really understand what the rush is to remarry when [00:42:05] divorce is really traumatizing and a lot of people come out of divorce, [00:42:10] um, you know, being like, you know, I think that I'm feeling better. I feel more free. Some [00:42:15] people come out of divorce and they start making better decisions for themselves, whether it's physically or otherwise.
[00:42:19] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: [00:42:20] Um, And because of that, they feel like, yeah, I'm ready relationally as well. But a [00:42:25] relationship is really different. You're now bringing in a lot of history with you. And [00:42:30] I always like to see people who have been through a divorce, really working on themselves, [00:42:35] really going through that. Um, and just putting in the time and effort that it takes to heal [00:42:40] from something as traumatizing as divorce.
[00:42:42] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Um, so that you are, You're [00:42:45] not coming in. You're not going to come in perfect into another relationship, but that you've at [00:42:50] least like tackled some of the big things you have momentum going in the right direction [00:42:55] and in your heart, not just legally and logistically, but in [00:43:00] your heart of hearts, there's actually been.
[00:43:03] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: Resolution, you know, [00:43:05] and some processing and an ability to kind of move forward a little bit in [00:43:10] life. So that would be my big recommendation. Just, just knowing that part of your story, Charlie, I think it's a really [00:43:15] good question. And again, you know, the fact you're asking this question shows how much you care [00:43:20] about, uh, this person, if there is a person, or maybe this is hypothetical, but also about getting married again [00:43:25] one day.
[00:43:25] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: I think it's good to have that care for it. And I think I'd be really making sure that you're. Taking care of [00:43:30] yourself and and recovering from the things you've been
[00:43:32] riverside_sathiya_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0038: through.
[00:43:32] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: Yeah. Yeah.
[00:43:33] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: I'd love to just chime in [00:43:35] with one example from a client. He was recently divorced [00:43:40] and we started to explore the areas of what he needs in that [00:43:45] season. And what became very, very clear is that he had a lot of [00:43:50] wants. That were attached to the need. So what he needed was companionship, [00:43:55] intimacy, friendship, fill in the blanks.
[00:43:58] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: But what he wanted was another [00:44:00] wife, for example, and it's like, man, what you need is beautiful and God really [00:44:05] cares about that. But what if you are in a season where God wants you to get companionship and intimacy from like [00:44:10] playing basketball with some guys on a Friday night, right? We really want to get clear with [00:44:15] the Lord.
[00:44:15] riverside_shawn_bonneteau_raw-video-cfr_sathiya's_studio_0037: The Lord cares more about our needs because when our needs get filled. our [00:44:20] wants begin to align with what God wants. So I just really encourage you, Charlie, to think about that and [00:44:25] come and I'm, I'm a 31 year old punk compared to like what you're going through. I haven't gone through that. So I say that with a lot of [00:44:30] sensitivity, but I think that's a crucial thing when we go through tragedy and [00:44:35] turmoil and our lamenting is to ask ourselves, is this a need or is this a [00:44:40] want?
[00:44:40] Sathiya: Yeah, and we do have clients who come to us that are on [00:44:45] second third fourth marriages and it's because of that [00:44:50] thing you've just articulated which is Marriage is the thing they wanted they wanted to be with another [00:44:55] person. They wanted to start having sex again, like whatever it is But it's all [00:45:00] really just a manifestation of those deeper needs that they still have not figured out how to meet appropriately and, [00:45:05] you know, we're able to help them with that a little bit, but it would be a lot cleaner if they were just willing to do that work [00:45:10] first and then get into another relationship.
[00:45:12] Shawn: Yeah. Amen. Yep.
[00:45:13] Shawn: Well [00:45:15] said.
[00:45:15] Sathiya: that's amazing. Well, guys, thanks so much for listening. Look, if you have questions that you want to get answered [00:45:20] on the show, whether in this format or one day when we start doing live coaching, there's a link in the show notes. [00:45:25] Um, ask your questions and make sure you're sharing this. Uh, that's the way that we spread the word.[00:45:30]
[00:45:30] Sathiya: So that we get to change more lives and, hopefully we were able to do that with you today as well. [00:45:35] Thanks so much for listening. Stay clean, guys. We'll talk soon. Bye bye. [00:45:40] [00:45:45] [00:45:50] [00:45:55] [00:46:00] [00:46:05] [00:46:10] [00:46:15] [00:46:20] [00:46:25] [00:46:30] [00:46:35] [00:46:40] [00:46:45] [00:46:50] [00:46:55] [00:47:00] [00:47:05]
