So here's the million dollar question. How are men like us who work hard, have good motives and a God given purpose, supposed to fulfill the calling on our lives and the dreams in our hearts, all while establishing sexual integrity, thriving relationships and a meaningful connection with God? That is the question. And this podcast will give you the answers. My name is Sathiya Sam, welcome to unleash the man with them
what's up everybody. It's Sathiya Sam here, welcome to unleash the man within I hope you have an amazing day. And I don't normally do this. But I want to encourage you if you didn't listen to yesterday's interview with Jim Ramos. Go back and listen to it. It was really, really good. Jim is a colleague about somebody I really admire and respect. And I've just learned a ton from him. In the short time that we've been connected. It's only been a few months. And they had me on Man in the Arena. And I got to talk about the last relapse, which I think is their most downloaded episode of All Time. At least it was as of a week ago, which is crazy because they have like over 500 episodes, and they've been podcasting for years and years. So that's a pretty big deal. But more than that, he he really returned the favor interviewing on our podcast here on Least amount within. And I just think you'd really enjoy the interview. So go and check it out. But I I just kind of cut to the chase today because this subject what we're talking about is masturbation, okay, is one of the most common questions and topics that we see in our community and other communities around us. And I I totally get it like I think it's very easy to draw the line with porn and say porn is bad. Watching naked people, other naked people who are not your wife, bad. The reason masturbation is sort of in the middle is because number one, the Bible doesn't outright forbid it. Right? The Bible says like sexual immorality. For an occasion, like it's very clear about those things. It's clearly against those things rather. But I guess people kind of try to argue like, is masturbation really sexual immorality? So I would like to categorize this in in kind of three different ways. I think masturbation really exposes that the brain, generally in the recovery journey has three different states. One state is what can I get away with? The second state is, what can I tolerate? And the third state is what is most beneficial. So listen to that carefully. That's really, really important. Okay, the three states. So the first one is, what can I get away with? The second one is, what can I tolerate? And the third one most important one is what is the best for me? When I started in the recovery journey, I had primarily one filter. And that was stage one. Why can I get away with? So it was like, Okay, well, the Bible says you shouldn't have sex, but that's probably sexual intercourse. So I guess oral sex and other kinds of sex that aren't actually intercourse are tolerable or acceptable. So that that is stage one. Now, in case you didn't know, it's very hard to make any progress. When you ask, What can I get away with? That is like, it's like dribbling the ball in a basketball game. Around the boundary line, hoping you don't go out of bounds. It's like, well, I, I know I can't actually go out of the line. But I'm just going to try to get as close to it as possible without crossing it. And if I do cross it, it's okay, I'll just come back in the game. But you're like no dummy. The The idea is to score a basket. So once you start asking, What can I get away with your focus immediately goes in the opposite direction of your intent. Not a good place to be, I highly recommend you move forward. So I think I think if you're asking like what can I get away with like, I I know I can give up porn or I know I should give up porn, but I really don't want to give it about masturbation. If that's where you're at with the subject, and like, You're the problem. The problem is not the question is not whether or not masturbation is okay. The problem is you're trying to figure out what you can get away with. Number two, the second stages of what can I tolerate? And so this is where we we we usually find people is they know porn is bad. They're like, I would never tolerate porn, but masturbation. I mean, I Could I think if I masturbate occasionally it should be okay. And usually what I'll hear is married men will be like, well, if I'm picturing my wife is that, then it should be okay. Right? Because she's my wife, and you know, it's fine and whatever, whatever. So this is where a lot of people land, we kind of land in this middle ground. Some people say, Well, you know, masturbation is just, it's a much better way for me to relieve stress than losing my temper or doing something more destructive. Like it's not hurting anyone else. So why not do it? So this is sort of the middle ground. And this is where I spent a lot of years of recovery as well, it was kind of like, okay, yeah, I'm making progress. But like, oh, do I really have to get rid of this? Do I really have to, you know, like, it was just, it was always sort of like, making some progress, but not ready to fully part ways with some of the parts of my past, you know, it was that sort of thing. And so I could tell everybody, like, look at how much progress has taken place, look at the growth, but there was still more to be done that I was not allowing, in fact, I was consciously prohibiting it with my decision to just simply see what I could tolerate. So this, this category is a bit harder to describe, but I think you know what I mean, it's where you've made progress, but you're not necessarily fully detaching, you're not necessarily fully pursuing what's best. And that is the third and final stage, which is where we ask what is actually the best for me. Like, okay, I know that in theory, like, it's really hard to fault somebody for masturbating to their wife. hard to fault them, because it's their wife. They're there, right? Like you're not having an affair. You're not watching porn, like it's much better. Is it best? That is the question. And I cannot in any, in any angle, through any lens. I cannot justify masturbation when the question at hand is what is best for me. Because when I think about masturbation, masturbation really is so low intimacy. So God's designed for intimacy is of between man and woman. Right? So, context of marriage, you experienced sex, man and woman have sex in the context of marriage to parties, intimacy, the problem with porn is that you're introducing a third party, multiple third parties, right, depending on how many people are on that screen. But you're bringing in a third party, it violates the framework of God designed intimacy. Because it's not two parties anymore. It's three parties. And the problem with masturbation is that it is so low intimacy, you have now reduced it from two parties to one. Yes, if the, if I'm picturing my wife, then it's like two parties. No, it's not. It's you and your hand. You can imagine whatever you want, but they're not there. The The other issue with that approach is that you're actually objectifying your wife, which is really weird when you think about it. We are not to objectify anything. That's why Jesus said if you look at a woman lustfully, you've committed adultery in your heart. So the goal here is not to, like it's great if you can masturbate, and it's just your wife. Like that's an improvement. For sure. It's better than you imagining somebody else. It's better than you watching porn. I think I can, I can get on board on that sort of gradient. But it is not what's best for you. Because you are ultimately pleasuring yourself alone. Even if she's right next to you. She can be right next to you in the bed. Sex is meant for you to engage together, you're meant to connect, experience the intimacy together. So like somebody asked me one time like, hey, well, what if, like, sometimes my wife is tired, she doesn't really want to she's not in the mood. So what if I masturbate in the bed beside her? And obviously, I'm looking at her. I'm thinking about her. I'm like, Well, I suppose that's a pass. But is it what's best for you? Well, no, of course not. Okay. So the question is, now this is this is the important part. Okay.
