758 - How To Protect Your Relationship While In Recovery
===
[00:00:00] [00:00:05] [00:00:10] [00:00:15] [00:00:20] [00:00:25] [00:00:30] Yo, yo, what's up my man? It's the Thea Sam here. Welcome to Unleash the Man Within. I'm your [00:00:35] host and I'm so glad that you took in a couple moments to listen to our podcast today. [00:00:40] Super excited to hear we're going to be talking about relationships and how to really take good [00:00:45] care of them while in recovery.
[00:00:46] This is a very Very important subject. We get [00:00:50] asked about it all the time and we're going to tackle it today. Head on. [00:00:55] If you're in a relationship or you want to be one day, listen up. Uh, we [00:01:00] got some really good stuff here now, uh, before I jump into that very, very quickly, I want to make sure that [00:01:05] you guys know I have a free resource section on my website.
[00:01:08] It's literally just [00:01:10] trainings. Booklets, one pagers. It's got a whole bunch of stuff [00:01:15] designed to help you walk in greater levels of freedom, greater levels of health. So if [00:01:20] you haven't made your way over there, or maybe it's been a while, make sure you go check that out. We've just uploaded some new [00:01:25] resources for this month that I think you'll find very interesting.
[00:01:28] And, um, and it's all there, [00:01:30] sethiasam. com slash resources, uh, go and check it out. [00:01:35] Uh, now without further ado, why don't we jump in? Let's get into our content today. [00:01:40] Uh, we work with a lot of guys who are married, dating, engaged, uh, [00:01:45] guys who are divorced as well and kind of on the mend, and we have a really good [00:01:50] contingent of single men as well, some of the most bachelors on the planet, [00:01:55] if I do say so myself, uh, some pretty incredible guys that, uh, that we get to work with.
[00:01:59] And [00:02:00] one of the questions that we always get asked is, Hey, you know, um, my wife doesn't know the extent of it. [00:02:05] How do I talk to her about it? Or my wife's really hurt by my porn addiction and you know, I'm getting some [00:02:10] help, but she still doesn't trust me. Or she still doesn't want to talk to me sometimes.
[00:02:13] If there's been a recent [00:02:15] blowout, you know, we we've kind of heard it all, um, rather than getting into, you know, [00:02:20] specifics on, on a situation. What I thought I would talk about today is a bit [00:02:25] broader spanning. And. That is just how to really take care of your [00:02:30] relationship while you're in recovery. What are some do's and don'ts?
[00:02:34] What are things that are [00:02:35] going to ensure that the relationship stays intact? Because the honest truth [00:02:40] is we've had clients who quit porn but they end up getting divorced, you know? And [00:02:45] sometimes that's just because things were too far gone and maybe the guy [00:02:50] cheated. And the wife couldn't forgive him or didn't want to forgive him or did forgive him but wanted to move [00:02:55] on and didn't want to be with him anymore.
[00:02:56] Um, and sometimes it's actually because [00:03:00] he focused so much on recovery. and not enough on his relationship. He kind [00:03:05] of figured I'll get recovered first and then I'll worry about the relationship. [00:03:10] And he wound up losing the relationship in the process. So I don't want you to make that [00:03:15] mistake, obviously.
[00:03:16] And what I actually want to do today is I want to give you some [00:03:20] guidelines for how to make sure that your relationship is healthy. And [00:03:25] getting better as you also recover and get better. And that's, that's kind of what we're going to [00:03:30] jump into today. So the first thing that I'll say, and this is probably the best [00:03:35] piece of advice I've ever given to a man in recovery is you need to share [00:03:40] progress.
[00:03:41] Regularly, you need to share progress [00:03:45] regularly, okay, your wife cannot, she cannot just hear [00:03:50] about this area of your life when you have a relapse. So if the only time you [00:03:55] let her in to this area and all that [00:04:00] comes with it, sexual health and you know, lust and pornography and all that stuff. [00:04:05] If the only time she hears you talk about it is when things are going bad, she is going to be [00:04:10] traumatized.
