Speaker 1 (00:00:01) - So here's the million dollar question. How are men like us who work hard, have good motives and a God given purpose supposed to fulfill the calling on our lives and the dreams in our hearts, all while establishing sexual integrity, thriving relationships, and a meaningful connection with God. That is the question and this podcast will give you the answers. My name is Sathiya Sam. Welcome to Unleash the Man Within. Yo, yo, what is going on, bro? It's the same here. Welcome to Unleash the Man Within. Thank you so much for listening. Uh, man, I am, you know, at the time of this recording, uh, just spent a week with some friends. Um, I just actually had the literally the craziest week. Um, my little boy, Judah, two and a half months old. Um, and he was hospitalized with pneumonia in Jamaica. It was awful. And, um, you know, that kind of stuff can be fatal for a kid that's small and vulnerable.
Speaker 1 (00:01:07) - And by the grace of God, he. He turned around very quickly. Uh, we definitely had some frustrations with Jamaican health care and actually some really good things as well. Um, but he turned around quickly, and then, uh, we we had already booked a resort for a few days with a couple of friends and, uh, just had a really good time. So I'm feeling fresh, I'm feeling excited, and I'm super eager to jump into today's content. We're going to be talking about why your wife says you're a bad listener. Uh uh, yeah. Really important subject, actually. And so, um, lots of value. And if you're not married, um, but you would like to not be a bad listener when you do get married. Listen up. Okay. Uh, now, look, um, I've, I've mentioned this before. This show has grown quite a bit, and we owe all of that to you guys. The listeners, thank you so much for sharing the word and spreading this content.
Speaker 1 (00:02:00) - And if you are willing to continue to do that, it helps us so, so much. Uh, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. And we have some big projects on the go. I'm going to dedicate an episode, probably sometime in March, where I will explain a little bit more, just about some improvements we're going to be making here and some of the shifts and what you can expect as the listener. Uh, but it's going to get a whole lot better. We're going to take what we're doing and put it on steroids. And we are really, uh, going to start making a push here to to make some dents in some waves in the podcasting world. Um, you can help us. You can help us by leaving a rating on your platform. You can write a review if you want to be extra nice. Um, and otherwise, just sharing these episodes with people in your circles, that goes a really long way. Okay, let's jump into it. Let's talk a little bit about why your wife says you're a bad listener.
Speaker 1 (00:02:49) - So look, anybody who's been married has probably heard this at some point that, you know, um, your wife or your girlfriend or your fiance or somebody told you that you're not a good listener and you were shocked. Maybe. You know, I remember when I was dating my ex, so, gosh, we're going way back now. But I remember dating her, and I remember, um, we were we were hanging out with my friends, um, one day. And so she was getting to know my friends still in whatever. And the girls were all basically complaining about how their boyfriends, who are my friends, are bad listeners. And I remember, you know, they they asked my girlfriend point blank, they were like, hey, you know, what about Sathiya? Sathiya, good listener. And I remembered thinking like. I, I was honestly, I if I'm being honest, I was expecting her to say, oh he's amazing. And she gave a response that indicated that she thought I was a bad listener, but she didn't want to say that in front of my friends.
Speaker 1 (00:03:46) - And so she said like, yeah, you know, he's okay and whatever, whatever. But it was very clear that she thought I was a bad listener. And that experience is what, you know, it kind of represents what most men. Do and think. We all think that we're great listeners or, you know, decent listeners. And then we are always shocked to find out when our significant other says, no, you're bad listener. You know, you're you don't listen. You're you're not good at it or, you know, I always say things, but you don't understand and you don't listen. And, you know, sometimes it feels like you're checked out or, you know, whatever the feedback might be. If, if I were to, to ask. Couples. You know, if I surveyed a thousand couples and I said, you know, what's the one area that you would like to see improved in your relationship? More than anything else, I can guarantee you over 50% of them would say communication.
Speaker 1 (00:04:38) - You know, we just this is just a thing. It's it's it's a challenge. And we all know that if we were better in our communication, in our relationships, that the relationship itself would be stronger. Um, interestingly enough, there's actually a biological explanation for why men are not strong listeners. And, um, this is not a cop out, okay? We cannot use our biology to excuse dysfunctional or toxic behavior. And if you're a bad listener, then you need to become a better listener, you know? And I'm preaching to the choir here, Sathiya, you need to become a better listener to buddy. Uh, 100%. Absolutely. But understanding the basis sometimes of our challenges or our struggles can actually give us insight into the solution, right? If if we don't understand why we're bad listeners, then how do we become better listeners? Right. Like, you could go take a course on it or go to a seminar or listen to a podcast on, you know, do this and be a better listener.
Speaker 1 (00:05:46) - But the the solution that's being presented may not actually be solving the problem. You know, the real reason that you're a bad listener. So again, the the biology behind this is just to give you some understanding and to say, hey, maybe we can shift some things in your biology and that automatically might make you a better listener. Okay. So in a study with 122 men, it was shown that porn consumers experienced changes in their oxytocin AVP systems. Okay. Um, the AVP system is basically, um, how do I explain this? Oxytocin. We we've talked about this. We actually, um, we had Adam Lean Smith on on the podcast. He explains this much better than I can, but oxytocin is sort of the, um, the emotional bonding chemical, that system. Um, and. AVP or, you know, the V, the V stands for, uh, vasopressin. So, um, vasopressin and AVP is arguing vasopressin. It's a specific kind. Um, this peptide is associated with bonding as well, but it's from doing things.