I was at a I was on a cruise one time for it was a work cruise. And they had been brought in some of the top consultants in our network, to advise us on just how to grow our ministry and how to how to like kind of expand and grow what we were doing. And there were lots of businessmen in the in the, on the cruise and the group. In addition to all the ministry leaders of the ministry I was serving at the time. And one of the guys there by far the wealthiest person in the group very successful in his business, just incredible guy. And he gave a talk about company culture, and really what that looks like And he talked about how building company culture is not about what you are willing to stand for. It's about what you're unwilling to stand for. That's my language. That's actually pretty good. I should, I should write that down. But it was more about what he was you saying it's not so much about what you stand for, but what you will not stand for. And so he used some examples, and one of the guys was asking this question, this goes to the business owner as well. And he said, You know, I've had this position, my company that's open for a while, I can't find anybody. I have a couple of candidates, but I know, I know, they're not the perfect fit. But is it better for them to just get in there so that I'm not missing out on money. And you know, the company can at least continue to grow? You just not the best. And the guy's response was, Well, do you want a first class company? He was like, why? He's like, Well, yeah. Do you want a world class company? Or do you want a mediocre company? He's like, Well, I want a first class company, he's like, Well, then don't hire the mediocre people. And what he was saying is, if you're, if your desire is to pursue what's best, then don't ever tolerate a mediocre solution, a mediocre opportunity. And I'd like to suggest that for you, our our thinking around masturbation can often be that we attempt to try to find a way to justify it, or we think, Well, this is okay. It's not terrible. Sure, it's not great. It's okay. But let's always try to instead ask what is best for me? And, my friend, I cannot imagine a best case scenario for you. That involves masturbating. I just can't. For me, being single and free of porn and masturbation and choosing to not watch porn and choosing to not masturbate was so good for my sexuality, and for my psyche, that when I did get married, and I started having sex, I was in a completely different place. And I can tell you, the guys who thought masturbating was okay. gets totally muddled. It totally interferes with their sex life when they do get married. Now, you might think, well, I don't want to get married one day. Okay, that's fine. But is it best for you? That's, that's actually the question. Is it best for you? Could you enjoy life? Could you enjoy yourself? Could you get your needs met better if masturbation was out of the equation? That's the question I want you to answer. It's not about what can you get away with? It's not about what are we willing to tolerate? What we actually want to ask is, what is the absolute best for you, because my friend, that is what I want, I want the absolute best for you. And I'm pretty convinced it will not involve masturbation. Now, I welcome you to debate me on that. I know this is a bit of a highly charged subject. But that's my personal stance. And it's why we do help men resolve the root issues of porn, and masturbation because we know that when both of those are out of your life, your mentality is going to be a lot clearer, your relationships are going to be a lot stronger, your sexuality is going to be much more whole and your spirituality is going to be complete in a much in a much more RCT, it will be a lot more fulfilling, let's put it that way. Maybe not complete, but it will be much more fulfilling. So I hope that gives you some things to think about. As always, I welcome comments, you're welcome to Write me in. I'd be happy to hear from you. But I want to thank you guys so much for listening. I hope you have an amazing day. And I will talk to you guys very, very soon. Take care. Bye bye. Hey, everybody, it's the Theo again. Thanks for listening to unleash the man with him. I wanted to take a quick moment to let you know about a free ebook that I wrote for you called The Ultimate Guide to porn recovery. It provides a basic framework for the recovery process, and a few of my top tips completely free of charge. You can get it now at www dot ultimate recovery guide.com. That's www ultimate recovery guide.com. Now, if you've been impacted by the podcast, and you want to show some support in less than 60 seconds, there are three ways you can do that. First, you can leave a rating or review on your podcast platform. This lets people like you know that the content here is valuable. Secondly, you can share this episode with someone in your life that might benefit from the content. If you're passionate about helping other people experience freedom and success in their lives. This is one of the easiest ways to do that. And lastly, you can subscribe. I personally only listen to the podcasts that I subscribe to. If you're seeking daily encouragement, guidance and insight in your recovery journey. I highly recommend subscribing to unleash the man within. Thanks for listening. I look forward to connecting with you very, very soon.
The information opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast by Sathiya Sam and his guests are for general information only and should not be considered medical, clinical or any other form of professional advice. Any reliance on the information provided is done at your own risk.