[00:04:10] And anytime you say, Hey, I need to talk to you about whatever, she's going to go, you know, and [00:04:15] maybe, maybe not even, maybe she's super gracious and she's super forgiving doesn't matter. [00:04:20] It doesn't change the fact that your wife deserves to hear about the good things that are happening as well, [00:04:25] right? She needs to get a comprehensive picture of this area of your [00:04:30] life, and that's not going to happen.
[00:04:32] If all you share with her is when you're struggling, [00:04:35] if all you share with her is when you had a catastrophe and now she needs to come in and help you clean it [00:04:40] up. So what we want to do is we want to have steady [00:04:45] communications where, where she's getting updates. She's hearing about how you're growing and how you're learning.
[00:04:49] And you know, [00:04:50] if the trust has really been broken, it doesn't mean that she's going to say, Oh my gosh, this is amazing. I'm so [00:04:55] proud of you. You know, she, she might be really skeptical and say, yeah, yeah, you know, that's. That's [00:05:00] cool. But maybe in the back of her head, she's saying, but I know he's probably going to have another slip sometime soon or whatever.[00:05:05]
[00:05:05] That doesn't matter. The point is the only way she's going to actually build trust [00:05:10] is if she gets the truth and for her to get the truth, she needs to see the whole picture. There's no truth [00:05:15] by omission here. If we're really going to rebuild trust in the relationship, she needs to [00:05:20] get a clear picture.
[00:05:21] Now here's the beautiful thing that happens. Okay. Let's say that you are [00:05:25] relapsing once every week. And when you, when you [00:05:30] relapse, you sit, sit her down and you say, Hey, I, um, I'm really sorry, but I actually failed [00:05:35] again last night. Look, number one, you frigging rock, man. Like that's that [00:05:40] in of itself is amazing that you carve some time out that you were willing to be transparent and [00:05:45] upfront.
[00:05:45] That's fantastic. So I'm not bashing that at all. What would [00:05:50] happen if the other six days of the week? She heard a little report just saying, Hey, I [00:05:55] didn't, I didn't slip at all today. And actually I barely fantasized or again, I don't know what the extent of the [00:06:00] detail is, but I barely had any, any issues with lust today.
[00:06:04] She can say, wow, wow, [00:06:05] honey, that's amazing. Now, again, if she hears that one day, that's amazing. If she hears it two [00:06:10] days, that's pretty dope. Three days, four days, five days. And then it's like, Hey, [00:06:15] you know what? Um, Hey, this is actually tough for me to say, but unfortunately yesterday I slipped. [00:06:20] Okay. Number one is she is not going to be as bothered because she heard you making all [00:06:25] this progress.
[00:06:26] Right. So she's like, okay, well, you had six really good days and you had one [00:06:30] one bad day and you may need to give that vision a little bit. Sure. But number two [00:06:35] is that she's actually getting a full picture now. And so now she knows [00:06:40] she's getting the truth. She knows she's getting the truth because you've been transparent when you failed and when you were [00:06:45] successful.
[00:06:46] And this I'm telling you, this works wonders. So to [00:06:50] protect your relationship while in recovery, number one, you need to have a regular Cadence for [00:06:55] communications. I think daily is actually really good early in recovery. Um, and I think [00:07:00] you could graduate that to weekly, bi weekly, monthly. It'll depend a little bit on [00:07:05] the season and where the struggles are and where the successes are as well.
[00:07:09] But you [00:07:10] gotta have a steady cadence of communication. Okay. Number two. [00:07:15] Number two way to protect your relationship while in recovery, build emotional [00:07:20] fitness, build emotional fitness. [00:07:25] Porn addicts hyper sexualize their relationships. [00:07:30] When you hyper sexualize your relationships, the wife [00:07:35] loses the ability to connect with you emotionally.