Speaker 1 (00:06:57) - So oxytocin is more about emotional connection. Uh, vasopressin is more about doing things. And the key to longevity in a relationship is vasopressin bonding. So when when couples do things together, travel together, raise a family together, build a life together, when they do a renovation project together, which is not for everybody when they build Ikea furniture together, which is, again, not for everybody, but when when these things are done, um, that engages the AVP system. Okay. So that's why these things are relevant. All right. They're responsible for attachment. Now, what this study showed is that when there is a reduction in the oxytocin AVP systems, okay, so when there's a reduction in the basically attachment formation that, that on these, on these men's parts who are watching pornography, it actually reduces empathy. Now, let me ask you something. Have you ever received the feedback that you are not that you don't understand? No, but you don't understand. Like, I get this from my wife all the time.
Speaker 1 (00:08:06) - She's like, I don't care about your solution. I just want you to to listen to me, right? Like, don't solve my problem. And then I've gotten better at that. So now I don't I don't jump to solutions. I'm actually pretty good at that. But, um, when she explains her side of it, I go, yep, I say, that makes sense. And she she doesn't feel like that is enough evidence that I actually understand her. Even though I know that I understand her. I actually have to demonstrate that I understand her. Right. I have to say I have to say it back to her. So. So, babe, you're saying that when I do XYZ, it makes you feel this way, and and this is why it's a problem. Or, you know, whatever it is I have to say, I have to actually demonstrate that I understand. Otherwise she doesn't believe me. Okay, now this is all learned, and I guarantee you this is probably feedback that you guys have gotten as well in your relationships.
Speaker 1 (00:08:55) - But at the core, when when my wife is saying you don't understand, what she's saying is you have not shown me empathy, right? It's it's that I can understand how she feels and why she feels the way she feels. That's what she's looking for. So it's interesting to think that watching porn can actually have a biological impact that reduces our capacity for empathy. Now let's think about this a step further, okay? Because you have a reduction in empathy. So you you cannot listen as well. You cannot understand another person as well. It reduces the level of connection that you are capable of experiencing with that person. And what happens when you experience disconnect? Well, you resort to fast food connection, things like pornography. And now we have a vicious cycle. So the next time your wife says you're a bad listener, just blame your biology. Obviously not. That's a joke, okay? Don't blame your biology. Instead, what I'd like to suggest to you is, is that we want to make sure that forming healthy attachment and healing from our dysfunctional attachment is a part of the recovery process, because as we improve our attachment styles, we can offer more empathy.
Speaker 1 (00:10:08) - And if we can offer more, offer more empathy, we can form stronger connections. And if we can form stronger connections, we will have a a reduced appetite for things like pornography that offer us that kind of fake pseudo connection. So I'd like to suggest to you a couple of things. All right. The the first thing is that obviously quitting porn plays into this very well. Number two is if you're going to take this psychology therapy avenue, find somebody who specializes in attachment theory okay. We've had Jake Porter. He's got a whole team now I believe. Um, and they specialize in this kind of stuff. But there's lots of people if you if you want something local, you'll find somebody who focuses on on attachment theory, for sure. And the third thing I would say is, whatever you do in recovery, you want to make sure that your solution is one way or another, allowing you to form healthier relationships. Now, that might be, uh, in the context of community. It might be with a coach or, you know, a counselor, know right or wrong.
Speaker 1 (00:11:11) - But forming healthy bonds needs to be part of that solution. Otherwise, your wife will continue to say you're a bad listener, and I don't want that for you. I don't want it for me either. So like I said, I'm preaching to the choir here. Um, but all these things can really go a long way to improving your empathy capacity and making you a better listener in the process. So that's everything for today. Thank you so much for listening. Again, if you found value out of what we're providing here, please make sure that you spread the love. Share the word. In the meantime, appreciate you guys. Stay clean. Bye bye. Hey everybody, it's Kathy again. Thanks for listening to Unleash the Man Within. I wanted to take a quick moment to let you know about a free e-book that I wrote for you, called The Ultimate Guide to Porn Recovery. It provides a basic framework for the recovery process and a few of my top tips completely free of charge. You can get it now at Wal-Mart Recovery guide.com.
Speaker 1 (00:12:09) - That's w w w Ultimate Recovery Guide. Com. Now, if you've been impacted by the podcast and you want to show some support in less than 60s, there are three ways you can do that. First, you can leave a rating or review on your podcast platform. This lets people like you know that the content here is valuable. Secondly, you can share this episode with someone in your life that might benefit from the content. If you're passionate about helping other people experience freedom and success in their lives, this is one of the easiest ways to do that. And lastly, you can subscribe. I personally only listen to the podcast that I subscribe to. If you're seeking daily encouragement, guidance and insight in your recovery journey, I highly recommend subscribing. To unleash the man within. Thanks for listening. I look forward to connecting with you very, very soon.
Speaker 2 (00:12:58) - The information, opinions and recommendations presented in this podcast by Sathiya Sam and his guests are for general information only and should not be considered medical, clinical or any other form of professional advice.
Speaker 2 (00:13:08) - Any reliance on the information provided is done at your own risk.