[00:07:39] And that's what [00:07:40] she needs primarily, which is why sex lives always suffer if pornography is [00:07:45] around long enough because eventually the wife says he is getting what he needs and what he wants. I'm not getting [00:07:50] any of it. Okay, here's the reality. You actually need emotional connection. The same [00:07:55] way your wife does.
[00:07:55] You both need emotional connection. That's, that's a more accurate statement. You need it differently [00:08:00] than she does. But here's, here's the point I'm making, okay? The reason you need emotional fitness is so [00:08:05] that you can cultivate Emotional connection with your wife on a regular basis, [00:08:10] and that is going to allow you to not only further your recovery [00:08:15] because the opposite of addiction is connection and building meaningful emotional [00:08:20] connection can really go a long way to satisfying the heart.
[00:08:22] And a satisfied heart, heart rarely [00:08:25] wanders. But number two, that is actually going to build more trust [00:08:30] and more health in the relationship. So if you're in a program or you're working [00:08:35] with somebody who's not building skills within you that allow you to do this and do it well, [00:08:40] run from them because they're, they might help you quit porn.
[00:08:43] They might help you get sober. [00:08:45] They're not going to help you have a holistic, comprehensive outcome where your [00:08:50] relationships are better, your faith life is better, obviously, your sexual health is better. [00:08:55] That's what we're after here. And so we want to have a steady cadence of communication [00:09:00] and we want to make sure that we are fostering emotional connection [00:09:05] on a regular basis.
[00:09:06] And you'll notice that both of these things require consistency. [00:09:10] Very, very important.
[00:09:11] The third way to protect your relationship while [00:09:15] in recovery is learn to speak your wife's love [00:09:20] language. And I'm telling you right now, men, if you learn how to do this [00:09:25] with some, again, with some regularity, daily, weekly, whatever it is, [00:09:30] she will love you so much more. The trust in your relationship will be so much better.
[00:09:34] And you [00:09:35] guys will have a much better sex life. If that is a part of the equation for you guys, I'm telling [00:09:40] you right now, this is mission critical, learn to speak her love language and make [00:09:45] an effort while you're in recovery to speak with her about what is going on. Now you will notice [00:09:50] in the advice I've given today.
[00:09:51] Only one of them is directly related to recovery and that is [00:09:55] giving her study updates But number two is building that emotional capacity that emotional [00:10:00] fitness and number three is learning to Show love to her in the ways [00:10:05] that she receives it the best you can go to the five love languages Dot com I think it is [00:10:10] Or you can just google five love languages There's a test you take it'll spit out the results tell her [00:10:15] that you want to do it.
[00:10:15] She'll be Thrilled. I promise you, even if the trust is decimated in the [00:10:20] relationship and she's ready to divorce you, if you ask, if you say, Hey, can you just, just humor me, [00:10:25] just fill this out. I just want to know, trust me, that'll give you, that'll give you very valuable [00:10:30] data that you can then translate into regular rhythms and practices where you show love to [00:10:35] her without any expectation of something in return.
[00:10:38] And that will go a very, [00:10:40] very long way. to keeping the relationship healthy, keeping it intact and not just [00:10:45] that, but actually making it stronger so that when you come out on top in recovery, you also [00:10:50] come out on top in your relationship. So guys, that's everything [00:10:55] for today. If you want more great resources, make sure you go to my free resource section.
[00:10:58] They're all there [00:11:00] available for you guys to download. However you please, as you wish, go and [00:11:05] do that. Um, and in the meantime, stay clean. We'll talk soon. Bye bye. [00:11:10] [00:11:15] [00:11:20] [00:11:25] [00:11:30] [00:11:35] [00:11:40] [00:11:45] [00:11:50] [00:11:55] [00:12:00] [00:12:05] [00:12:10] [00:12:15] [00:12:20] [00:12:25] [00:12:30] [00:12:35]
